Green and Bear it with Gary Lising

When he was born, he was so ugly the doctor slapped his mother. Veteran humorist Gary Lising is serious when he says he was his parents’ most cruel joke. But he did have a happy childhood and was even his grandparents’ pet. "They couldn’t afford a dog," he explains.

"Did you know that my grandfather wrote Florante at Laura?" he asks us. "But they never wrote him back."

"My grandfather reads the Bible every day. He says he’s cramming for his finals," Gary shares.

Gary is proud to say that he went to Ateneo from grade school to college, making him a true-blue Atenista. Once and for all, he sheds light on this age-old issue: Which is the better school – Ateneo or La Salle?

"Sa Ateneo mahirap ang mga subjects," he notes. "Sa La Salle, mahirap ang parking."

According to Gary, he walked the corridors of power. He hobnobbed with the rich and famous, the high and mighty.

"First Husband Mike Arroyo was my schoolmate," he relates. "Mike is really a very generous person. Once, people from an orphanage went to him to ask for donations, and he immediately gave two orphans."

Gloria Macapagal Arroyo was Gary’s childhood friend. "Kababata ko yang si GMA. She’s the cutest president I’ve met. When she sits down and stands up, she’s of the same height. One time, I told her, ‘Mrs. President, your Tamiya is already parked outside.’"

"Did you know that GMA was the first president of the PBA?" Gary reveals a little-known presidential vignette. "GMA was the first president of the Philippine Bonsai Association."

Kidding aside, Gary empathizes with GMA and how she’s tackling the problems the country is facing today. But her biggest problem, says Gary, is "finding a really good pair of elevator shoes so she can work better."

Gary boasts he’s often invited to perform in Malacañang. He’s no doubt the President’s choice. He remembers being asked to introduce former President Joseph Estrada at a Rotary Club meet.

"Erap told me, ‘Pare, ’wag mo kong lokohin kasi Rotary ’yan,’" Gary recounts.

When it was time to introduce the keynote speaker, Gary walked up to the podium and said, "President Estrada is a man who does not know the meaning of the word fear. He does not know the meaning of the word corruption. He does not know the meaning of the word dishonesty. There are many words he does not know the meaning of."

Gary is proud of his very Catholic upbringing, too. "I’m very close to Cardinal Sin," he tells us. "Even as a boy, Cardinal Sin was very religious because of the influence of his father, who was also a priest."

Being a showbiz person himself, Gary has lots of showbiz friends. Like Loren Legarda. "Once, I got a call from her," he recalls. "And I asked her, ‘Loren, are you calling from your 3210 cellphone?’"

He’s also met Loren’s alleged nemesis, Ador Mawanay. "There’s no truth to the rumor that Ador Mawanay is the son of Peping Cojuangco," he observes up close and personal.

Gary has also been asked to perform for the Philippine School for the Deaf and Blind on F.B. Harrison, Pasay City. He was certainly happy to do it gratis et amore. "Kahit walang kita," he says. "It was an early morning show. And I greeted the audience this way, ‘Magandang gabi po sa inyong lahat.’ All the blind in the audience laughed. I thought they wouldn’t be able to tell the difference."

Gary goes on, "Another time, Noel Trinidad, Subas Herrero and I performed at the National Mental Hospital. We were going through our routine when four inmates shouted at us, ‘Mga loko-loko!’"

"But so far, my best performance was the one I did for the mayor of San Francisco for which I earned a round-trip ticket to Frisco. Asked to introduce the honoree, Gary announced, "They say Mayor Brown is the best. Tonight, we acknowledge the man who said that – Mayor Brown!"

Gary tells us he’s had his fair share of death threats. "I got a death threat from Ali Dimaporo," he says. "Once, I told him, ‘I heard you’re getting a fifth wife.’ He told me, ‘Muslims only have four wives. If you take a fifth, you’re Catholic.’"

Gary intimates that Romy Jalosjos, who’s serving a life term for raping a minor, is going to join GMA’s cabinet as chairman of Bantay-Bata.

What really makes Gary laugh is his 12-year-old son Bugsy, who’s a grader at Ateneo. "I was a late bloomer," confesses this reluctant dad. "I didn’t intend to get married until I met my beautiful wife Maris. I’m the best proof of the saying ‘Love is blind.’"

"I feel fulfilled when I see my son," Gary confides. "He’s very handsome. He looks like my driver."

Gary shares hearty servings of Pinoy humor in three new joke books under Anvil Publishing, Inc., which will be launched on Sept. 15, Saturday at 5:30 p.m. at Powerbooks Megamall, Mandaluyong City. The books are titled Marcos in Red, Cory in Yellow, Ramos in Blue, Erap in Peach, Gloria in Excelsis; Green and Bear It and Food for Thought for All Occasions.

Gary also penned the best-selling gag books Golf, Erap and Other 4-Letter Words and How Green Is Your Mind? The first book, says Gary, sold 500,000 copies and went through five printings. And he’s not kidding!

Gary assures us we’ll go bananas over his Food for Thought for All Occasions. "The book is guaranteed to displease or please."

He says his book is "For adults only, with the consent of children." He warns, "Please do not lend this book to anyone. You will never get it back!"

