You’re on the right track

Hi Marc,

I read your column and I find it fascinating and interesting. I have learned many things.

I would like to pose this query of mine. I’m a college student right now. I’m in my third year. I want to know how I can’t discover my purpose and direction in this world. How did you find yours? Quite weird but I hope you can give a sort of hint. Thank you. — Jake

Welcome to the wonderful world of uncertainty, Jake. I had much the same problem when I was in college, and I wish I could tell you why you were put on this earth so that you can focus all of your drive and ambition in that direction, but it’s not that easy (actually, I take that back... you were placed here to get me a date with Natalie Portman. Go forth and do your duty!!).

Feeling a little lost and unsure of what you want to do is a perfectly common occurrence as you prepare yourself for entering the "real" world, where you need to carve out a career and stand on your own two feet. For some, their road is already mapped out for them by way of personal ambition (remember that guy that always wanted to be a doctor when he grew up?), or perhaps birth and circumstance (unlikely that Prince Charles had a huge choice of careers when he was young). That’s all very well and good for them, but how about those of us mere mortals who get to college and have to figure out what courses to take, as it will shape our lives from then on? Personally, I think that decision is sometimes a bit too much for the average teenager to handle.

So what do you do? Seeing as you’re in your third year already, I daresay that you’ve already chosen your major. If for some reason you aren’t sure whether that’s what you really want to do or not, have no fear. Get the degree finished and out of the way first. It’s a lot better having that bit of paper rather than changing at this late stage. If you want you can always go back for post-grad studies. Also, remember that while in school, you should be learning not only what is written down in the books and answered in the exams. Also take note of how you’re learning. For instance, don’t forget your research techniques, your analytical approach to questions and problems, or even how you deal with the different students and faculty members. These tools are often more valuable in later life, especially if you plan to follow a path that is different from your degree.

Now, what is your purpose? That’s hard to say. In my case, since leaving college I’ve done everything from teaching English and gymnastics to managing a restaurant and dancing on TV. The important thing to remember is to give everything to each job. Try and make other people’s lives easier or better in some way through your work. Do your best, use what you’ve learned, be responsible for your actions and take some initiative. I honestly believe that people can rise to a challenge if they really put their minds to it. In that respect you can try a couple of different things if need be and gain some diverse experience along the way until you find where you want to be and what you want to do.

It took me some time to get to where I am now, and I’ve discovered that people will usually do well at something that they enjoy. My friend Jackie once told me that paradise is doing something you love, and getting paid for it. In that respect, after a lot of years of searching, I’ve found a bit of purpose and paradise hosting Sports Unlimited. The paradise is the travel and adventure sports that I love, and the purpose is to hopefully show others what wonderful places there are in the Philippines and the great things they can do there. I’ve also got to admit that hopefully this attempt of mine to write an advice column will help people in some small way.

So my advice to you is finish your degree, and try an occupation that you are interested in. Work hard at it and use it to help people or brighten their day. You may not become the next president, but if you manage to help people in some way, then that’s a pretty good reason to be alive in my book (but don’t forget my date with Natalie).

* * * Bad Case Of Stage Fright

Dear Marc,

I’m already 17 years old but I still have stage fright. It drives me crazy. I’m not really a totally shy gal but every time I get in the spotlight my hands get clammy and my knees start trembling, not to mention I get pale. Trust me, I’ve done everything to keep myself calm and but it just happens! What should I do? How do I deal with it?

I need your advice. Thanks! —Scared Kitty

Clammy hands and trembling knees? Maybe we can prescribe a dose of chalk powder for the hands and wooden splints for the knees. Admittedly this may look somewhat unusual on stage, but it would certainly get everyone’s attention. No? OK, let’s see what else we can come up with then.

Even the most glib and witty of people are hit with stomach butterflies and superglued lips when put in front of a large audience for the first time. So, don’t worry, you’re in excellent company. Many perceive a big difference between chatting among friends and being the center of the focused attention of millions of people... hmm, maybe this is not the best way to put you at ease. Let’s try again.

What most people fear when talking in front of a large audience is that they are going to mess up and make a fool of themselves. However, it is this fear that makes them nervous and more likely to do just that. A bit of a Catch 22 situation, but one that can be resolved with some self-prescribed psychological reasoning.

