Politicians are vampires
It could be that I’ve had an overdose of vampire literature. Last weekend, I started on The Fall, which is Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan’s sequel to their best-selling sic-fi vamp opus, The Strain. I started on The Fall immediately after reading The Vampire Tapestry by Suzy Mackee Chamas and while I was enjoying the vigorous, action-packed prose of Del Toro and Hogan, an idea — slowly and stealthily, like the manner in which a vampire stalks its prey — formed in my mind: some Filipino politicians are actually vampires.
I’ve been a keen observer and participant of politics all my life — from the days in which my father was in the Senate, when I was a child, to the few years that I was a political spokesman and candidate in my adulthood. So I’ve spent a lot of time with politicians of all colors and stripes. Contrary to popular belief, there were — and are — many well-intentioned, idealistic, and competent politicians. However, there are other politicians who, on the surface, appear to be upstanding and outstanding public servants but may be, in reality, blood-sucking undead.
The following are my grounds for thinking that some politicians are, in fact, vampires. The similarities between some politicians and the Strigoi — the Eastern European term for a vampire — are uncanny:
1. Both vampires and politicians suck lifeblood. The essential nature of the vampire and the politician are the same, their only difference is in scale. Vampires are small-time killers, they bleed their victims dry, a solitary person at a time. Politicians are far more deadly. They suck out the very lifeblood of a nation, not merely killing individuals but even whole generations. Their greed and incompetence are far more powerful and efficient in destroying the lives, hopes and futures of millions of Filipinos than any vampire could possibly hope to be.
2. Both vampires and politicians hate sunlight. Vampires are painfully allergic to ultraviolet light. Perhaps this is why many of our esteemed legislators attend only night sessions and are often absent for legislative work during the daylight hours. Vampires and politicians are nocturnal creatures. Vampires stalk their prey at night and politicians do their “deals” at night as well, which is why these “deals” are appropriately labeled “shady” or away from the sun.
3. Vampires and politicians don’t grow old. Judging from the photos of politicians in their campaign posters and the tarpaulins, proclaiming that this footbridge is built as a result of the kindness of Congresswoman So-and-So, you would conclude that they have discovered the fountain of youth. Most likely the youthful appearance is due to the cosmetic properties of Photoshop but perhaps something far darker is at work. By their very nature of being undead, vampires do not age and it seems that some Filipino politicians similarly have remained untouched by the passing of time.
4. Vampires and politicians believe they are above the law. The Maguindanao massacre is one of the most heinous crimes committed in Philippine history; it so unbelievably atrocious that there are times that you question whether or not genuine human beings committed it. The Maguindanao massacre, committed by politicians, is a stark reminder that even in the modern age, monsters live among us. Perhaps these monsters are of the vampiric type. Vampires treat with disdain and contempt human ethics, morality and law, much like the politicians who could only have perpetrated this massacre in Mindanao in the belief that the long arm of the law would never catch them.
5. Vampires and politicians suck the life out of people. This is a permutation of the first ground, since vampires see humans as cattle or mere sources of sustenance. Similarly, politicians tend to be “user-friendly,” meaning that they will treat someone as their friend, ostensibly help them, and later discard the hapless person the moment he is no longer needed. Very much like how vampires use humans as food. The philosopher Immanuel Kant argued that we only act morally when we treat humans not merely as means but as ends in themselves. Neither vampires nor politicians, by their very nature, live up to the Kantian view of ethics.
6. Vampires and politicians are both beautiful on the outside but are rotten on the inside. They have as much genuine loveliness as a filthy crypt. Successful politicians need to maintain and cultivate a positive public persona. This is why many have powerful and influential PR teams to massage the politician’s image. No one ever hears of the politician’s tantrums, numerous mistresses, and theft of public funds. All we see are their happy, shining faces on the tarpaulins and on glossy magazine covers. Even some of the most obviously corrupt and inept politicians are, through the power of their spin doctors, beloved by the public. Similarly, vampires are notoriously beautiful — their white skin, youthful and unchanging visage, and their aura of strength and danger are mere tools to attract their unsuspecting victims. However, for all their beauty and allure, vampires are, like some politicians, rotten and corrupt to the core, a pure abomination.
7. Vampires and politicians are seductive. Vampires use their handsomeness and sexuality to ensnare their victims. Politicians seduce us with their honeyed words, their promises, and their appeals to our emotions, prejudices, and biases. Both creatures do the initial stalking but eventually, led by our own lusts and passions, we fall prey to their charms. Vamps get our blood, while pols get our votes.
8. Vampires and politicians are infectious. A bite from a vampire will infect your blood and make you join the ranks of the undead. Spend enough time with a politician and their aura of power and charisma will make you a supporter and a believer. Vampires often have a host of familiars, creatures or humans who do the undead’s bidding, to protect them during the daytime when they are most vulnerable. Likewise, politicians have their scores of supporters, infected not by vampire blood but by the financial support of the politician, who obtains this money by stealing from the nation’s coffers. Like the vampire and his familiar, the politician and his supporters have a symbiotic relationship: the supporters get favors and money from the politician while the politician gets their crucial votes during elections in exchange.
Finally, the relationship between vampires and politicians isn’t as farfetched as it seems. Historically, the Romanian, Vlad Tepes or Vlad the Impaler, who was the basis for Bram Stoker’s Dracula, was first and foremost a politician. Vlad obtained his infamous moniker from the brutal way in which he would impale his enemies. Legends speak of his drinking their blood as a source of power and youth. Certainly, someone like this should be an object of fear or scorn, which he in many parts of the world; however, Romanian literature portrays Vlad Tepes not as a villain or a monster but as a hero who fought against the country’s domestic and foreign enemies. He is viewed as a great politician and true nationalist. Some modern Romanians even believe that Vlad Tepes was one of their nation’s greatest leaders.
So it may well be that the truth is that vampires aren’t merely similar to politicians. From the story of Vlad the Impaler, it appears that vampires are the children, the natural descendants of politicians, who, on deeper reflection, appear to be far more dangerous creatures.
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Contact @adeltamano at Twitter or e-mail mailto:adel.tamano@yahoo.com
