Exorcising an ex-boyfriend

Dear Marc,

I’m 20 years old and haven’t moved on with my first and so-called ex-boyfriend. I can say we’re truly opposites: I’m the conservative type, studious, and very workaholic. He’s the happy-go-lucky type, immature, aggressive and very much concerned with cars and stuff. I was even aware how he’s had sex with all his previous GFs ever since high school, and he even brags it to his friends. But even so, I still risked it because I fell for him. I was thinking maybe it will work or I can change him. He took my virginity and after that, he became very cold and we started fighting a lot. I broke up with him, but after a month, I realized I still love him. I tried to win him back but he already had a GF. Two months later, he texted me: "Sorry, can we have sex?" I was so surprised. I don’t know how to react but I turned him down realizing how cruel a person he is. It has been three months after our break up but I can say I still love him after all he’s done to me (treating me so badly). Please help me. I need your advice. Thank you. — PS

So, have you always had really lousy taste in guys? I don’t mean to sound cruel, but this guy is not the type of person you should be getting serious about. Full stop. It may be too late to change the past, but there is plenty of time for the present and even more for the future. It’s pretty obvious that this guy hasn’t really cared for you the way you think he may have. In fact there is even a possibility that he didn’t think of you as a girlfriend at all. Are you sure that it was a relationship you had, or maybe he was just using you to get what he wanted?

I apologize if all this seems a bit harsh, but it’s important for you to realize how little this guy should mean to you. Seems like he’s only after one thing. You should have been warned already by his reputation of being a kiss-and-tell (or should that be bonk-and-tell?). Any guy who is shallow enough to brag about his conquests is highly unlikely to become a serious and committed boyfriend overnight.

However, what is done is done. For now it seems like you’ve done the right thing of rejecting him and his one-track advances. His call to you after months of no contact is not one that particularly drips of remorse and sincerity. Sounds more like he felt he could use your feelings for him to emotionally bribe you into sleeping with him again. Don’t fall for this, whatever you do. Even if he calls again and asks for forgiveness and so forth, it will probably just lead into him using you again and dumping you when he’s bored.

This may all seem difficult to do as you still have strong feelings for him, but you need to strengthen your self esteem and be assured that you’re worth more than that. Don’t let yourself be sucked in and then thrown away at his or any other guy’s whim. If you want a serious relationship, then hold out and wait for the right guy. Even if at some stage in the future you wanted something less serious, I’d still advise steering well clear of your ex.

It’s often difficult to look at your own problems objectively. So think of it this way. Imagine if he had gotten together with your best friend or sister instead of you? He takes her virginity, loses interest, dumps and ignores her, and then calls out of the blue a few months later asking for sex. What would you advise her to do? Ditch this loser and find a guy who can think with the head he has on his shoulders rather than the one in his pants.

* * * LAST TRIP

Dear Marc,

More power in your column and hope that you will continue to help people through your advice.

I’m 30 years old, single, Filipina, female and my relatives are forcing me to get married because mahuhuli na raw sa biyahe. I don’t have any relationship at the moment because I’m focusing on my masters at the conservatory of music.

Many thanks for your advice.

Sincerely yours,
Sam

I know that the Philippines is a very traditional country, but there are some traditions that may be due for an update. Marrying off every female by the time they’re 25 is one of them. From the sounds of it, you being a single woman in your 30s is an unspeakable sin and embarrassment to your relatives if they are pressuring you that much. What you need to realize is that it would be an even bigger sin to blindly give into their wishes and marry someone for the sake of convenience.

In this day and age of Sex and The City, female equality (certainly not there yet, but at least slowly heading in that direction) and independent women, the old spinster stereotype needs to be retired. Nowadays women are more in control of their lives and are no longer totally dependent on a man to provide financial security. There are many women who are quite capable of taking care of themselves without a guy around. Finishing college (such as getting a masters in music) and entering the workforce is a great start towards self-dependence for anyone, including women.

How about the biological question, I hear you ask? Well then that is where you need to ask if you intend to have children or not. If you do, then you still have a few years left. I had a friend who recently gave birth in her mid 30s with no problems at all. Another option is always adoption. If by chance you did want a kid but were too old, then you could help out by fostering a child who has no parents of his own.

It seems like you are apprehensive to give in to your relatives and that’s a good thing. Even with their pressure constantly on your back, stick to your guns. Sure you can humor them a bit, but you have to remember that it is your life, not theirs. It’s all very well and good for them to marry you off, until you realize that the two of you don’t get along at all and your marriage turns into a frustrating sham. I figure that if you’re going to spend the rest of you life with someone, you’d better make pretty darn sure that he’s the one that you want, not the one that just happened to be handy at the time.

My advice, tell your family that you are quite happy the way you are and doing what you are doing. If they object to this, ask them if they would rather see you married and miserable or single and happy. Only the most callous (or perhaps sarcastic) relative would push you into something you really don’t want to do. Here’s hoping that you find the strength to stand up for yourself and buck tradition. Good luck!

* * * Dear Prudence

Dear Marc,

Hi! I’m one of your avid readers and I really admire you for giving straight-to-the- point pieces of advice.

Well, I would like to ask you, if being prudent or being too much conservative is not good for a girl? Is it a turn-off for a guy?

That’s all! Thanks!!! — Mads

Being too conservative? Well, extremes are never a good thing. So just how conservative are you talking? A little bit of prudence is fine although turning up at a guys place in a leather dominatrix outfit may be a bit overwhelming (and kinda kinky). However you also don’t want to be too conservative, as wearing a nun’s habit on a date may be a little off-putting to potential suitors (unless they’re really kinky).

What you need to do is find a happy balance between the two. This is different for different people. It also depends on a lot of independent factors. For instance, what makes you feel comfortable? Being traditional and so forth is fine, and if that’s what you’re used to then don’t try making any drastic changes to becoming a hardcore party animal or something you’re not. However you will also need to realize that if you’re going for the bad boy Vin Diesel type of guy, it’ll be a pretty hard sell on your part (don’t remember seeing the girl with a chaperone or wedding ring in "Triple X").

This doesn’t mean that there is no guy out there for you though. Strange as it may seem there are quite a lot of guys out there who are fairly conservative themselves, and are looking for the same in a girl. However, they can sometimes be harder to find.

So where do you look for them? Believe it or not, you can find the traditional guys out and about at night just like the wilder ones. Just because they’re a little conservative doesn’t mean they don’t like to go out and have fun with friends. There are quite a few guys who you’d think were pretty wild yet are looking for a quiet traditional girl.

I have a friend who’s a well-known international model and goes out at night when he’s in town. Most people would assume that since he grew up overseas and is often surrounded by beautiful and liberal-minded girls from all over the world, he would be looking for someone a bit wild. In fact the contrary is true. He’s actually a deeply religious guy who’s looking for a very spiritual and conservative girl. I think he’s surprised a few girls who expected the opposite.

Admittedly his type is becoming a rarity, but they are still out there so don’t lose hope. Feel free to let yourself become a bit more open-minded, as you’re unlikely to find a guy by staying home every day waiting for him to turn up on your doorstep with roses and a marriage proposal. As I said, whatever makes you comfortable and at ease is probably the best, since it’s no use trying so hard to be something you’re not. Let guys get to know you for who you are and if they appreciate that, then they can also respect and care for the real you. Just remember that there’s also nothing wrong with letting your inner wild side show from time to time (whips and chains not included).