26 of the best pick-up lines (or not)
Who wants to be an ICC justice when you can make a name for yourself as… the greatest pick-up artist in (wait for it, wait for it…) the UNIVERSE!? Mwahahahaha!
Though she may not be aware of it, the gentle lady Senator from the Visayas, Miriam Defensor-Santiago, has caused the forcible evolution of the most dreaded conversation starter known to estrogen — the pick-up line (It’s too bad she’s abandoning the world of pick-up, that’s just criminal).
Before the intervention of the gentle lady from the Visayas, pick-up lines were crass one-liners that evolved from the gonads of DOMs, made their way into porn movies and eventually lubricated themselves into popular culture. And many neophyte DOMs were laboring under the impression that the more crass a pick-up line, the better it is to pick up women. Yet — as many veteran DOMs with good insurance policies know — if any of those pick-up lines are used in actual conversation, the only “picking up” that will be done is teeth from the floor.
But by elevating the inherent ridiculousness of the pick-up line to national prominence, the good Senator has inadvertently turned the most dreaded conversation starter known to estrogen into something that is witty, something that is unabashedly Pinoy and something that (for ‘80s throwbacks like me) is kilig to the bones.
And by doing so, she has turned the pick-up line into a true pick-up line. You see, my three female readers, the amount of laughter generated by a pick-up line is directly proportional to the susceptibility of the female to fall for the advances of the man who delivered the pick-up lines despite how he may look like.
This is because a humorous pick-up line has the mutant ability to activate serotonin — the “feel good” chemicals in women. Serotonin is the brain chemical that not only prevents depression, but it also puts women in more in a more, ubo ubo “amicable” mood even better than Ativan can (But note that high serotonin levels can also drive a person temporarily insane, which is often the explanation that my wife gives to her relatives).
As part of Philippine STAR’s public service effort to help aesthetically challenged men hook up with aesthetically pleasing women, we have crowdsourced (naks) through social media. And in true Chinese government fashion, I have unilaterally decided that these are the top 26 pick-up lines based on the following criteria:
• Witty (wit is a sign of intelligence and often results in smarter children. It can also obfuscate your looks);
• Slightly cheesy (cheesiness is a nod to the melodrama that is genetically embedded in our Pinoy genes);
• A slight hint of innuendo (innuendo is a nod to the pick-up lines of yore. Maginoo pero medyo bastos. Medyo lang);
• Made me smirk at the very least (so if ever you use it, at least you won’t be picking up your teeth from the floor. Just your dignity);
• You can replace the end of the sentence with “BOOM” instead of an exclamation point (because pick-up lines are meant to be explosive).
Caveat: Pick-up lines are like farts. Once you let one out, you may or may not want to own up to it. Given this, I will quote the source of the pick-up line; however I cannot guarantee that the pick-up line came originally from him or her. Nonetheless, whomever it came from, you know who you are.
And in no particular order:
The World Traveler Pick-up Line Award goes to Gian Ley:
26. “Tower ka ba? Kasi Eiffel for you.” LE BOOM!
The Colonial Heritage Award goes to Be Mine:
25. “Kastila ka ba? Sinakop mo kasi ang puso ko.” QUE BOOM!
The Patriotism Award goes to Raymond Simbahan:
24. “Scarborough shoal ka ba? Kasi handa kitang ipaglaban, kahit inaangkin ka na ng iba.” An ASEAN Consensus on BOOM!
The National Security Award goes to FHujiko:
23. “Terrorista ka ba? Because you’re da bomb.” DOUBLE BOOM!
The Special Child Award goes to Joaquin Inigo Medina:
22. “Para kang goto with egg. Special.” BOOM with kalamansi!
Back to the Salt Mines Award goes to Kenwyn Ferrer:
21. “Asin ka ba? Because I like you A LAT.” BOOM with betsin!
The Fruit of My Loins Award goes to CheQolate:
20. “Papaya ka ba?”
Girl: “Ha? Bakit?”
“Papayakap sana ako eh.” BOOMILICOUS!
The Instant Gratification Award goes to Duffs:
19. “Noodles ka ba? Kasi Lucky Me.” BOOM!
Because Breast Milk is Best for Babies Award goes to Go Min Hee:
18. “Nido ka ba? Because you’re my number one.” BOOM!
The Nasal Hygiene Award goes to Kareen Joy Mactal:
17. “Kulangot ka ba? Because you’re so hard to reach.” BOOM… eewwww.
The Screwed-Up Award goes to Kelvin Escueta:
16. “Tornilyo ka ba? Kasi habang paikot-ikot ka sa isip ko, unti-unti karing bumabaon sa puso ko!” BOOM!
The Omnipotent Award goes to Kelvin Escueta:
15. “Google ka ba? Kasi lahat ng hinahanap ko, natagpuan ko sa ‘yo.” BOOM.COM!
The Steve Jobs Award goes to Kenwyn Ferrer:
14.“Ayoko ng iPhone, iPad, iTouch or iMac. Kasi ang gusto ko, iLoveYou.” iBOOM!
The Social Networking Award goes to Daleybulletin:
13.“Twitter ka ba? Because you’re so tweet!” @BOOM!
The LP Award goes to Nemotastic:
12.“Album ka ba? Single ako. 12-inch remix.” BOOM!
The Pre-Digital Camera award goes to Joaquin Inigo Medina:
11.“Pwede ba tayong magpa-picture? Para ma-develop.” CLICK BOOM!
The Spirit of Christmas Award goes to Gian Ley:
10.“Christmas ka ba? Because I want to Merry you.” BOOM na BOOM.
In Homage to RJ Ledesma Award goes to AJ Perez:
9. “Para kang Royal Tru-Orange. Dahil ikaw at ako… Natural!” SH-BOOM, SH-BOOM!
Too Smart For Your Own Good Award goes to DJ Tracy Abad:
8. “Matalino ka ba?”
Girl: “Siyempre.”
“Sige nga, sagutin mo ako!” BADA-BOOM!
The Manager’s Choice Award goes to Kid Bukid:
7. “Pwede ba kitang maimbitahan para mag-pizza at sex?”
Girl: “Ayoko nga!”
“Bakit, ayaw mo ng pizza?”
BOOM with extra cheese!
The Dark Knight Rises Award goes to DJ Tracy Abad:
6.“Tawagin mo nalang akong Batman. Para ako na ang bahala sa ‘yo.” BAT-BOOM!
And, siyempre, it’s criminal if we don’t have any pick-up lines from our good Senator Miriam:
5.“Pwede bang magpa-blood test? Para malaman mo na type kita. BOOM Positive!
4.“Kutsara ka ba? Kasi papalapit ka pa lang, napapanganga na ako.” BADOOMDOOM!
3.“Empleyado ka ba? Empleyado rin ako. Pwede tayong magkaroon ng union.” Ipaglaban ang BOOMˆ
2.“Date tayo sa sementeryo?”
Girl: “Bakit?”
“Para mapatunayan kong patay na patay ako sa iyo.” The walking BOOM!
Wait! Why is it bitin? Only 25 pick-up lines. Is something missing?
“Yes. What’s missing is you.”
KA-BOOM!
Doc, my Lipitor please.
