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Valentine tips for women who are still searching for Mr. Right

A POINT OF AWARENESS - Preciosa S. Soliven - The Philippine Star

(Part I)

Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider wrote two best sellers on rules for dating. “Rules I” and “Rules II,” show how to follow the rules even in the most difficult and tempting situations. I intended to devote this article on the Rule Refresher for The Married Woman and the Mature Woman but I shall put it off to conclude the series next week. Here are some rules for women who are still searching for Mr. Right.

Reasons why women want to call men but shouldn’t

You can’t sleep well since he stopped calling. You want to ask him why he stopped calling. There are dozens of reasons why you feel it’s right to call but the girl must deny this impulse to call a male friend for it will end up in completely losing his interest in seeing you and losing your self-esteem.

Tempting situations develop such as – He didn’t call you. You think he lost your number. You think he thinks you’re not interested. You have two tickets to a show. You need a date for a wedding. Your mother told you to call him. Your girlfriend said, “Call him, it’s the twenties.” Your brother said he’d be flattered if a girl called him. Then you look silly when you call for these reasons: You want to get his recipe for lumpia. You left your umbrella in his apartment. You want to ask him what it is about you he didn’t like. “Was it my hair?  Did my conversation bore him? What was it?” You will change whatever it was. You want to know if the new woman is thinner, prettier, smarter or more successful than you are. You’re going to Cebu on vacation and need some sightseeing ideas. Then you end up asking, “Is it really over?” But he says, “Call me.” Be smart. End the calls.

When a man is in love

When a man is in love, he thinks about you and makes special plans with you in advance of Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve, your birthday, and Christmas. He’ll circle the dates on his calendar and try to get the best table at a romantic restaurant – and that could mean calling a week or two ahead of time! He might even suggest you spend the holidays with his family. You’re always in his mind and in his heart.

When a man is not in love, he sometimes doesn’t even acknowledge the holidays. He may take you out on Saturday night as he usually does and not even mention the holiday even if it falls the next day – hoping that you don’t either. He is really not planning to marry you, if he does not even call you the week of Valentine’s Day or New Year’s Eve. If you ask him why he didn’t call, he might say things were hectic at work or holidays are silly. But a man in love would not be too busy or cynical about holidays.

Weeding out Mr. Wrong

Love may be blind, but Rules girls are not stupid! You should be observing his behavior in various situations to decide if he is right for you. You may want to keep notes in your Rules Dating Journal to keep track of what he says and how he acts in his relationship with you. For example, is he a man of his word or does he promise and not deliver? Does he speak badly about people or tell horrible stories about ex-girlfriends? Is he cheap on dates? Is he critical of you? Does he drink or smoke too much? Is he rude to waiters? If either of you have been married before, how does he treat his children or your children?

It’s easy to ignore certain behavior, but if it’s written down in black and white, you will see a pattern emerge and not be able to lie to yourself or sweep it under the rug. Don’t marry thinking you will change this kind of behavior – people don’t usually change that much. Fein and Schneider believe that anything you don’t like about the man you marry was there when you were dating him –you just didn’t think about it seriously or told yourself you didn’t mind.

The whirlwind courtship

He is into a whirlwind courtship. He calls you day and night and proposes after a month or two. You think he is a little impulsive, but you are also thrilled! If you allow yourself to get caught up in a whirlwind romance and move at his speed, you may live to regret it. You need to pace the relationship – to wait and allow yourself time to observe his behavior in many different situations – before you make such a serious commitment. Otherwise, you may find out after you are married that he is a womanizer, gambler, emotionally immature, in deep financial debt, or has a criminal past. By then it might be too late. He is exciting and debonair, but he has a dark side. You have heard him scream at his family, his friends, and even business associates. He may yell or be violent toward you or your children.

For women who never meet men

Many women simply never meet men. Years go by without a Saturday night date. They spend New Year’s Eve with girlfriends or watch video. If this is you, realize that you may not meet Mr. Right, you therefore must take social actions immediately even if you don’t want to.

Plan to go to a party this weekend, get involved in a church, social event, do charity work, play tennis, jog around the park in your neighborhood, anything! You don’t have to dance well, play tennis well, or jog very far. You just have to plan these activities, show up, do your best and smile. Perhaps you are thinking, “But I don’t have anyone to go with.” Then you must go alone! Many women the authors have interviewed actually pushed themselves to go alone to a party when they absolutely didn’t want to go, and those were very nights they met their husbands.

Fein and Schneider know it’s not always comfortable to be single in social gatherings, but then again, many things they tell you to do in The Rules are not always comfortable. You’re also probably worrying that the kind of men you’re attracted to won’t come up to you, or that you’ll be frustrated because you can’t approach them since you’re doing The Rules. You’ll never meet anyone that way, so you have to go! Even if you don’t meet Mr. Right going out, it’s a chance to meet new people, broaden your horizons, learn to be at ease in crowds, and best of all, to practice The Rules.

The rules on dating are needed to conserve the moral society for the 21st century

A couturier who specializes in sewing the bridal dress says that most of the young customers are pregnant when they go to her. She insists that they be honest, otherwise she can’t make an allowance for their waistline.  The ideal “till death do us part” couple is no longer the norm since 30 years ago. Therefore, The Rules in dating, more than ever, is urgent in our society.

(Part II –  “Rules for Married and Mature Women”)

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