The Niños Inocentes Kamoteng Kahoy Awards

Beware. If somebody borrows money from you today, shoo him away. Or lend him counterfeit money and charge him a 50 percent patong (na talagang bubukol). If somebody asks for your hand in marriage, say “Yes!” right away, even without any pre-nup, after all you can change your mind tomorrow.

Yes, it’s Niños Inocentes Day (which happens to be Boxers Day in Singapore not because they pay tribute to boxers but because that’s the day when they open Christmas boxes).

Funfare will beat the 2009 Metro Manila Film Festival Gabi ng Parangal scheduled tonight (at the Mall of Asia SMX Convention Center) by giving out its First Kamoteng Kahoy Awards to showbiz guys not in official MMFF competition (in which all entries and their stars are nominated).

The following awards are based on just one criterion: noise. The louder the noise created, the better chances the nominees have of bringing home a kamoteng kahoy  which he/she can boil and bring as baon while watching (non-stop!) the seven MMFF entries (Mano Po 6: A Mother’s Love; Ang Darling Kong Aswang; Shake, Rattle & Roll XI; Wapakman; I Love You, Goodbye; Nobody, Nobody But...Juan; and Ang Panday).

There won’t be any “scam,” even if Garci begged off as chairman of the board of judges. Votes are counted manually since an automation is not operational.

Hand me the envelopes, please!

And the awards go to...

• Dr. Hayden Kho, Videographer of the Year (trophy is a replica of a miniature videocam with a silencer).

• Katrina Halili, The Victim (of Hayden) and Victimizer (of Dr. Vicki Belo) Award (trophy is shaped like the UP Oblation that looks like Hayden with his “honor” dangling).

• Maricar Reyes, The Silent One Award for not breathing a word about what happened (tie with Katrina with the two of them fondling the trophy with tender loving care).

• Ruffa Gutierrez and John Lloyd Cruz, co-recipients of The “Ingat” Award because they’ve been so very maingat with whatever it is between them (the trophy is in the form of a Biogesic pill which the “special friends” will split and swallow before they deliver their joint thank-you speech).

• Rufa Mae Quinto, The Blabbermouth Award because she spilled more beans than she should about her love life and her impending marriage to the man she referred to as the one who gifted her with a house in San Francisco (trophy is shaped like giant lips that talk and talk and talk, battery included).

• Regine Velasquez and Ogie Alcasid, Bride and Groom of the Year (hoy, kelan ba talaga ang kasal? Naunahan na tuloy kayo nina Michelle at Mark). Trophy is formed like a wedding cake topped by a pair of cute newly-weds with lips locked in a passionate kiss.  

• Robin Padilla, Desirable Bachelor of the Year Award because, two years after he and wife Liezl Sicangco have divorced (Liezl has remarried), he is quietly searching for a simple girl with the same faith and purpose in life as he has. Trophy is made to look like a kangaroo, the national symbol of Australia where Liezl and their children are staying.

• Joel Cruz, The Guts and Glory Award because he won hands-down (really!?!) the GMA “talent” search Celebrity Duets (trophy is made to look like Vice Presidentiable Bayani Fernando, the previous year’s Celebrity winner, who will hand it to Joel in a tear-drenched ceremony).

• Marian Rivera and Dingdong Dantes, The Brangelina Award because they are like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie who have been living together (complete with a child of their own) without “officially” admitting that they are “on.” (The trophy, one side of which looks like Marimar and the other side Dyesebel, will be handed by Rhian Ramos who will plant a kiss on Dingdong and only give Marian a “meaningful” glance.)

• Dr. Manny Calayan, “Songer” of the Year Award (listen to his CD and you will know why). Trophy is shaped like a wireless microphone which Calayan will handle with care as he sheds tears.

• Krista Ranillo, The Pambansang (fill in the blank) Award. No explanation needed. The Pacman Trophy will be handed to her by Jinkee Pacquiao.

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