Oh, Deer

Remember that scene in The Last Emperor?” he asked between sips of Jasmine tea. “The one where one of the court physicians took a whiff of the young emperor Puyi’s poop from the chamber pot, crumpled their faces, and ordered the royal cooks ‘No more bean curd!’’” He placed both elbows on the table, clasped his hands and leaned forward. “Well I don’t need to smell your crap. I just need to take a look at it. Then I can tell what’s wrong with you.”

And scatological diagnosis is just one of the specialties mastered by Dr. Phillip Tan-Gatue, a licensed University of the Philippines-trained medical doctor, a certified Nanjing University of Traditional Chinese Medicine-trained medical acupuncturist, an Oriental Medicine practitioner who learned about his practice by watching anime like Ranma One-Half, Dragonball and Fushigi Yuugi, a New York Knicks fan and a man who knows way too much about Japanese robots than any man with pubic hair should know.  

The good super-mecha doctor, whose acquaintance I’ve made over several years ago during the opening of Tong Ren Tan, a Chinese pharmaceutical company from mainland China, offered to give me a short introduction into Daoist sex secrets. I was guardedly optimistic about this offer since I was unsure as to how exactly he would “introduce” me to Daoist sex secrets. In turn, I offered him that we meet up in a public place in case I needed to scream for help.

I discovered that Dr. Tan-Gatue was also a pop cultural anthropologist and armchair medical historian. During our interview, he navigated me through the three kingdoms of ancient China, Chinese medical practice and its influence across Asia, the preservation of ancient Greek medicine by Islamic scholars, the rites of the Eastern Orthodox Christian practices, medical situation comedies, and the lifestyles of male pornographic movie stars (trust me, they’re all connected to Oriental medicine).

When I offered to take a picture of the good doctor for the enjoyment of my three female readers, Dr. Tan-Gatue politely refused. “I’ll just give you a picture of a preserved deer penis.”

Careless Whisper

PHILIPPINE STAR: Doc, before we get all hot and bothered over Daoist sex secrets, maybe you can tell me a bit more about “oriental medicine.” 

DR. TAN-GATUE (A.K.A. MAZINGER DOC): The medicine that Hippocrates practiced actually has more in common with oriental medicine than modern medicine. The basic principle is the whole concept of “life force.” Now, that’s not a very accurate translation, but it will register in more people’s minds. In Chinese medicine, it’s called “chi,” in Ayurveda, it’s called “prana,” in Polynesian cultures it’s called “mana” and in Judeo-Christian traditions it’s called “rua’h.” The common concept across all these cultures is that life force is equated with breath. That’s why it isn’t surprising that, in all of these ancient cultures, breathing control is emphasized.

So that’s why you shouldn’t be a potty mouth. I didn’t realize that life force had so much to do with oral hygiene. 

(Dr. Tan-Gatue then asked me stick out my tongue. “Kind of fast for a first date.” I thought. The doctor stared so intently at my tongue that my tongue felt naked. If this doctor suddenly whipped out a tongue depressor, he would have to buy my tongue drinks first.  

“I think you may have a weak stomach.” he remarked. The doctor then placed three fingers to the side of my wrist and pressed down gently. “You also have strong kidneys.”

“My kidneys are flattered, doc.” I replied. “My kidneys work out a lot. In fact, I do go to the banyo about 13 times in an hour.” The doctor raised one of his eyebrows.)  

So, doc, you’ve seen my tongue and I guess that we’re close now.

Among other things.

Please don’t make me stick my tongue out at you again. What exactly are Daoist sex secrets? And if they are so secret why do you know them?

I’m a doctor. I know a lot of things. 

And I’m guessing that your wife is also a very happy woman. Or is that a secret as well?

Funny thing is, these so-called sex secrets are just like many of the “secrets” you find all over the Internet. They seem esoteric, but they’re actually quite practical. Paraphrasing from House M.D. (a popular US medical drama. I took the liberty of getting the complete DVD box set. — RJ): “Sex can kill you. Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you’re lifting three times your body weight. It’s violent. It’s ugly. And it’s messy. And if God hadn’t made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago.” Sex is meant to be fun. But what these Daoist sex secrets do is to help you enjoy it more.

No wonder there are so many DOMs still around out there.

But to fully understand these practical sex tips, we need to understand how Daoists 1) look at the world, 2) look at the body and 3) obsess about cleanliness.

Yang Oh Be There

DR. TAN-GATUE: Daoist and Buddhist priests always say “wash, wash, wash.”

