Running away from the saliva tree

They say that the hardest thing to do in Manila is to date. It’s such a small town that the incestuous buzz on all local hook-ups by virtue of two-degree permutations leaves you wondering if it’s easier to do an orgy instead.

My beautiful friend, who is a graduate of an Ivy League school, has looks that can gloss any magazine and wit that can wet the driest of spells. She found herself charmed by Manila except for the dating department. She exclaimed, "There are just no men here!" in a room filled with men drooling over her. I pondered on her sad but true proclamation on the city’s dating climate, and yes, I have noticed that this year most especially the whole city is single together. Yes, there are those random trysts that are quickly forgotten as the buzz from the alcohol lightens to a haze. But serious hook-ups fall into a rarer tropic, that of divine intervention, serious serendipity and the miraculous absence of the saliva tree. The saliva tree is what you can call all these permutations that basically switch one partner with another, making each change of partner a branch that swaps, well, saliva from a previous beau. I know it’s gross, but it’s very real indeed for us. Think about who you are dating now – does he have an ex that maybe saw someone you saw before, had an affair with the girl who had an affair with your ex-beau, or something to that effect? If so don’t feel like an alien. This is dating in this city as we know it. Even infidelities are of the Nero kind these days.

So as the confusing liaisons bewilder an already bewildered single fry, the choice (or lack) of dating partners comes to mind. Now who can you date that is removed from the saliva tree? A virgin seedling that has no idea how your best friend’s (or arch nemesis’) breasts look. One option is to go younger.

Look at your buddies’ little brothers (although not so little now, you pedo) and see what promises they may offer. They sure as hell never hooked with any of your friends (unless of course somebody beat you to this strategy) and they still have that unjaded quality that hopefully will rub off on you and thaw away the Delilah aches in you. Look at Demi and Ashton! It’s so in right now that pushing the stroller is no longer a deed to dismiss. A fresh crew and new attitude from your baby beau is not only exhilarating but keeps you from the creepy scenario of spit swapping with your buddies. Kuya won’t mind, I’m sure.

Another option is to date a foreigner. This may seem like a sweet deal upfront, but remember these guys date at a speed faster than their local counterparts. There was even one foreigner who permutated between two friends in a weekend! So these guys don’t waste time and perhaps have a saliva tree as big as a California Redwood by week four. But not to worry as there are always the exceptions to the rule.

Although many foreign hotties date around like they are on a permanent spring break, there are those who have no clue who Cindy Kurleto is and have no stock knowledge of the babe glossary. If you spot him, snatch and corner him. If you have nothing in common you can use him as a reminder that virgin seedlings without excess baggage weevil do exist.

The most surefire way, however, is to just date out of the circle. This is hard since Pinoys need that link of contact. We’re not exactly in general a pick-up line society. Most unions are usually formed indirectly or directly by some middle man. Most wedding announcements have a short and funny spiel about how they were "introduced." I have a friend who met his girlfriend in a store in New York who picked up a coin he dropped. He told her to keep it and she kept him instead. Things like that I’m sure happen but by the truckloads most relationships are formed through mutual friends (except for penpals, which continue to be a dating phenomenon) thus creating a bigger chance for some Caligula-like loving.

So if you’re really determined to be a brazen femme and do some scorching on your own, there’s nothing wrong with commenting on a stranger’s outfit, buying them a drink and promising that it does not contain GHB (desperate women please!) or maybe just be a show-off with your wicked wit with a random hottie. Of course, there are still no guarantees. Unfamiliar faces may have treaded familiar territory. Take in the blow as you please and if you are adamant about fleeing the tree, you must stick to your guns and brave the risk of blowing off something promising.

My friend, who was desperate to flee the tree, took matters into her own hands when she met a promising seedling. A foreigner who, in the oft chance decided to try out yoga in her class, caught her eye. Being a total pro, she decided that the best way to snag this seedling was to be hospitable and invite him to a party. Of course, there was no party yet, but the moment the words left her mouth all she knew that the theme of the party was fight. So inviting a group of friends, the battle camp was laid out, leaving the rest of the group with champagne to stay away from her as she sculpted her fate. They were married soon after and are now blissful in her carefully cultivated virgin territory with faceless and nameless exes and past flings.

There’s nothing wrong with succumbing to the incest. God knows I have, but if this is the way you want to go, a little white lie can lead to a big white wedding. Keep your eyes open and whether or not the saliva tree is anyplace near. Always remember that true love grows anywhere.