My personal method is what I call the worst-case scenario psych-out. If I ever start to get nervous about something, whether its be hosting an event or doing some crazy stunt on Sports Unlimited, I just ask myself "what’s the worst that could happen." Usually, as far as the hosting goes at least, is that I might mess up my lines, or the audience will be unresponsive etc. However bad that may seem, it’s not the end of the world. I’ll still be alive, I’m still healthy and have my friends and family, so when it gets right down to it, what have I got to lose? If I accept that the worst is not so bad, then I find I can relax a bit and realize that the only thing that would cause that scenario is being nervous. So, if I ditch the nervousness, I know that I’m going to do a lot better than if I fret and worry about it.

This may not work for everyone; so let me fill you in on another important secret. Be yourself. A lot of people try putting on a different persona when they are in front of a lot of people. It can be handy to have a different face and style depending on the audience and event, but it should still be recognizably you in the same way that you talk to your friends in a different way than you do to their parents. One can be a bit more formal, but it’s still you. The reason for this is that by being yourself, you are automatically more comfortable and can deal with small problems in your speech if they occur. Imagine that you’re presenting to a small group of friends instead of a large bunch of strangers. Don’t be afraid to let some of your personality and individual touch show.

Lastly, make sure you know your material. For instance, if you’re giving a speech or presentation about a certain subject, then learn as much as you can about it, and go over your notes thoroughly to make sure you haven’t missed anything. If you’re using cue cards then just jot down pertinent points and facts rather than writing things out word for word. That way you can say things in your own way and at your own pace without having your head buried in your notes and reading it all out like a robot.

If all else fails, there is the old tried and true method my high school English teacher taught us. If you feel nervous that the audience is sitting in judgment of your performance and every little mistake, just imagine that they haven’t got any clothes on. You’ll find it’s pretty hard to get intimidated by people sitting around in their underwear. The only problem you might have then is keeping a straight face (I always pictured our principal in something purple and frilly for a really good laugh).

* * * Rightperson, Wrongtime

Yo Marc,

I’ve been reading the newspapers lately and I find your column very interesting. I have this problem and I think you’re the right person to share it with. What would you advise to a person who is falling in love with a woman with a commitment? I know it’s wrong. Maybe what I need are the reasons that could help me forget this woman. Thanks. — Echo The Stupid

Ooh boy. You sure did pick the right nickname for yourself, and I don’t mean the Echo part. Life can be stressful enough without complicating matters by falling for a woman who already has someone else. I guess you already know this, so let’s work on why you like this woman, and how you can get over her.

Now what is it about this woman that you like so much? How well do you know her? I’m assuming that this is not one of those "I’m falling for someone from a distance" situations. Let’s say that you know her fairly well, and she’s aware of your feelings, maybe even reciprocates them a bit. She’s probably a wonderful person and everything, but ask yourself if some of the attraction might be that she is in fact already taken. You know, the whole "forbidden fruit" attraction of doing something you’re not supposed to. This may also be true on her part, and if she has been showing some interest, it may be in part due to the fact that she is subconsciously craving some change and excitement. You should both be aware that it is a very dangerous path to pursue though (remember Eve and the apple?).

Perhaps the best way of getting over her is by putting yourself in her boyfriend’s shoes (and I don’t mean trying them on over at her place). How would you like it if your girlfriend was dating another guy at the same time as you? Probably pretty crappy huh? If the girl is really interested in you and vice versa, then maybe she should break up with her boyfriend before considering dating you or anyone else. If she’s not interested in you, then you should respect her wishes and commitment to her boyfriend by channeling your affections elsewhere. This may seem difficult to do at first, but maybe that’s because you’ve been focusing too much on this particular girl and haven’t noticed other potential women in your life.

Try taking a step back. Imagine you’d never met this girl, and ask yourself what you’d be doing or who you may be interested in if she never existed. You may find that there is someone else whom you just haven’t gotten to know as well because you’ve been so distracted with your present problem.

So, my advice is to give each other some space and meet new people. With any luck she’ll become a harmless crush from your past when you meet someone new (just make sure she’s single!). Remember, getting involved with an attached woman is a fast way to lose friends and make enemies. There’s a saying that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Maybe they should add "...but even she takes a back seat to a cuckolded boyfriend with a shotgun."

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Send questions to question_Marc@hotmail.com