‘Terribly abusive men are usually charming at first’

DEAR EPPY,

I wanted to write to you because of what happened last November 15 with me and my boyfriend.  Allow me to give you a brief background.  My boyfriend and I met when we were still in high school.  We had what people would refer to as MU (mutual understanding).  When we were in 2nd year college, we decided to start a serious relationship.  Everything went well.  On our first Christmas and Valentine’s Day, I didn’t receive gifts from him.

We celebrated our second anniversary last October 29 and he didn’t give me anything at all.  This isn’t an issue for me anymore.  I understand that he can’t give me expensive things because his family is having financial problems.  His allowance is P600 per week though his classes are four times a week.

Last November 15, I went out of our school to buy some things from SM.  He accompanied me until we reached the front gate of our school.  Then he realized he left his ID and asked me to get it for him.  I refused.  I told him that I had to go to SM because I needed those materials for my next class.  I told him to ask his friends inside the campus to bring it out for him.  He still forced me to get his ID so I again strongly refused.  He took my wallet, ID, and cellphone so I couldn’t go to SM.  It took him minutes to return them to me.

He dropped my things on the lawn.  I quickly picked up my things and left.  After five days of no communication, he texted me and said sorry about what happened.  For the first few days, I was somehow stiff, but I softened after awhile. 

Another incident happened last Monday.  I texted him to stay with me until 3 p.m. — his class was only until 12 noon.  I told him I’d buy lunch for us and he agreed.  I arrived in school roughly 15 minutes before noon.  I started texting him.  He didn’t reply so I ate my lunch alone and left his.

I started calling him at 1 p.m. until 2:30 p.m.  I think I made more than 10 calls.  So I was really mad at him and left at exactly 3 p.m.  He texted me at 8 p.m. and was really sorry, but I couldn’t forgive him. I think what happened was really too much. Do you think he’s abusing me? What should I do? FEELING ABUSED

DEAR FEELING ABUSED,

Abuse is a common occurrence in human relationships.  With what you’ve told me, chances are quite high that your boyfriend is abusive just like everyone else.  However, in the past, I always stress the point that abusers are different from people with abusive behavior.  Abusers are cruel and relentless.  They cannot understand that people get hurt. 

The average human being is abusive, but when made aware that someone was hurt because of his actions, he would feel guilt and would want to stop that behavior.  It cannot be stressed enough that abusers and people with abusive acts are two different people.

For example, a wife can say that her husband is an abuser and she is a victim of abuse.  It is true that she is a victim of abuse.  Yet, when interviewed, it will be clear that the husband will not want to communicate with her because whenever they talk, she’ll find fault in everything he says and everything he does.  As a result, the husband avoids her and will withhold communication, which is an abusive act.  Yet, fault-finding on the woman’s part is also abusive.  The appropriate conclusion is that the woman and the man are in an abusive relationship, but both are not abusers.

Going back to your case, what does this mean then about your boyfriend?  Yes, he is abusive.  Not giving you a gift is not necessarily abusive as he might need to save on money.  But grabbing your things is abusive.  Not showing up for an appointment is abusive, especially that technology has made communication between people easy these days. 

What should you do?  Talk to him.  The two of you are young and your responses to each other are immature.  Your boyfriend acts like a little boy.  Instead of talking to you and expressing his frustrations and disappointments, he takes revenge and makes you feel bad about yourself. 

But you must also reflect on your behavior. When you said, “…but I can’t forgive him,” after he sent a text to ask for forgiveness when he did not show up, does it mean you did not talk to him or respond to him?  It is also abusive to withhold communication.  Therefore, the two of you have the capacity to be abusive. 

Again, the two of you need to talk.  Tell him about all the things he has done to make you feel bad.  If he doesn’t respond to this and prefers not to change, then it is time to say goodbye to him.

According to Julia McKinnell of Maclean’s in her article entitled “Saying good riddance to bad rubbish,” there are terribly abusive men.  These men are usually charming at first, then later they become abusive. 

These men abuse by looking for characteristics that can be used against you.  For example, they will pick out the dryness of your hair and use that to make you feel bad about yourself.  He will call you names and make interpretations of your behavior in such a way that makes you look bad even if that wasn’t your intention at all.

However, when you break up with him, he will try his darnedest to get you back.  He will promise everything to get you back.  After the breakup, the abuser will acknowledge how you feel.  He will also start pointing out your good points.  For example, he will say how smart and beautiful you are.

But it’s always half-baked.  After a few weeks, he will stop what he has promised and be the way he usually was when he was hurting you.  The best thing to do is to leave him.  However, when he changes completely, that means your boyfriend has a chance of being a good husband one day.                                                           EPPY

* * *

E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.