I agree, there’s nothing like scrubbing your pink parts red. Wait a moment, do Daoists and Buddhists have to be celibate?

Buddhist priests and some Daoist priests are celibate. Let’s put it this way, it depends on the tradition you follow. For example, true of false: All Catholic priests have to be celibate.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that they may never hear my confession again.

It’s false. Roman rite priests have to be celibate! Eastern rite Catholic priests, who are in communion in Rome, have their own traditions. And some of these Eastern Orthodox priests can get married. 

I hope these priests “wash, wash, wash” as well. Like they say, “cleanliness is next to Godliness.”

Daoists always emphasize being clean. In fact, they want the anus to be so clean that it has no smell. That’s pretty hard in today’s world.

It’s not that hard if you have a yaya. Exactly how clean does it have to be? Hand-sanitizer clean? Soap and water clean? Hydrochloric acid clean? 

Just wash yourself clean. And, of course, it’s a turnoff for the woman if that part smells, right? And on an emotional level, you need to connect with the woman.

I’m sure it’s hard for women to connect with their partners if their partners’ connections smell like urinals.

The Daoists also emphasize not doing too much.

Too much what? Cleaning of the anus?

Too much sex. In fact, when I was studying in China, the cause of almost every disease that we studied was too much sex.

No wonder I feel lethargic most of the time.

(Yeah, right. — RJ’s wife)

One of my classmates, a white guy, raised his hand and asked my teacher, “Why is everything caused by so much sex? Is there any disease caused by too little sex?”

Those poor, undersexed white people.

Well, too much is not good, too little is no good.

That’s all good, doc. I know a lot of No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSBs) who will know need to seek out your medical attention after this interview. Although I’m not sure all they will want to do is stick out their tongues.

Here’s a real-life example. What happen to men who do not relieve themselves manually or ejaculate for extended periods of time?

They go temporarily insane?

They have what we call ‘”wet dreams” or they ejaculate in their sleep. In fact, medieval Catholic priests thought that oral sex was being performed on them in their sleep by succubi — or female demons. 

Do you have the cell phone number of the succubi? I know of some pick-up artists who haven’t been lucky in their last hundred outings. 

What actually happened was that something — the “Yin” — was building up. Because man is predominantly “Yang,” the “Yin” had to go out. That is an example of why too little release is also bad. 

And many adolescent boys can now breathe a sigh of relief.

Keys to the Netherworld

DR. TAN-GATUE: Chinese medicine also emphasizes that the man and the woman must be a match.

So there needs to be some rough surfaces, some friction, and some phosphorus-tipped ends involved?

Did you ever see the movie Robin Hood: Men in Tights by Mel Brooks? There’ a joke there referring to Maid Marian’s chastity belt.

Ah, yes, my father-in-law made me familiar with chastity belts when I was still dating my wife. I was still familiar with it six months after we married because my father-in-law said he misplaced the key.

In the move, Robin Hood had the key, which was supposedly “the key to the greatest treasure of all the land.” The key flies and fits exactly into Maid Marian’s chastity belt lock. And then Marian exclaims (Here, the good doctor spoke in falsetto emulating Maid Marian. I got goose bumps in all the wrong places) “Oh, Robin! You must be my one true love because it’s just the right size.” But then the sheriff of Rottingham retorts, “It’s not the size that counts, it’s how you use it!” That’s Western mentality!

Damn those undersexed, oversized white people.

In Chinese medicine, yes, size does count. But not necessarily to mean the bigger the better.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that (cough, cough).

It must fit right. That’s a general Chinese medical principle. Why? If the “lock” is too small and the “key” is to be big, you are liable to cause overwhelming injury. If your “key” is too small and her “lock” is too big, the women will not be satisfied. And part of a good sex life is being satisfied. That’s the whole point right?

I’m glad that I have no problem with my unlocking equipment. But for the men out there whose keys don’t exactly fit the lock quite right, can they do anything about it? Should they add? Should they subtract? Should they inflate?

Of course not. The whole point of Daoism is not to force it. The concept of “doing nothing” in Daoism doesn’t necessarily mean lying down and being a sloth. It means that you are one with the Qi of the universe. That when a situation arises, you instinctively know how to go with the flow.

So I guess these men shouldn’t be paying a visit to Mr. Quickie for any quick adjustments. Lest something go wrong with their flow.

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For comments, suggestions or if you want to wash, wash, wash with my yaya, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers. Or e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com.

You can get in touch with Dr. Gatue at his website www.tan-gatue.net.