Here comes Santa Claus
December 26, 2003 | 12:00am
What jingles his bells? How does he mix and mingle in his jingling feet? How does he rock his night away? If Santa Claus were to kiss ass, what would he say?
How old are you really?
Too darn old. I started as this monk named St. Nicholas who was born sometime 280 A.D. in what’s now Turkey. I supposedly would give away my inherited wealth to the poor and the sick and inspired so many people that the legend of Nicholas or Saint Nick spread throughout the years and all over Europe, particularly in the Netherlands. The Dutch loved me so much that they even gave me a nickname, Sinter Klaas, which is a shortened form of Sint Nikolaas (Dutch for Saint Nicholas).
Where did Santa Claus come from?
From the Americans, New Yorkers in particular. I guess they couldn’t properly pronounce "Sinter Klaas," which they picked up from the Dutch who migrated to America in the 18th century.
How’d you end up with this red suit, white fur get-up?
That’s because of too many people interfering in my business. In 1809, this writer named Washington Irving tried to portray me as being color-blind by describing me as wearing a blue three-corner hat, red waistcoast, and yellow stockings. Then in 1822, a minister, Clement Clarke Moore, wrote this poem for his daughters titled "An Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas" and he pushed on with this business about me being "portly" and a "right jolly old elf." That dude is also responsible for my forays down the chimney, my flying sleigh, and the names of my eight reindeer. Some 60 years later, cartoonist Thomas Nast gave me the white beard, the toy-laden sack, the list of kids who’s been "naughty and nice," my North Pole address, my working elves, and Mrs. Klaus. Just to make things a lot more comical, he went ahead and gave me that fur-trimmed red suit – I’ll never know if he consulted a designer for that. Anyway, in 1931 Coca-Cola made money of my reputation by depicting me as human-sized rather than in elvish proportions. I didn’t even get royalties from those ads.
Seems like a lot people are cashing in on you?
I don’t mind. Christmas is the season for giving anyway. Plus, it’s made me more popular than any other holiday figure. Cupid and the Easter Bunny definitely have a lot of catching up to do.
Well, there’s Jesus Christ, the real reason why Christmas came into being…
Oh yeah. Jesus is definitely The Man. No doubt about it. But he’s more of an all-year round go-to guy. And I don’t think he’d appreciate being compared to a bunch of guys in silly get-ups.
Do you really like what you do?
Sure. I get a lot of publicity for a one-night affair. The letters from the kids can be really sweet too…
What’s one of the most touching requests you’ve ever had?
Every letter is touching. I have kids ask me for something as simple as basketball. I have all these kids asking for a PS2, plus a Barbie Doll for their sister. I have kids asking for world peace. But, I’ll tell you though, the weirdest letter I’ve received came from this kid who wanted his two front teeth. Apparently, he had a difficult time wishing everybody "Merry Christmas" without them.
What’s the best thing about being Santa Claus?
Having the perfect excuse to wear what I do.
What’s the worst thing about being Santa Claus?
Having the perfect excuse to wear what I do.
Have you tried getting a style make-over?
I would like to but I just don’t know how kids will react to a bearded man in a gold lame’ jumpsuit – I was thinking of wearing something like that in the 1970s.
So, how do you really manage to deliver those gifts to kids all over the world on just one night?
I have very enthusiastic fathers and an efficient toy transfer system to thank.
What do you do during the rest of the year?
I manage my toy factory, I visit the Bahamas, and I moonlight as the Tooth Fairy each time she goes on vacation.
Do you worry that kids will eventually stop believing in you?
It crosses my mind now and then but I tell myself that kids love receiving gifts too much to stop believing in a Santa Claus. Parents have been very supportive too. They use me as a way to keep their kids in line.
What’s your favorite Christmas carol?
Santa Claus is Coming to Town. That’s the only carol I know the words to.
What’s your least favorite?
That one that had me kissing some kid’s mother. Mrs. Claus wasn’t too happy about that.
We’re not trying to be rude, but have you tried losing weight?
I was on the Atkins for a while – no carbs, all protein.
How did that work out?
I had to advertise for new reindeer in the Help Wanted section…
How do you cope with Christmas stress?
Enya, Ashtanga, and Mrs. Claus’ brownies.
