The rules of the dating method

(Part I)

In the ’60s dating in the Philippines without a chaperone was unheard of. Women did not call men or live with men before marriage because it was considered socially and morally unacceptable. Women need not think about how to end the date first, their fathers ended it by requiring them to be home at a certain time. Young college students had more lengthy courtship welcoming different suitors to their homes, until settling with the chosen one usually after graduation, and when the men would have been employed. Women were financially dependent on men and once married they became full time wives and mothers, most of whom did not pursue careers.

Compare that to ’90s women. Many are financially self-sufficient. In the Philippines, although they can afford their own apartments, cars, vacations and personal comforts, they still prefer to stay home with their parents. At times they can adopt or support a child on their own. They no longer need men to have good or interesting lives. They can function without men, but they yearn for marriage and children. The sexual revolution of the ’60s proved to be filled with empty promises — sex and living together did not add up to commitment.

The effective dating advice

Their problem is how to get married or be in fulfilling relationships. Who and what can women turn to for dating advice? They may not be able to relate their problems to their mothers who are trying to be modern, or desperate for their daughters to get married and produce a grandchild, will tell them, “Don’t be picky. Call him. Pay your way.” Well meaning girl friends may say, “Oh call him if you like him. What have you got to lose? If he turns them down, so what?”

Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider wrote The Rules and The Dating Journal in 1993. Seeing how the dating guidelines worked with an ever-widening circle of friends, acquaintances and co-workers, they updated these with The Rules II after four years. Other than being best sellers it became a phenomenon that revolutionized dating practices all over the world.

Ellen and Sherrie were not trying to write a bestseller. They simply wanted to help women date with self-esteem and get married, period. The book was appreciated not only by single women in their twenties, thirties, and forties, but with mothers and grandmothers, “She won’t listen to me, maybe she’ll listen to you,” wrote one mom.

Turning a friend into a boyfriend

Can you turn a friend into a boyfriend? Only if he really likes you, but circumstances prevent the friendship from developing further. There are certain things a friend does or says when he is drawn to you. For example: He always just happens to be in the neighborhood. If you are coworkers, he’s frequently taking lunch in the same table with your friends. If you are in college he’s always hanging around your dorm room. The bottom line: when a man is attracted to you, he finds ways — excuses — to be near you. He’s always hanging around. You can’t get rid of him.

When a friend wants to date you, he doesn’t talk about other women, even if he’s dating someone else. He never seems to notice other women, even your very attractive friend. Around you the words will not come out, they stick in his throat. While he is private about his own love life, he wants to know about yours and asks a lot of questions (the type of guy you like to date and what you do on Saturday night). He’s really figuring out how he can use all that information to make the first move.

When a male friend is not interested in you romantically, he behaves quite differently. He is calm, rational and you can take what he does and says at face value. He asks you for advice about dating another woman because he really wants a woman’s perspective. He’s not secretly in love with you or bringing it up to be closer to you. He talks freely about liking other women. He doesn’t think he is hurting your feelings because he is your friend. You are like his sister. He’s not angry if he sees you with other men because he is not interested in you.

But if you think he may be interested in you, you can casually mention that you are having boyfriend problems, not seeing your boyfriend anymore or that you’re not dating anyone in particular. See how he reacts. If he’s interested, he’ll ask you out, and then start doing The Rules.

The rules

Don’t talk to him like a friend but be light, feminine and mysterious. Don’t tell him all your problems. Don’t start pursuing him with calls, notes, dinner invitation. Don’t think you can say anything you want — call him whenever you feel like it.

For example if he’s from out of town and used to crashing on your couch when he visits you, now you should be the first to say “Its been great, but I have really a big day tomorrow,” and end the evening first. Now that you want him, you may be tempted to go to the other extreme — call him all the time, talk about your change of heart, refer to him as your soul mate, talk about marriage or the future — and drive him away. Men don’t like to be overwhelmed even by women they like.

