Can worship be mixed with doubt?
In our Gospel today (Matthew 28:16-20), the eleven disciples climbed a mountain to meet the risen Jesus, and we read, “When they saw him, they worshiped, but they doubted.” There was Jesus, flesh-and-blood proof of the resurrection, showing them that his promises had been fulfilled and that he was trustworthy. But there were the disciples—worshiping Jesus, but also doubting. Can worship be mixed with doubt?
In the most significant moments of our lives, doesn’t worship come with doubt? In weddings, there is love, there is joy, there is laughter, but there is also fear. The bride and groom may be confident in their decision, but there is still some anxiety: Can they really commit to forever? Can they live out their “Yes” for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health? The doubt is not a reason to call off the wedding. I would say that it may even bring husband and wife closer together.
I once visited a young mother about to give birth, and her excitement was overflowing. After almost nine months, she was about to bring a new person into the world. She could not wait to finally meet the baby who had been growing in her womb. But her excitement was tinged with more than just nervousness. There was trepidation in her voice as she confided in me, “What if I ‘break’ my child? What if I make a mistake and screw her up for the rest of her life?” This doubt is not a reason to take the baby away from her mother. It may actually help the mother become more careful, more reflective, and more grateful.
In the most significant moments of our lives, our celebration and thanksgiving are often accompanied by fear and doubt. While doubt casts a shadow, I think that doubt can also help us see more clearly. Doubt allows us to temper the romance with realism. Beyond the euphoria of the moment is the everyday reality of its consequences. Doubt can actually make us stronger in our commitment if we befriend our questioning and let this lead us to the realization that we cannot do things on our own.
How might Jesus have seen worship mixed with doubt? Jesus must have sensed his disciples’ anxiety as he was about to ascend to heaven. But he did not reprimand or even chide them. Jesus accepted his disciples where they were.
This applies to us as well. We do not have to be 100% faithful and 100% holy in order to begin following Jesus. If we wait until we are perfect before offering ourselves to Christ, we will never take the first step towards him. We will always be unfinished projects before our Lord, but this allows him to continue forming us. And in the process of being molded, we become more intimate with our God. We cherish our God more as we also feel how much he cherishes us.
While this may be comforting and consoling, it also comes with a challenge: Just as God accepts us as we are, we have to accept other people as they are. We may want them to grow and be better, but we cannot wait for them to reach a level we find acceptable before we decide to love them. That means loving the coworker who frustrates us, the child who tests our patience, or the friend who keeps making mistakes. We are all unfinished projects, and we will remain unfinished until our final breaths.
How else does Jesus react to worship mixed with doubt? Jesus does not just accept us as we are; he blesses us with one of the greatest honors he can give: He shares his mission with us. He trusts us and entrusts us with the building of his Father’s kingdom: “All power in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you.”
How can Jesus trust us disciples who worship but also doubt? We have failed many times before; we will fail many times more. We go to Confession, and not a day later, we fall into the same sins again. We go to Mass, but even as we line up for Communion, we judge the people around us by the clothes they wear. Shortly after receiving Christ, we find ourselves losing our temper in the parking lot as all of us get tangled in traffic making a beeline for the mall. We may look clean and spotless on the outside, but if people only knew what is lurking in our minds and hearts… but God knows what is inside us. And still he trusts us?
When doubt threatens to overpower worship, let us remind ourselves of one last promise Jesus gives us in our Gospel today as he ascends to the Father: “Behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age.” We, the unfinished projects, will never be abandoned or left alone. God will patiently continue to work on us and work with us until we are brought to completion.
Your prayer assignment this week:
Can you befriend your doubt? Can you trust that God accepts you as you are? Can you accept others as they are? Can you cling to God as he molds you and remolds you until you become a masterpiece?
Try answering these questions while praying with Leanna Crawford’s “Work in Progress” (https://www.youtube.com/
It ain't easy to put imperfect on a page
Admit there's things I need to change
To say what I'm about to say
I've got issues, I'm anything but figured out
And, oh, I feel much better now
That I just said those words out loud
I'm a work in progress
I'm a not quite there yet
A little rough around the edges
Yeah, it's true
A long way from perfect
As long as He's still working
I'm a work in progress
Additional homework: As you watch the video, try to answer this question: How might Leanna Crawford be feeling as she sings this? From the very beginning of the song, the answer will already be clear. She sings as an unfinished project, just like the disciples who worshiped but doubted, just like us who remain works in progress before God. And that is exactly where Jesus meets us, promising: “I am with you always, until the end of the age.”