What’s your philosophy in life?
Chill!
Any last words?
Ho-ho-ho?
How old are you really?
Too darn old. I started as this monk named St. Nicholas who was born sometime 280 A.D. in what’s now Turkey. I supposedly would give away my inherited wealth to the poor and the sick and inspired so many people that the legend of Nicholas or Saint Nick spread throughout the years and all over Europe, particularly in the Netherlands. The Dutch loved me so much that they even gave me a nickname, Sinter Klaas, which is a shortened form of Sint Nikolaas (Dutch for Saint Nicholas).
Where did Santa Claus come from?
From the Americans, New Yorkers in particular. I guess they couldn’t properly pronounce "Sinter Klaas," which they picked up from the Dutch who migrated to America in the 18th century.
How’d you end up with this red suit, white fur get-up?
That’s because of too many people interfering in my business. In 1809, this writer named Washington Irving tried to portray me as being color-blind by describing me as wearing a blue three-corner hat, red waistcoast, and yellow stockings. Then in 1822, a minister, Clement Clarke Moore, wrote this poem for his daughters titled "An Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas" and he pushed on with this business about me being "portly" and a "right jolly old elf." That dude is also responsible for my forays down the chimney, my flying sleigh, and the names of my eight reindeer. Some 60 years later, cartoonist Thomas Nast gave me the white beard, the toy-laden sack, the list of kids who’s been "naughty and nice," my North Pole address, my working elves, and Mrs. Klaus. Just to make things a lot more comical, he went ahead and gave me that fur-trimmed red suit – I’ll never know if he consulted a designer for that. Anyway, in 1931 Coca-Cola made money of my reputation by depicting me as human-sized rather than in elvish proportions. I didn’t even get royalties from those ads.
Seems like a lot people are cashing in on you?
I don’t mind. Christmas is the season for giving anyway. Plus, it’s made me more popular than any other holiday figure. Cupid and the Easter Bunny definitely have a lot of catching up to do.
Well, there’s Jesus Christ, the real reason why Christmas came into being…
Oh yeah. Jesus is definitely The Man. No doubt about it. But he’s more of an all-year round go-to guy. And I don’t think he’d appreciate being compared to a bunch of guys in silly get-ups.
Do you really like what you do?
Sure. I get a lot of publicity for a one-night affair. The letters from the kids can be really sweet too…
What’s one of the most touching requests you’ve ever had?
Every letter is touching. I have kids ask me for something as simple as basketball. I have all these kids asking for a PS2, plus a Barbie Doll for their sister. I have kids asking for world peace. But, I’ll tell you though, the weirdest letter I’ve received came from this kid who wanted his two front teeth. Apparently, he had a difficult time wishing everybody "Merry Christmas" without them.
What’s the best thing about being Santa Claus?
Having the perfect excuse to wear what I do.
What’s the worst thing about being Santa Claus?
Having the perfect excuse to wear what I do.
Have you tried getting a style make-over?
I would like to but I just don’t know how kids will react to a bearded man in a gold lame’ jumpsuit – I was thinking of wearing something like that in the 1970s.
So, how do you really manage to deliver those gifts to kids all over the world on just one night?
I have very enthusiastic fathers and an efficient toy transfer system to thank.
What do you do during the rest of the year?
I manage my toy factory, I visit the Bahamas, and I moonlight as the Tooth Fairy each time she goes on vacation.
Do you worry that kids will eventually stop believing in you?
It crosses my mind now and then but I tell myself that kids love receiving gifts too much to stop believing in a Santa Claus. Parents have been very supportive too. They use me as a way to keep their kids in line.
What’s your favorite Christmas carol?
Santa Claus is Coming to Town. That’s the only carol I know the words to.
What’s your least favorite?
That one that had me kissing some kid’s mother. Mrs. Claus wasn’t too happy about that.
We’re not trying to be rude, but have you tried losing weight?
I was on the Atkins for a while – no carbs, all protein.
How did that work out?
I had to advertise for new reindeer in the Help Wanted section…
How do you cope with Christmas stress?
Enya, Ashtanga, and Mrs. Claus’ brownies.
What’s your philosophy in life?
Chill!
Any last words?
Ho-ho-ho?
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