How to become a fossil

Last week’s column was about findings that “old” starts at 45, revealing that generally, our brains start to decline at that age. But if we live long enough to be really old, what’s next? Dying is a cop-out, scientifically anyway. I also do not have scientific notes about heaven or hell. But there is a scientific career option long after you are done with being old and dead. How about becoming a fossil?

To be a fossil is an extremely unique thing — more unique than being the equivalent of Steve Jobs in your field, being a celebrity beauty or rock star or winning the lottery. This is because only 0.1 of all organisms become fossils due to an extremely difficult process where everything in nature would have to occur (or not occur) within the time required. So if you want to join the Hall of Fossil Fame, follow the steps below:

Materials:

Yourself, deceased (preferably but not necessarily after having lived a good, happy life.)

A good bone doctor and/or dentist (while you are alive)

A fossil-friendly burial ground

Sedimentary rock

A deep desire to give yourself to science (therefore, not for the squeamish)

Patience, patience, patience (thousands of years required and naturally, you will not be around to take the credit)

Step 1: Die with good bones.

All the fluids will drain from you once you die and your flesh, which is composed of soft tissues, will rot away. What will remain are your bones. Therefore, it pays to have good sturdy bones (including your teeth which is why you should see your dentist regularly while you are alive) because bones are made of calcium — a mineral which could be recovered, preferably still in the form of bones that once belonged to you. 

Step 2: Do not get buried in granite.

Granite may be good for your glitzy office building but it is a poor fossil-maker since it is too hard. You should also not get buried in places where your remains will be fair game to the other players in the circle of life. You have the best chance with sedimentary rocks — bits of earth that have settled in the bottom of bodies of water and have been covered with layers until they have become rocks. Examples are sandstone, gypsum, conglomerate, shale and limestone. Under those rocks, free from oxygen that will hasten decay, your bones will not be crushed and will be compressed gently. You also stand the best chance of becoming a fossil if you were buried under sediments in deep water than on land since land erodes.

Step 3: Wait for at least 200,000 years.

If you think your day is so rich with happenings that you can tweet every minute, think of the drama that goes on in thousands of years. Volcanoes could erupt and spew fiery lava that could burn your fossilizing bones. Horrific storms and floods could wash you away and destroy your fossil future. Tectonic plates could move and claim your bones. But if your bones get lucky through all these tumultuous changes, your bones themselves or the imprints of your bones made by the deposits of minerals through time, will survive.

Step 4: Wait for an “opening” in nature to reveal yourself.

Climate events like rain, wind and excess heat can cause rocks to break and reveal fossilized you. Or as the earth erodes, it could reveal the layer where you rest. Bodies of water could also recede or mountains could move to end your life in hiding. But if nature misses, hope rests on #5.

Step 5: Wait for a persistent scientist to dig you up.

Whether the one who finds you is a famous scientist or a graduate student digging for her first fossil, you would surely move her when she uncovers you in your full mineralized glory and welcome you back to the world of the living. Well, sort of. 

May some of our bones meet in our fossil futures.

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