When Mom grows old
May 9, 2004 | 12:00am
When a close friend’s mom suffered a stroke, my friend told me, "You know, Ann, it’s been such an adjustment for me. All my life, I looked up to my mother as my source of strength. She’s always been around – so strong, so dependable – for the family. So it’s such a change seeing her fragile and weak and the one in need of care."
Indeed, in the cycle of life where time flies so quickly, we might be surprised to wake up one day and suddenly notice that our beloved mom now has graying hair. The lines on her face are more noticeable; her steps are not as nimble as they once were; her constitution not as strong; her mental faculties not as sharp. But nobody can stop the passage of time and yes, if God blesses them with long life, our dear moms will inevitably grow old.
Kahlil Gibran said, "Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." The "separation" here may mean not just a physical absence but finding ourselves in a state where we are "separated" from situations as we have long known them – including seeing our moms in the peak of their health and faculties. So strong has our moms’ presence been that when they are no longer the "super" moms we knew them to be, we suddenly feel the huge difference in our lives.
Yet, it is in their seemingly vulnerable stage of being "old" that our relationship with our moms can take on a whole new dimension.
It is when all those faculties that made them such great moms seem to have diminished, that we may realize just how blessed we are to have been at the receiving end of our moms’ love all these years. Suddenly, it dawns on us how much mom’s hug or embrace, mom’s praise or reprimand, mom’s worrying and fussing – how much all mom did for us – really means until she is not too strong to give them to us the same way she did before. Though this period in her life may pose as a big challenge to us, it is also a special time because then we can discover if we have truly learned how to love without measure.
We, their children, can embrace our moms’ twilight years as a golden opportunity to show and make them feel how much we love them. How do we do this? Surely we can:
• Be patient and understanding about what mom is going through. She will need to lean on us now and we must be strong for her to do that. Just as she had been our rock, we, too, need to be strong for her.
• Spend as much time as we can with mom. Sometimes we don‘t have to do anything at all but BE THERE. Our mere presence reaffirms to our moms how much they mean to us. Whether just for a chat or small talk over meals, moms love nothing more than spending time with their children.
• Let’s be moms to our moms. Let’s show her exactly why she is appreciated by walking the extra mile and doing those things we had specifically enjoyed mom doing for us. Did she prepare great meals for us? Then let’s cook for her this time! Did we enjoy her treats out in restaurants? Then let’s take her out this time! Did we enjoy our travels with her? Then let us bring her on trips this time!
• Tell mom "I love you" every chance we get – verbally, by phone, by text, through letters or notes. If we’re not the verbose or overly demonstrative type, there are other ways we can do so – through flowers, little pasalubongs, assisting mom when she climbs up or down steps, or some such gestures of love and concern.
• Let’s check on mom when we can’t be there for her. With cell phones, texting, and e-mail, what excuse do we have for not checking her out? And let’s allow her to check on us – and continuing to be a part of our lives – by sharing with her what’s going on with us.
• Remember our moms on special occasions, but remember our moms especially on ordinary days. Drop by and visit or do something for her for no other reason than that you want to make her happy.
• Give mom her favorite things. If she loves gardening, by all means make her happy with tools and plants. If she loves reading, provide her with books and magazines. If she’s always loved shoes and bags, indulge her with these. The idea is to delight mom with the things that give her pleasure.
• Be sensitive as well to our moms’ financial situation. Moms are so self-sacrificing, their first instinct seems to be not wanting to burden others, so to speak. Often they do not reveal that they need financial assistance when they actually do. So let’s help mom out on this one the best way we can.
• Be vigilant about our moms’ health especially if it has not been good. Take an active role in their visits to the doctor, following up their lab results, their compliance with medications, and their over-all progress. If they need hospitalization, by all means let’s be there for her.
• Pray for mom, her health and happiness. And pray with mom any chance we can.
• If we have had issues we have not settled with mom – issues that need her forgiveness or our forgiveness – let’s settle it with her NOW. Not tomorrow, but NOW. Life is too short and precious to nurse past hurts and grudges. Forgiveness allows mom to travel lightly and happily through her twilight years. And forgiveness allows us her children to finally say we have learned how to love unconditionally – just as our moms had hoped we’d learn when they raised us.
• Lastly, apart from all those things we can do for mom, one of the best ways to make her happy is to take care of ourselves. Nothing will give our moms greater satisfaction than seeing her children leading productive, fulfilling lives.
