Love first

My husband and I have had the privilege of speaking together in several functions about parenting. Aside from the fact that such functions provide a way for us to bond, I’m thankful to have the chance to work with him on parenting seminars because we are reminded on the things that we are doing and how we can improve our ways of rearing our children. One parenting topic that has stood out, and that I want to share with you, is loving our children first and then setting limits next. 

I noticed that the number one concern for most parents when they attend seminars is how to best discipline their children. Though I believe discipline is very essential, what I’ve learned to be most effective is to choose to love our children first. After love has been established and the child feels secure about the love given to him by his parents, talking about limitations becomes uncomplicated to manage. 

In the book Boundaries with Kids, authors Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend encourage parents, especially mothers to go beyond the "Because I’m Mommy" mentality. According to Cloud and Townsend, a goal for each parent should be to be able to ultimately help their children accept their burdens willingly and for the right reasons. They present the stages of motive development in children and the common mistakes to avoid. Such as:

• Fear of consequences. During this stage, you must allow your child to understand the reality that there is a cost to unacceptable behavior. Your child will almost always test his limits by not obeying your rules. Parents have to remember to stick with the boundaries that they have set, be fair but consistent, and offer empathy to their child when he exhibits emotional reactions to the boundaries that he refuses to adhere to. A common mistake we parents should avoid is to angrily punish our child. A child who refuses to do his homework on time may be deprived of playing with friends outside during playtime. If you stick to your rules, later on, your child will learn to fear the consequences of wrong behavior.

• An immature conscience. Children who have learned to develop a healthy fear of consequences transgress to internalization wherein they are now able to develop an internal parent who does the job for you (parents).  This internal parent or early conscience reminds them what they should and should not do. Often, kids who’ve developed this stage talk to themselves as if you were talking to them. As parents, we must remember that we should not interact with our children from a point of view of being their friends or bosses. We are their parents. Until their conscience is mature enough to handle being dealt with as adults, they need us to be their parents to provide love, nurturance, and support.

Cloud and Townsend remind parents to refrain from being too strict with their kids to prevent them from developing a guilty conscience that may sometimes lead to depression. The other extreme that must also be avoided is completely pulling away from boundaries or being too permissive. It is as destructive as overharshness.

• Values and ethics. After the child gets used to working with the "voices in his head," the child then begins to take all those experiences in a more conceptual form. During this stage, your child may begin to ask many value-laden questions such as "Is it a bad word?" or "Is it ok to watch this TV show?" While he tries to understand your ethics as his parents, he is also wrestling with his own ethics.  Since your child has already started to operate on his own conscience that gives him feedback about what is right or wrong, it would be best for parents to avoid sending him guilt and shame messages.

• Mature love, mature guilt. The highest motive — love — is developed when parents continue to become a source of reality for their children. His most profound motive for life would be concern for his relationship with others. Cloud and Townsend urge parents to have the desire to define love emphatically: treating others as we want to be treated (Matthew 7:12). We parents must be mindful of making sure we avoid being highly critical or pulling away when there has been a breach of boundary that might cause our child to be compliant rather than loving. 

In the end, consistency is key.  As we consistently model to our children the reality of experiencing pain as a consequence for irresponsibility, the rights and wrongs of his behavior, and the pain his actions may cause others, he will begin to realize the good motivations behind his actions. This will help him grow up, own up to his actions, and be responsible for them. 

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E-mail author at mommytalk@businessworks.com.ph.