The universal language of stupidity

I’m always amused whenever I come across warning signs depicting human figures. Usually, they’re crude black silhouette drawings of people about to do something dangerous, life-threatening or downright stupid. Or, if you’re really lucky, it shows them in the midst of doing something dangerous, life-threatening or downright stupid.

Those are the fun ones. Those are the warnings directed at human behavior that has proven, again and again, to be so senseless, that crude drawings are required to keep people from harming themselves.

Sometimes the warning signs depict people doing everyday activities, such as crossing the street… their heads tilted downward, focused entirely on their cell phones, texting instead of watching the approaching motorists who are about to mow them down…

That particular example can be found right outside the CCP complex, though I’m sure the makers of the sign or the nice people at the CCP would deny that this is what’s being depicted.

But look at it closely. The sign reads “SLOWDOWN PEDESTRIAN CROSSING.” Already some grammar problems there, but never mind. We see three shadowy silhouette figures, all crossing a striped crosswalk, all clutching tiny objects in their right hands… What could those objects be? Hmm… They also all appear to be wearing capes, which is kind of weird, but perhaps not unusual for patrons of the Cultural Center of the Philippines, who may not know how to cross a street safely, but definitely know how to dress for a night at the opera and are definitely skilled at texting while moving their feet forward.

Bear necessities: This warning sign in Korea advises against handing out treats to bears.

Now, you could argue that the figures in question are not operating cell phones at all, but are merely eating snacks — in unison — while crossing the street. While wearing capes. Whatever. I personally feel that the sign is not meant as a snide rebuke to texting pedestrians, but as a source of amusement to motorists of Metro Manila who, by now, have grown accustomed to the sight of lollygagging street crossers who somehow find it more important to finish their crucial text message while crossing the street than notice they’re in imminent danger. (Unless, of course, they’re texting: “About 2 get hit by car… send ambulance.” Now, that would just demonstrate good advance planning.)

It turns out that I’m not the only person who enjoys comical warning signs. There are actual blogs devoted to such things. (Innocentenglish.com is one of them. Another is the online group ILoveStupidWarningLabels.) People from all around the world — but mostly Florida, it seems — send in their own examples of funny signs.

Why are they funny? Well, it seems that pictorial warning signs are meant to surmount the language barrier that most travelers face at one time or another. So better to show that you mean business when you put up a “NO TRESPASSING” sign: why not depict a silhouette of a guy getting cut down by a trained rifleman? This speaks volumes — in the universal language of stupidity — that wordy signs might not adequately convey, and which might escape the attention of the language-challenged traveler who has possibly entertained the idea that it might be “fun” to climb the barbed wire fence and trespass.

And why Florida? Well, Florida is a land of many swamps and roaming alligators, and perhaps not the highest literacy rate in the world. So it seems a natural fit for innocent visitors or not-too-savvy natives who might be otherwise surprised to learn that, say, operating a wheelchair on an incline could lead to being eaten by a large amphibious reptile.

Yes, I do believe that such a sign actually exists. All it takes, really, is one such unfortunate incident to get the local zoning board to declare at their weekly meeting that they’re got to put up a gator warning sign near the Okeechobee Hill Rest Home before they lose another senior.

Killer waves: Tsunami warnings are getting more popular in Southeast Asia.

The signs posted in places of expected hazard, such as gator farms and zoos, are also a field day for pictorial mirth. The one showing the proper way to observe the natural beauty of the alligator — standing up straight, hands at one’s sides, outside the cage — is also a practical tutorial on Things To Avoid Doing While At The Zoo. Running or swimming in the gator pit, for example, or placing hands or face near the gator’s gaping jaws: all these are bad ideas (as is clearly indicated by the skull and crossbones included in the drawings.)

Mother Nature presents many opportunities for graphic warnings: the human stick figure facing an oncoming tsunami, the admonition (in a Korean park, I believe) not to turn over candy to roaming bears (the bear is depicted with an outstretched paw, like a panhandler), the rampaging moose, the lunging wildcat — all provide ample work for sign artists who specialize in the horror-struck stick figure.

And it might surprise some people who wander out onto airfields that whirling propeller blades in the vicinity might pose a hazard to their skulls. Fortunately, for such wandering babes in the woods, there’s a sign to discourage such activity.

On a past trip to Spain, it wasn’t really a surprise to see a sign written in Spanish telling us that grabbing the electromagnetic generator near a cable car could cause instant death. But sometimes you don’t have time to reach for the Berlitz manual: a simple picture of a guy getting zapped by a really huge bolt of electricity does the trick. Awkward moment averted!

With warning signs, simple is best. You can’t go wrong with a graphic depiction of severed digits above the warning: “DO NOT HOLD THE WRONG END OF THE CHAINSAW.”

Of course, not all warning signs are horribly violent. One we’ve seen hanging in quite a few Southeast Asian airport restrooms reminds us that there’s a right way — and a wrong way — to approach the toilet seat. Yes, the classic “NO SQUATTING” sign has no doubt saved countless travelers from embarrassing faux pas while abroad.

We are rapidly becoming a picture-based culture anyway, as declining book sales and literacy rates show. Most of the current generation would rather read a comic than crack a book. So why not switch to images that people instantly recognize? Graphic warnings are there, after all, because enough real-life graphic violence has probably occurred in the past for it to become necessary to get the message across as clearly as possible. No room for misunderstanding.

Then again, I still can’t decide if those CCP pedestrians are snacking or checking their cell phones as they cross the street.

And really: what’s up with those capes?

Maybe it’s time for new signs to explain the pictorial signs.