Dear Kim Kardashian,
ARMY OF ME () - November 5, 2011 - 12:00am

I can’t recall the exact moment you first entered our collective consciousness, but I do believe it had something to do with Ray J’s penis. At first I thought you were that Pussycat Doll — the one with a debut solo album that was supposed to be released in 2007, then 2008, then 2009 before being shelved – but then I realized you didn’t sing. Or dance. Or anything. While we’re on the subject, what is it that you do exactly? (You say you’re a “business woman,” but come on. It’s like Tyra saying she “attended” Harvard Business School.) Whatever it is — or isn’t — Paris Hilton did it first and, in glorious, crap-hued hindsight, she somehow did it better.

With the news that, alas, you have decided to end your 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries, how are your 10 million or so Twitter followers supposed to believe in the notion of true, undying love now that you have unfollowed your former hubby in more ways than one? Again, you seem like a competitive gal, but someone beat you as far as quickie unions go. Google “Britney,” “Jason Alexander” and “Vegas” and you’ll find out that the aging pop princess once asked to have her nuptials annulled after a lightning-fast two days. Lucky for you, there’s always next time.

This latest stunt you pulled, this “divorce,” has the New York Daily News declaring Kardashian fatigue. “Is it even possible to have a world where images of Kim Kardashian’s flawless, fake smile aren’t as common as cell phones?” the newspaper ponders. “Change the channel the instant Keeping Up With the Kardashians comes on. You’ll find no reality there.” Zing! (Remember: E! banned Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag from the network in 2009 due to the couple’s “self-promoting press” and hardly anyone cares about them now.)

Kim, are you familiar with that Buddhist koan? The one about the tree falling in the forest? You are that piece of timber (except you and your thick eyelashes are the opposite of everything that exists in nature). If you do something and tweet about it, but no one is around to read it, will you still exist?

So, is this the beginning of the end? The thinking part of the population really, really hopes so. But even with you out of the picture, there are still, like, seven more Kardashian-Jenners to keep this slowly crumbling empire going.

It’s safe to assume that despite the failure of your “fairy tale wedding,” your mom, Kris Jenner — after careful promotional consideration — has already figured out how your undertalented and overexposed clan can occupy the Internet forever. (With her money-making skills, she makes Dina Lohan look like a bakesale-organizing, PTA-attending soccer mom.) She has sold Kendall first to the swimsuit gods and, just days ago, sacrificed her at the altar of reality television. Yes, “Kendall’s Over-The-Top Sweet Sixteen Birthday — A Kardashian Event” is around the corner. You have all been warned. You’ll have to wait a little longer, Kylie.

In sum, while you may have shown that is it possible to turn narcissism into a cottage industry — if you had been less knee-jerk, you could have been worth more than the GDP of Congo — people still want you to go away. Far, far away. You wanna know why? Jog back to what Janis Ian said in Mean Girls: “That’s the thing with you plastics. You think everybody is in love with you when actually everybody hates you!” Tough, but that’s that, I guess.

Anyway, there’s no doubt in my mind that you’ll always keep it klassy

Boo you whore and TYFYT,


P.S.: But Kourtney can stay. So can Mason. Mason is adorable.

P.P.S.: Are you still in love with Reggie Bush?

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