A cynics guide to life

“How do you call this glass?” asked the speaker to his group of wide-eyed audience.

“You have water inside occupying 50 percent of the glass, but it all depends on one’s perspective” said the speaker.

An optimist says the glass is half-full.

The pessimist says the glass is half-empty.

The speaker is right. Life is not what happens it is how you take it. It’s amazing how strong and highly motivated people could face problems with a healthy perspective and lick it. And yet, it is likewise amazing to see how certain types of people cannot see the bright side of things. Their assessment is always negative. Their evaluation of things is always gloomy, and while others look for opportunities behind calamities, some people look for calamities behind every opportunity. And this is why cynics never have any fun. They’d rather wallow in misery and they like to recruit people to join their club too.

As the political season heats up, there will be a lot of mud slinging and accusations thrown one against the other, and we better make sure we do not become cynical.

If we do, then we become pessimistic. And then we become skeptics. And skepticism is just one step away from being apathetic, and that will not be good.

The Email Joke Archive has collected a set of statements from cynics in life. Read these carefully.

The cynics say:

• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

He sings a song too. The words come this way:

• I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts.

But sometimes he tries to be inspiring. And so he says:

• Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.

The same cynic says:

 • Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

• If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.

• If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

• When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Sometimes you think he’s improving but he’s not. He says:

• It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

• A handy telephone tip: keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

• Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the “whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is” group.

• In every life, some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

• Just remember, you got to break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor’s car!

The cynics never like their relatives. This is what they say:

• This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That’s the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

• He’s a survivor too. He says:

• It’s a small world. So you got to use your elbows a lot.

• Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it’s cheaper than plastic surgery.

And then the cynic says:

• This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land and get off my land.

And finally, he talks about love. And he gets poetic too. He says:

• Love is like a roller coaster: when it’s good you don’t want to get off, and when it isn’t you can’t wait to throw up.

Cynics? They are all over the place. You hear them complain and whine they are never happy and never satisfied.

Misery loves company. They will drag you down. Stay away if you can’t influence them to change their perspective.

The Bible has something to say about these people. Proverbs 2:11-12 says: “Wise planning will watch over you, understanding will keep you safe. Wisdom will save you from evil people, from those whose speech is corrupt.”

So choose your friends carefully and stay away from the counsel of losers and jerks in life. There’s no good thing you can ever learn from a cynic. And as Bob Phillips himself said so correctly, “A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.” So let him look for his own colorless and tasteless world, but meanwhile enjoy your life for it is a gift from God.

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