‘What should we do with a son who gambles and is back on drugs?’

DEAR EPPY,

I have been following your column in The Philippine STAR for several months now.  I am 62 years old and a mild-stroke victim since eight years ago, which forced my untimely retirement from work.  My wife and I have six grown-up kids.  Our eldest is 38 years old and the youngest is 29.  Everyone is married except for our eldest.

My wife sells food in front of our house, which helps us with our daily needs.  Our second son has a stable job but is married and would occasionally give his mother some financial help.  But he confided to me that he’s been having second thoughts about giving financial support to his mother because she was giving the money to one of his brothers. 

The brother he refers to has been our problem for quite some time now.  He became an addict several years ago.  We thought that this son of ours has recovered.  The last time he disappeared he did not go home for almost a week.  One day, my wife and our daughter chanced upon him in a nearby barangay.  He admitted to us that he was back taking drugs.  Aside from drugs, he also gambles a lot.  That evening, he went home together with my wife and daughter.  He’s agreed to joining a drug rehabilitation program. 

Since we could not afford to send him to a rehab center, he chose to apply for a job.  My wife gave him money for his daily expenses for work.  When he received his first salary, he gambled it in a cockfighting derby or sabong.  Could you tell me what we should do? 

PROBLEMATIC FATHER

DEAR PROBLEMATIC FATHER,

Addiction is a difficult condition to address.  It takes time before the person actually can get himself or herself out of the condition.  Unfortunately, there is no intervention that can actually help people with addiction problems.  There were people that go through programs and were successful in keeping away from substances or activities that once destroyed their lives.  However, not everyone derives the same benefits from any particular program.  To this day, there are researchers, theorists, and practitioners looking for the right combination of interventions that can actually help a great number of men and women rather than just a few. 

In the Philippines, there are about 42 drug rehabilitation centers (more or less). None of which, I’ll bet, can say their program is truly effective. Much of the treatment here in the Philippines has the same type of attitude towards addiction.  But right now, there is a new type of treatment called Harm Reduction.  I say it is new not because it has been conceptualized recently.  I say it is new because it was only recently that it was given attention by a small group of people here in the Philippines.  However, it has already been in practice for years outside of the Philippines. This is considered a more compassionate approach to helping people using substances. They prefer not to call these people addicts. They do not consider people with addiction problems as sick. 

As I understand it, relapse is not even considered as negative.  Rather, it is an opportunity for the person to know more about himself/herself in order to reach the goal of controlling one’s use of substances.  Change is seen as a process that will take time.  The person is not expected to change miraculously overnight. 

As a clinician, I agree that calling people “an addict” or “sick” is not helpful and counter-productive.  It does not make them any better.  It might even make them worse.  This is similar to a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist labeling someone as “bipolar.”  It categorizes the person, but neither does it change anything nor stop the person from manifesting the disorder.  I also agree that people who want to change are not “hurried” to do so.  Hurrying sets the person up for failure.  This is true even for those without an addiction problem.  People who want to change, when hurried, feel the overwhelming experience of failure.  Thus, they will truly fail.

Your wife needs to understand that her (your) son is an adult capable of surviving in this world without her help.  Your other son is right in withholding financial support if the money he gives his mother would be handed over to the other son and used on something that will destroy his life.  Your wife must be fair with every child.  One child should not pay for the consequences the other child is not willing to take.  You see, a person who focuses on his need to derive pleasure and lets others pay for it is dysfunctional.  If so, then your wife is actually perpetuating the dysfunction.  On top of that, she teaches another child to be selfish.  In the end, she is the victim to both children.  She set herself up to be victimized.

There is a group that provides support group meetings for people with drug use problems, gambling problems, and other problems that have something to do with addiction.  You will learn more about other ways of helping people in addiction in these meetings.  In these meetings, the participants are not judged by others in the group.  This group will hold their first meeting on May 5 at 2 p.m. in Makati.  The first three meetings are free.  You might want your son to try this support group.  The exact address will be given after your son has e-mailed surrogathelfen@gmail.com, or text 09476574487.                     EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.