Remember part of the reason he liked you is that you really didn’t notice him and never pursued him! You have been a challenge because you were truly not interested. You must not let the fact that he always liked you stop you from doing certain rules. For example, don’t see him at the last minute or all the time. Don’t start sending him gifts or talk about marriage or moving in. Okay you have decided he’s The One. But until he’s decided you are “The One” and courts you and proposes, you have to do The Rules — or you might ruin a good thing.

Rules for office romance

The office is one of the trickiest place to follow The Rules because if you are dating someone at work, your professional life and your love life may overlap. Therefore you must do The Rules strictly so you don’t place your job and relationship in jeopardy. Now assuming you are dating a co-worker or even your boss, how should you act? Below are rules for office dating.

1.) Work hard, don’t be such a tireless worker that you don’t care about your appearance. Make sure you’re wearing fashionable suits and shoes — you want to look as good as you can! Wear make-up and perfume, but not too much. (It’s an office, not a disco!)

2.) Even if you are free for lunch or drinks, don’t see him on short notice. He should be asking you out in advance for the weekend. If you see him on a whim, the relationship will become too casual. He won’t think you’re special enough to plan in advance to see you.

3.) Be discreet. Don’t talk about the relationship with co-workers. If anyone asks you what you did over the weekend, don’t say, “David and I went hiking.” Just say that you went hiking. Don’t answer any questions with “we.” It may hurt your career to be the subject of office gossips. It’s not good for a relationship either since no man likes to date a big mouth. Men love privacy. Anything co-workers know about the relationship, should come from him!

4.) If you need to talk to the man you are dating about business — perhaps he’s your boss — by all means, talk to him! Always be professional and return his calls promptly if it is a business matter. Just check your motives. Is it really necessary to contact him, or are you looking for an excuse to be with him. If possible, leave the information with his secretary or in his “inbox.”

5.) Don’t snoop around his office. You shouldn’t even be near his office! Don’t ask his secretary who calls him or who he’s having lunch with and where. It’s none of your business. Besides, she might tell him and he will be annoyed and resent it. 6.) Don’t make your office a shrine to your relationship. Don’t put his photo in a frame on your desk or keep a teddy bear he gave you for Valentine’s Day in your office after February 14.

Closing the deal

By doing The Rules, you will not only get a proposal, but you will know where the relationship is going, long before he pops the question. You will sense a warm, open feeling emanating from him, a desire to include you in his world. Here are some of the key words and phrases he is likely to bring up in conversations with you: The future — whether it be where he wants to live, his career goals, or the car he is planning to buy; Marriage (the M-word) — for example, he’ll volunteer that he’s going to be the best man when his friend gets married; Kids — he might mention his nephew’s upcoming birthday; Married friends — he might discuss his married friends or suggest doubling with them; His family — he’ll talk about his parents and ask you about yours or invite you to a family gathering for the holidays.

Within the year, if not sooner, he’s figured out that he not only wants to marry you but has to marry you to see you more often, to really have you. Your problem is not if he’s going to marry you, but when. Men can date for five years! They are notorious for wanting to put off the actual engagement part until later. If he suggests living together first to see if you get along or to see you more often, tell him you’re old-fashioned and want to wait until you’re engaged or married.

A man can love you, but marriage... that’s a little scary. Maybe he’s just trying to hold on to his bachelorhood, maybe he’s been married before and isn’t in any rush to do it again, or maybe he’s young (under 25 years old). If he says he does plan to marry you some day, then it’s up to you to close the deal. Ask him when and if it’s more than a year, see less of him and think about dating others. You’ve already spent more than a year waiting for him to propose do you have another year to wait?

A new attitude towards dating - sorely needed today

The Rules represents a change in attitude about dating, a new spirituality that is sorely needed today. It’s going against nature when you chase a man, sleep with him too soon, or beg him to marry you. He may end up mistreating you, ever if he marries you. He may never forgive you for trapping him and treat you badly.

(Part II: A Refresher for Married Women, The Mature Women)