Does aiming for perfection lead to frustration?

In sorrow she sobbed. That is what every mother would do, no matter how young or old her child may be at death. The grieving Miriam Defensor-Santiago spoke articulately as always and discussed what she wished – that time would fleet by and that the hours would tick faster so that she could be in the realm where the departed live and finally be with her resting son. Miriam had a vivid description of this realm. It is "not above nor below, for we don’t know if heaven or hell exists. It’s a realm where no time exists and many years seem like a few minutes." With this thought she consoled herself that "perhaps the wait then won’t be too long for AR." She reminisced how her son would tease "Hi gorgeous" when he’d see her dolled up leaving the house. Malling time she’d see him approaching to fetch her and she’d say, "Hi handsome, can I take you home with me?" and they’d hold hands walking to the car. So what now? How does one cope with the tide of time when the heart is in a million pieces wishing the tomorrows would come to pass faster?

"I strove very hard to succeed as I came from a poor family," her children, more comfortable at their ages than Miriam was at her time, were told, "I would be happy with any reasonable grade," her voice trailing away. "Tingting, do you know what God intended for us to do on earth?" she asked me. I let her answer that. "To acquire wisdom, bliss, and perfection." Isn’t that exactly what we want for our children?

* * *

Unlike Miriam who from a sharp glistening memory to her philosophical readings has a tongue that cuts through dreams, I hesitated at her invitation to meet and discuss theology. In spite of Theology being my minor degree, would I accept her challenge?

I thought in the meantime till she’s feeling better I should brush on the three words she said holds the will of God for men to make it theirs – wisdom, bliss and perfection.

* * *

If you ask any parent, they will give you the same answers as Miriam. One of them is bliss. I too want my children to be happy. I want my children to grow up making the right decisions and knowing what is right and what is wrong. Wisdom. That was AR’s self expectations. Finally, we want our children to take full advantage of their potentials and be accomplished members of the community. Perfection.

Let’s start with wisdom. Wisdom is the ability to discern what is true, right and lasting. It is having a wise plan or course of action. Common sense so to speak. As soon as we have our own children, we inculcate upon them the basic norms of decent living, fundamental social skills and basic humane behavior.

At some age, our children start to challenge our personal beliefs, question our norms and we start debating with them on what is right and what is wrong. They’re a joy to watch as we allow them to develop their own thoughts, whether they be our same dreams or not. We try to understand them because soon our children will question our norms.

We allow our kids to make mistakes hoping that in the process of gaining experience, they gain valuable lessons too, as experience is the mother of wisdom anyway. In retrospect, us parents allow our children to profit from our wisdom and expect our children to increase in theirs. Universally, parents just want their children to grow up having wisdom. With wisdom, they should be able to choose the path that they want to take with our little prodding according to our ways. When they refuse, what can we do but guide them?

* * *

And how about bliss? Bliss is undeniably what we all want for our children. In fact, if we are able to teach our children to live a life that is worth living, that’s bliss. Some parents equate bliss with success. They think if their child is popular in school, he is successful. If he is successful, then he must be happy. Or, if she’s doing well in her profession, she is successful, ergo, she must be happy. But in Defining Success, writer John Clark expressed in his book, "Success can only be measured by the amount of happiness it brings."

He points out two types of success – outer and inner. Outer success, he writes, is the kind that concerns itself with how others see us. The kind of happiness it brings is only temporary and after a certain time, it leaves the achiever with a sense of emptiness. This kind of success is shallow. Writer, teacher and editor Joseph Campbell affirms this. He advises us to aim for inner success, achievable by following our bliss. The way to do it is by following your soul. It dictates your inner bliss. With this parents are warned that while our kids usually take it upon themselves to follow their parents’ bliss, it may not necessarily be theirs. Inner bliss might be an elusive commodity but definitely worth pursuing. Because we want it for ourselves, we would die for our children to attain it. We want our children to find a lasting state of bliss. For us, that is all there is to it. Am I in the right direction, dearest Miriam?

So it was the cruel line of questioning that threw our Senator’s son off. AR viewed that disastrous interview as an affront to his family and his person and he felt painfully disheartened. What did it actually have to do with his academics? But life had to go on for AR and he went to Ateneo Law School instead. The day he took his life, he found out that he flunked a subject where his mother excelled. Already on the edge, he took this failure hard... hardest than all the others who may have flunked that same subject. And we all know what happened next. Now, feisty Miriam says she’s gone numb and out of stream. Even the toughest of hearts can’t help but empathize with her.

* * *

Finally, there’s the subject of perfection. Aiming for perfection is a natural constructive human activity. It is a worthwhile objective of course! It motivates people to do better each chance they get. We try to live it especially if we know we’d get approval from our friends and family and especially when we know it’s for the good of the community. But why does aiming high appear to have gone out of style? Why are we who have set high goals for our children branded as harsh and forbidding? The usual comment is "nobody is perfect!" Sure, nobody is perfect. But why capitalize on that? Why continue wallowing in self-indulgences and ignorance with a fall back proclamation that "nobody is perfect"? And why is "she’s such a perfectionist" a description usually said in contempt and deemed derogatory. Shouldn’t we laud anybody having such high standards? When did being perfect or wanting things to be perfect ever start being connoted so negatively. There was a time when being perfect was the general goal. What happened? It must be because aiming for perfection could result to frustration and while experts maintain that there’s nothing wrong with aiming for perfection, they advise that one must not insist on its fulfillment. Besides, I agree with Thomas de Quincey, British essayist and critic, when he said that "even imperfection itself may have its ideal or perfect state." So why shouldn’t we bat for that? I’d settle for that – but not AR who must have felt he had big shoes to fill.

Now it’s my turn to ask Miriam. Is perfection really an unattainable illusion? I think it is too difficult to attain perfection when the cascading disappointments can become too much for our souls.

* * *

Life is a continuous challenge. Perfection is what all men strive for and what God in our imperfection desires for us to become, so with wisdom and bliss. In the inner recesses of our minds and souls we want all children, yours and mine, to have all three.

Many condole with Jun and Miriam. I will not even pretend I know how they feel. What I know is they didn’t wish anything for their child that other parents didn’t.