The hand that robs the cradle

Hot off a romance with co-star Brittany Murphy from the summer hit Just Married, young Hollywood heartthrob Ashton Kutcher has a new lady in his life. And she’s old enough to be his mother.

Kutcher (25) is reportedly dating Demi Moore (40). And while this might have raised a few catty eyebrows a couple years back, in today’s Hollywood, it’s becoming rather trendy: call it the "Mrs. Robinson" syndrome.

There’s Madonna, 43, wed to and working with director husband Guy Ritchie, 33. And how about Sandra Bullock, 38, who’s seeing Ryan Gosling, 17 years younger, and her co-star in the movie Murder By Numbers? Then there’s Daryl Hannah, 42, seen swanning around Paris and London with street magician David Blaine, 29. And Janet Jackson, 36, recently made tabloid headlines by canoodling with Justin Timberlake, 21.

Broadway and Hollywood are starting to notice the cultural shift, too. On the Great White Way last year, Kathleen Turner, 48, slept with 24-year-old Jason Biggs eight times a week at the Plymouth Theatre in The Graduate. Meanwhile, at the multiplex last summer, there was a mini-epidemic of older-woman/younger-man couplings: from Diane Lane’s dangerous liaison with a younger Olivier Martinez in Unfaithful to Bebe Neuwirth’s surprise fling with her best friend’s 15-year-old stepson in last year’s indie hit Tadpole. Forty-year-old Andie MacDowell hit the hay with twentysomething hottie Kenny Doughty in Crush, not to mention Senator Amidala, whose May-August affair with teenager Anakin Skywalker was at the heart of Attack of the Clones. Last year also saw 33-year-old Jennifer Aniston hooking up with 21-year-old Jake Gyllenhaal in The Good Girl, making Gyllenhaal the new poster boy for OWYM relationships, since he was also the object of 39-year-old Catherine Keener’s affections in Lovely and Amazing.

What’s going on here? The old Hollywood archetype was of the aging movie mogul/male star hooking up with a trophy girlfriend (think Jack Nicholson and Lara Flynn Boyle). Now the roles are starting to reverse; the old taboo is losing its power. Older women are on top.

And the trend is not limited to Hollywood, either. It may seem obvious why an older woman would want to date a younger man. Here are some reasons given by celebrities and local practitioners of the Older-Woman/Younger-Man relationship:

1) Most men their age are attached, too involved in their work or are just plain unappealing. Natasha, 29, a local lawyer who’s serious about a 22-year-old student she met online while playing multi-user Dungeon (a role-playing game), says, "A lot of guys I know who are my age are so grown up. They just think about work and serious things like that. I’m still a little kid despite everything and he’s a little kid with me."

Akiko, a 35-year-old Japanese woman working in Manila who met her fiancé (seven years her junior) at a Bible-study group, observes that "the older guys and the guys I’ve dated who were my age were actually more immature than my current boyfriend. I’m generalizing, but older guys had a lot of emotional baggage and were afraid to face them. The guys my age were commitment-phobes and wanted to stay free by avoiding responsibilities."

2) Rekindle dreams they think have passed. Novelist Anna Quindlen says all women can divide their lives into three stages: Pre-Babe, Babe and Post-Babe. For women over 30 who think they’ve passed their Babe sell-by date, the new phenomenon proves it ain’t over yet.

3) Female empowerment. Say goodbye to the normal double standard exemplified by couples like Michael Douglas/Catherine Zeta-Jones, or Warren Beatty/Annette Bening. Today, women are more available and more in control. Even the old marital model has been overhauled: few OWYM relationships count on a lifelong commitment (notable exceptions being Susan Sarandon/Tim Robbins or Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell). Or is it a deeper, more honest commitment because there are fewer illusions?

4) The spectacular sex. Men hit their sexual peak in their late teens while women hit theirs in their Forties. You do the math.

5) The intriguing possibilities of younger men. Though they may be too young to be the White Knight, who says they can’t be Mr. Right? Younger men are less tainted and don’t carry the emotional baggage of a past history – a refreshing prospect for a woman.

For local OWYM devotees, finding Young Mr. Right can take a number of approaches. For Natasha, the Internet gaming world was her happy hunting ground. "I wouldn’t even let myself think that I liked someone I’d never met before," she points out. "It was what crazy people did." Eventually, her younger beau Jess’ role-playing friends sent her a group picture of themselves. "But I never sent him mine," Natasha admits. "I said I was a 200-pound whale with dark skin, pimples and dandruff-filled hair." Definitely one way to discourage a younger guy.

For Akiko, the younger-guy connection was more spiritual.