The sayings may be vintage, but he believes that "like a melody, a really good saying lives eternally."

If we may add, "Comedians, like old soldiers never die. Their laughter just fades away."

Gary wants to be remembered as someone who made the country laugh through good and bad times.

"Yesterday, I was in Makati and I couldn’t find a place to park," he whines. "Finally, I saw this little space and I squeezed my car in. But then a policeman approached me and angrily said, ‘Hindi mo ba nakita yung No parking sign?’ And I said, ‘Nakita ko ho. Kayo ho ang hindi ko nakita.’"

So with Gary’s permission, we reprinting some jokes/one-liners/sayings from his two new books.

First, some quotes from famous (and infamous) people:

• Senator Frank Drilon: "I make it a point to be healthy. If I’m not in bed by 9 p.m., I go home."

• Romy Jalosjos: "Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, or married."

• Marvin Agustin: "I used to kiss my girl on the lips, but it’s all over now."

• Senator Serge Osmeña: "There is no difference between a politician and a sperm. Only one in a thousand works."

• President Estrada: "I will not revamp the Cabinet. Baka ako matanggal."

• Sen. Tito Sotto: "Old golfers never die, they just lose their balls."

• Atong Ang: "I will never be a balimbingo."

• Dong Puno: "My followers are Macapuno and my brother’s followers are Macaroni."

• Mary Jane Salazar: "AIDS does not matter."

• Mike Toledo: "Why are they always picking on President Erap? He has not done anything."

• Gov. Chavit Singson: "Who wants to be a millionaire?"

* * *

Now, let’s go to some definitions:

• Absent-minded: I made the mistake of kissing my wife good morning and saying, "Take a letter, please."

• Adultery: Two wrong people doing the right thing.

• Alimony: The roughing you get for the roughing you give.

• Bachelor: A man who is footloose and fiancee-free.

A bachelor rarely marries because when it comes to taking a wife, he doesn’t know whose wife to take.

• Bachelor’s party: Where the prospective bridegroom has the kind of wonderful time he could have every night if he were not getting married.

• Bigamy: The crime a man commits for which the penalty is having two mothers-in-law.

• Bore: I met a girl I’d like to bring home to Mother – her mother.

• Cheating: I’m the most highly-suspected person in my community.

• Clothing: One girl wears such tight dresses the men in her office can hardly breathe.

• Conceit: I always hire people who like what I like – me.

• Conversation: Conversation is when three women stand on the corner talking. Gossip is when one of them leaves.

• Cosmetics: Cosmetics are a woman’s means of keeping men from reading between the lines.

• Courtship: I like her because she doesn’t "No" much.

• Gold diggers: Some girls will only go out with a man who is tall, dark and has some.

• Golf: I play golf to relax when I’m too tired to mow the lawn.

• Dumb: It takes my wife one hour to cook Minute rice.

• Grandmother: An old woman who sits by the fire and keeps your mother from hitting you.

• Honeymoon: The morning after the knot before.

• Husband: A man who has several mouths to feed and one big one to listen to. A man of few words.

• Kissing: My girl used to kiss me with her eyes closed, but then one day, she opened them. I never saw her again.

• Love: To me, love is just a passion fancy.

I prefer well-formed to well-informed women.

A nature lover is a man who goes into the woods without a girl.

• Marriage: The best man is the one who isn’t getting married.

My wife calls me her better half because if she wants something, I better have it.

My wife only wins half of our arguments. Her mother wins the other half.

• Mortician: One whose life is a grave undertaking.

• Mother’s Day: Nine months after Father’s Day.

I’ve been married for years and I’m still in love with the same girl. My wife will kill me if she finds out.

• Old age: The hardest thing for me to raise in my garden is my knees.

• Overweight: The only well-rounded thing about my wife is her figure.

• Pessimist: One with a difficulty for every solution.

• Showgirl: More show than girl.

• Stingy: He orders asparagus and leaves the waiter the tips.

• Ugly: With a face like mine, I could sue my parents for damages.

My wife has a Supreme Court figure – no appeal.

* * *

Here’s something for grandfathers on their special day today:

Grandpa Pabling was caught unprepared by the cold spell last December and complained to his grandson that he hadn’t been able to sleep.

"Did your teeth chatter, grandpa?"

"Don’t know," he replied. "We didn’t sleep together."

* * *

Something not so off-colored from Green and Bear It:

Story 1:

On the first night of their honeymoon, the bride put on her sexiest negligee, snuggled up close to the groom and in a soft voice, asked, "Darling, now that we are married, can I do anything I want?"

"Of course, dear, anything you want," he assured her.

"Are you sure? Anything?" she insisted.

"Yes, dear, anything," he affirmed.

So she went to sleep.

Story 2:

A widower of 60 years was getting married to a girl of 20, and his two daughters were a bit disturbed.

"I really cannot understand these May-December marriages," said the first daughter. "I certainly can see what December will find in May – the freshness of beauty, the excitement of youth, a vigorous life. But what on earth will May find in December?"

"Christmas!" said the second.

* * *

This parting shot from stand-up comedian Gary Lising: Hope you had a lot of pun!