Their old age is the time we can strive to treat our moms with the same degree of affection and love they lavished on us. Maybe we may never be able to approximate the way our moms loved us, but in trying to aspire for that – and in trying to lead our own lives the best way we can – we already honor our moms in the highest way.
Happy Moms’ day!
Indeed, in the cycle of life where time flies so quickly, we might be surprised to wake up one day and suddenly notice that our beloved mom now has graying hair. The lines on her face are more noticeable; her steps are not as nimble as they once were; her constitution not as strong; her mental faculties not as sharp. But nobody can stop the passage of time and yes, if God blesses them with long life, our dear moms will inevitably grow old.
Kahlil Gibran said, "Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." The "separation" here may mean not just a physical absence but finding ourselves in a state where we are "separated" from situations as we have long known them – including seeing our moms in the peak of their health and faculties. So strong has our moms’ presence been that when they are no longer the "super" moms we knew them to be, we suddenly feel the huge difference in our lives.
Yet, it is in their seemingly vulnerable stage of being "old" that our relationship with our moms can take on a whole new dimension.
It is when all those faculties that made them such great moms seem to have diminished, that we may realize just how blessed we are to have been at the receiving end of our moms’ love all these years. Suddenly, it dawns on us how much mom’s hug or embrace, mom’s praise or reprimand, mom’s worrying and fussing – how much all mom did for us – really means until she is not too strong to give them to us the same way she did before. Though this period in her life may pose as a big challenge to us, it is also a special time because then we can discover if we have truly learned how to love without measure.
We, their children, can embrace our moms’ twilight years as a golden opportunity to show and make them feel how much we love them. How do we do this? Surely we can:
• Be patient and understanding about what mom is going through. She will need to lean on us now and we must be strong for her to do that. Just as she had been our rock, we, too, need to be strong for her.
• Spend as much time as we can with mom. Sometimes we don‘t have to do anything at all but BE THERE. Our mere presence reaffirms to our moms how much they mean to us. Whether just for a chat or small talk over meals, moms love nothing more than spending time with their children.
• Let’s be moms to our moms. Let’s show her exactly why she is appreciated by walking the extra mile and doing those things we had specifically enjoyed mom doing for us. Did she prepare great meals for us? Then let’s cook for her this time! Did we enjoy her treats out in restaurants? Then let’s take her out this time! Did we enjoy our travels with her? Then let us bring her on trips this time!
• Tell mom "I love you" every chance we get – verbally, by phone, by text, through letters or notes. If we’re not the verbose or overly demonstrative type, there are other ways we can do so – through flowers, little pasalubongs, assisting mom when she climbs up or down steps, or some such gestures of love and concern.
• Let’s check on mom when we can’t be there for her. With cell phones, texting, and e-mail, what excuse do we have for not checking her out? And let’s allow her to check on us – and continuing to be a part of our lives – by sharing with her what’s going on with us.
• Remember our moms on special occasions, but remember our moms especially on ordinary days. Drop by and visit or do something for her for no other reason than that you want to make her happy.
• Give mom her favorite things. If she loves gardening, by all means make her happy with tools and plants. If she loves reading, provide her with books and magazines. If she’s always loved shoes and bags, indulge her with these. The idea is to delight mom with the things that give her pleasure.
• Be sensitive as well to our moms’ financial situation. Moms are so self-sacrificing, their first instinct seems to be not wanting to burden others, so to speak. Often they do not reveal that they need financial assistance when they actually do. So let’s help mom out on this one the best way we can.
• Be vigilant about our moms’ health especially if it has not been good. Take an active role in their visits to the doctor, following up their lab results, their compliance with medications, and their over-all progress. If they need hospitalization, by all means let’s be there for her.
• Pray for mom, her health and happiness. And pray with mom any chance we can.
• If we have had issues we have not settled with mom – issues that need her forgiveness or our forgiveness – let’s settle it with her NOW. Not tomorrow, but NOW. Life is too short and precious to nurse past hurts and grudges. Forgiveness allows mom to travel lightly and happily through her twilight years. And forgiveness allows us her children to finally say we have learned how to love unconditionally – just as our moms had hoped we’d learn when they raised us.
• Lastly, apart from all those things we can do for mom, one of the best ways to make her happy is to take care of ourselves. Nothing will give our moms greater satisfaction than seeing her children leading productive, fulfilling lives.
Their old age is the time we can strive to treat our moms with the same degree of affection and love they lavished on us. Maybe we may never be able to approximate the way our moms loved us, but in trying to aspire for that – and in trying to lead our own lives the best way we can – we already honor our moms in the highest way.
Happy Moms’ day!
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