Idealistic Sucker

Once in a blue moon I just stop being me and try to ponder on who I am. Or, to put it more bluntly, to find out what my purpose is in this crazy old world. I mean apart from all the boozing, flirting, and the "party-politics," there’s still this idealistic sucker who lives within me — someone so gloriously deluded with foolishness that it still makes me believe in love, peace, and understanding. I’m sure that many of you guys just snickered with the last line (hindi kasi ’ata bagay sa akin), but what’s so funny about that?

It may sound like I’m going into one of my selfish, rambling articles right about now, but I’m sure most of you readers would be able to relate to this one. Or at the very least, would know something about it.

A lot of us have several complaints as to how cruel life can be. It’s just everywhere and you’d probably be blind psychologically if you didn’t see it. The lack of money, problems in school or work, failed relationships (with lovers and friends), the feeling of emptiness on a lonely weeknight at home — all things we feel that we don’t deserve have been ironically slapped right across our sorry faces. Where are we going?

So, self-pity sets in (even though it’s basically your fault), and sometimes, even regret — which is usually a waste of time. Sometimes we just take what life dishes out to us — like Tina Turner did when ex-husband Ike was in a bad mood. But then we also struggle and come out swinging, just like any normal person would if he/she gets pushed into a corner. And while it won’t actually make us feel a hell of a lot better, you can say that you went out and did something about it. But do you know where you are going?

I believe that life is simple. Not easy, mind you, but simple. And we are basically doing the same things we never thought we would do before. You see, when I was a kid, I promised myself that I would march to the beat of a different drummer. That I would be who I want to be and nobody, not even God himself, could have stopped me. Of course I was dead wrong but I was that stubborn until one day, I woke up to the harsh reality that the world doesn’t spin for me. Sure it’s there, but it won’t wait for anybody.

And so I forgot my silly little dream of becoming who I want to be and readily plunged into the material world. Chaos meant nothing. No longer will the beauty of hope distract me from being an important player in this modern game of chess, and I’ll say goodbye to the idealistic idiot who will soon be a former part of my existence. In time, I will be headstrong, totally independent, searching for power while being a real workhorse — like lots of the people I know. But where am I supposed to be going?

We’ve all heard it before (oh, the cliché). And it’s beginning to sound daft. But we must admit that everyone of us at one point or another in our lives asked what our respective lives should be. I know it’s quite a vague question to answer because there are six billion reasons why we are who were are. We ought to be honest with ourselves, but sometimes we can’t help it.

Should we just go towards the norm and see what people want us to see? Should we play the fool with the gift of gab who is full of thunder and lighting but signifies nothing? Should we do what we always say we will do? Or should we just give it all up and throw our years away dancing to the locomotion? Believe me, it’s all shit.

What I’m trying to say, folks, is that I think I’ve found the answer to the meaning of life. Okay, so I am not Jesus here; nor will I ever become close to being like him, but someone or some force might have mystically slipped me the solution to knowing why I’m alive.

I was playfully watching shadows on the walls the other night and it suddenly dawned on me why most young people seem lost in today’s world. For many twentysomethings, we find it hard to look ahead and just do as we please because we can’t even find where we are at present. My world, or our world rather, is so full of the hypocritical, materialistic, violent imperfection that is our home. And yet we stick to it. We live with it. And pretty soon, we might devour it.

It really doesn’t matter if you get your coffee at Seattle’s Best or the local sari-sari store, because it’s all the same eventually. It’ll both be disgusting pee soon enough. So complaining about how much your life sucks right now may actually give you the answer you’re looking for (even if you didn’t ask a question). As John Lennon once said, there are no problems, only solutions.

I’m not really sure if I was able to visualize to you guys what I just tried to, but I’m certain you can at least see my point. And even if you don’t, none of you can do anything about it anyway.

So, once in a blue moon I do stop being me and ponder on who I am. But it may take a long, long time before I turn to that again because I’ve found out what to be in life: Become happy. That’s the clear-cut yet toughest route to eternal contentedness. And while it is easier said than done, being happy with who and what you are gives you a sense of fulfillment that can never be repaid in anyway. So maybe we should all give it a try, huh? And it’s up to people how to do it on their own.

There is still hope that our screwed-up lives can succeed in that monstrous, uphill battle against failure. There’s still the possibility of living in a better place than where we are right now (no matter how corny it sounds), and there’s still the chance of seeing people smile again and not work just for money. Maybe the thought of it all can leave a few of us in high spirits. Haaay!

Sometimes, without me knowing, the idealistic sucker inadvertently creeps back into my system and again turns my head around. But this time, I think I’ll try and keep him there — at least for a little while longer.

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E-mail: reuben_matthew@hotmail.com