Digital love: Lessons from a serial online dater

It was 7:01 p.m. on a Tuesday night and I was standing outside the Good Luck Bar on Hillhurst Ave., waiting for it to open. It wasn’t too cold for an October night in Los Angeles, but I was sweating in my pink silk dress. I had just raced over down Hollywood Blvd. in the fastest geisha steps I could manage (one can only run so fast in black satin pumps), thinking I would get to Good Luck Bar right as it opened. As it turned out, my favorite watering hole’s opening time was a bit more fluid than advertised. So there I was, sweating off my eye makeup in 50-degree weather outside a bar, waiting for it to open. I looked like Tara Reid on a weekday bender. The reason I had rushed over, however, was to meet a blind date. I needed a fix with something mixed and instead of a cocktail, it was a half-Vietnamese, half-Caucasian boy I met on OkCupid.com.

Before I am bombarded with your judgments, allow me to explain that I used to feel exactly the same about online dating. A year ago, I never would have considered it. My perception of online dating at that time was that two groups of people who indulged in it. One group consisted of desperate middle-aged widowers, spinsters and divorcees who paid a monthly rate to sites such as eHarmony (more like eHormone-y) and Match.com for their last shot at true love. The other was comprised of creepy perverts, fetishists and low-end prostitutes who used free online forums such as Craigslist’s “casual encounters” and “erotic services” sections to bump uglies with strangers.

Since then, I learned that there a lot more dating sites out there, ones better suited to twenty-somethings who won’t swipe a maxed-out credit card just to go out with people who share their interests. Most of my friends were on OkCupid, so that was the site I decided to take for a test drive. Each user has to fill out a survey asking them about their beliefs, preferences and personality traits. Based on their answers, users are then matched with other members, based on their answers. The site automatically narrows down your matches by only listing those who live within 25 miles of you, but that can be modified as well. OkCupid also has its own instant messaging system, so users don’t have to give out their phone numbers or e-mail addresses to have a conversation with each other.

I enjoyed using OkCupid because it was free, easy and the system catered to each user’s individuality. Why wasn’t I going out and meeting guys in the real world, some people might ask. Well, I tried meeting people out there. Guess what? They were all massive douchebags. I was sick of meeting guys at bars and clubs. Both environments aren’t exactly conducive to substantial conversation and I wasn’t about to forego that just to bump and grind on the dance floor with a pea-brained, faux-hawked bro in an Affliction shirt and leather wristband. If I wanted to get humped by a strange-looking creature I couldn’t even communicate with, then I wouldn’t have sent my French bulldog to get fixed. If I was going to find my modern-day Lloyd Dobler who’s memorized every line from Reality Bites, seen the Pixies live at least once, danced to ‘90s hip hop, drank Jameson and traveled the world as often as possible, it’d sure as hell be easier if I started by skimming through online dating profiles. In an ideal world, I would’ve found that guy by now. Sadly, he wasn’t the Vietnamese/Caucasian contractor who loved a good whiskey but bored me to tears. Neither was he the half-Swedish GRE tutor who made me laugh but stood me up after our second date. Nor was he the smoking hot IT consultant who thought I was pretty but said it was “nothing personal,” just that dating wasn’t really his main priority at the time. Nonetheless, I don’t regret the majority of my OkCupid dates. Sure, some of them turned out to be tools. Others turned out to be really cool guys that I remain friends with. In the end, I am still pro-online dating. It’s not a surefire way to meet the man of your dreams, but it makes it a little easier to weed out the ones who aren’t.

Things might click: Who knows, a hottie like Aaron Johnson might be at the other end.

So for those of you who are ready to wear your heart on a profile page, here are a few suggestions I’d like to make, based on my extensive research:

1. Those profile pictures are about as attractive as they’re ever going to be. It’s a dating site. Naturally, people are going to post photos depicting the hottest versions of themselves, ‘cause that’s the fastest way to get their virtual mack on. Never mind if it’s a picture taken five years ago, 10 pounds ago or two extra inches of hairline ago. If that’s not how they look anymore, you won’t know for sure until you meet them in person.

2. Be clear about what you’re looking for. There are plenty of fish you can catch with the Internet, which leaves you with absolutely no excuse to go out with someone who can’t give you what you want. Some people want that modern day happy ending that cheesy rom-coms are all about. Others want a Tuesday night booty call. Make sure you know what you want, and say so.

3. Don’t believe everything you read. Some people (like me) really know how to talk themselves up online. Others just don’t feel very comfortable summarizing themselves on a profile page. It’s better to have a conversation (I like to do this via instant messaging) so you get a better feel for chemistry. I once met a guy whose profile announced that he was smart and adventurous and interested in just dating casually. When we finally went out all he did was talk about his last relationship. He also turned out to be a Stage 5 Clinger looking for a rebound. That said…

4. Have a good exit strategy just in case the date doesn’t go well. I usually inform one of my girl friends about a blind date and tell them to call my cell two to three hours into it. If I don’t answer, that means the date’s going well. If I do, then I use the call as an emergency situation that requires my immediate attention, and politely make my exit. I am often reprimanded by my guy friends, who think that escape plan is cruel and conniving. I have since employed a much faster exit strategy of using one-liners to scare a guy off. My two favorites are “I’m ready to fall in love again” and “I’ve been feeling a lot better about dating since I got back on medication.” Get a little creative and you could come up with an arsenal of these get-out-of-bad-date-free passes.

5. Do not immediately become Facebook friends with someone you meet on an online dating site. If things don’t work out, you don’t want this person to cyber stalk you.

6. Don’t let one bad date stop you from dating. If it doesn’t work out with someone you like, don’t get hung up on that person. In the world of online dating, attachments are just files you send in an e-mail. Remember, there are millions of people out there. If one doesn’t reciprocate, it’s not the end of the world.

7. Don’t rule out meeting people out in the real world. Even if I think it’s harder to meet people out there, it still feels great when you randomly meet someone and enjoy their company. Also, as much as I love online dating, talking about how you met someone in the real world still sounds way more interesting than “We met online.”

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E-mail the author at mailto:Francesca.ayala@gmail.com.