"I was attracted by the way he understood my faith and my relationship with God, and how he was open and flexible about different ways of worship," she says.

Also: "He was a good listener. He liked asking questions about me, and was not so intent on selling himself to me. He was attentive to my likes and dislikes and zeroed in on what would make me happy. We could talk about anything."

There’s another side to this coin, of course. What attracts younger men to older women? There’s the Oedipal dimension, to name one reason. But why drag in a century-old Viennese analyst to explain why young guys have the hots for older ladies? Here are some of the reasons cited by younger men:

1) Experience. In Tadpole, adoring Aaron Stanford tells his stepmother, played by Sigourney Weaver: "You’ve lived." Meanwhile, he disses his female classmate, who obviously has a crush on him, telling his best friend that her hands are "like a child’s."

"Younger women tend to have a limited perspective," affirms 28-year-old Dennis, a Pinoy web consultant working abroad who’s engaged to 35-year-old Akiko. "They focus on different things like going to parties, shopping, being cool, being seen in the right places with the in crowd and basically having fun. More mature women are patient and understanding. They know what they want and have a set direction."

2) Wisdom. Older women are more mature, more worldly. They don’t play the mind games that younger women like to play, and they aren’t drama queens. Instead, they’re full-blown divas.

"She contradicted what I said," Dennis says about what instantly attracted him to Akiko. "I thought that was quite brave and showed that she thinks independently. What she said made sense.

"Of course, I also thought she was cute, which is definitely an important factor for me." Which leads us to…

3) Confidence. A lot of older women are more comfortable with their bodies, say younger men. So what if a few more miles on the odometer has added a tummy, stretch marks or cellulite? Then again, this is also the age of the gym craze and Botox, where even a 50-plus-year-old can pass for thirtysomething. And more women are staying in great shape thanks to exercise and healthier lifestyles. Younger guys are noticing, too.

4) Sex. It’s a cliché, but experience in bed counts for a lot. Some younger men find older women sexy because they know a lot of tricks. In American Pie, Jason Biggs’ friends lusted after Stiffler’s mom – their MILF (Mom I’d Like to F***). There’s a definite curiosity about the potential for pleasure.

5) Richer. Sure, just as there are Sugar Daddies, there are Sugar Mommies. In Manila, there are the older ladies with on-call D.I.s. In Hollywood, more and more women are financially independent producers, actresses and players. And there will always be guys who are turned on by money and power.

Of course in real life, just as in the movies, the OWYM love boat can still end up on the rocks. Clashes are bound to occur due to the age gap. Just ask Natasha: "I totally hated the fact that he’s younger than me. There are all these stereotypes about it being better if the girl is younger and even if the logical part of your brain thinks it’s utter garbage, your ‘programmed by society’ brain is screaming that this is just too weird."

There’s bound to be a little weirdness on the guy’s part, too, especially if he’s not sure whether a woman is interested in him romantically or sees him as her little brother.

"I even had to do some research on the Internet as to the pros and cons of dating an older woman so that I’d have a better idea of what I was getting into," laughs Dennis.

Some couples dance around the issue of each other’s age ("How old exactly is she/Is he even old enough to be drinking?"), although both parties might secretly obsess about it. Attorney Natasha found out her younger man’s true age at the start, but was understandably shy about whipping out her own driver’s license till much later. (Once Jess found out, he decided it didn’t matter.) Akiko and Dennis gathered clues from mutual friends, until she bit the bullet and told him how old she was before they started dating. "I didn’t dare ask [before]," admits Dennis.

Money, too, can be a sticky point. Especially if she earns more than him. "We try not to think about it," notes Natasha, "but it’s always there, hanging in the air, the proverbial elephant in the room."

Then there are the cultural gaps. She may have grown up listening to Sting’s music, while he may be seriously wondering: Who the hell is Sting? She may be into art films while he’s into Vin Diesel – that sort of thing. The important point is to share common interests – like Natasha and her beau’s Dungeons and Dragons. Or, if he’s willing, let her be the older educator/mentor that he’s been looking for.

Hardest of all may be overcoming the preconceptions of relatives and friends. Though some families, like Natasha’s, are generally open to the idea, most of Filipino society isn’t really ready for this new order of things. "I felt a bit embarrassed in the beginning because some people would jokingly say I was a cradle snatcher," admits Akiko, adding: "That’s exactly how I felt."

Prejudices aside, real-life couples like Natasha/Jess and Akiko/Dennis are proving that happy endings can occur not only in Hollywood. Maybe there’s more to this trend than a high-concept Hollywood film script; Demi and Ashton are the latest oddball example of that. So here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson.