Why I dislike whiners

I have a question for you. Do you hate it when you hear people whine, moan, groan, whimper and complain?

I do. The reason being, the complaints I am willing to hear, but when it does not come with a proposed solution to the problem, the person complaining is either passing on the problem to me or would like me to join his or her company… you know misery loves company.

I kept this thought to myself and I usually do not openly display my intense dislike for whining until I read this article about constant listening to complainers is bad for the brain. So, the question is why do I dislike chronic complainers and whiners? It seems that there is a scientific reason behind this.

You hear people complain in many places and on many occasions. There are those who even complain in shopping malls, airports and restaurants. Perhaps I am being over-sensitive, but when complaints come in loud and brash, it makes me lose my appetite and puts an automatic frown on my face.

Listening to too much complaining is bad for your brain in multiple ways, according to Trevor Blake, a serial entrepreneur and author of Three Simple Steps: A Map to Success in Business and Life. In the book, he describes how neuroscientists have learned to measure brain activity when faced with various stimuli, including a long gripe session.

“The brain works more like a muscle than we thought,” Blake says. “So if you’re pinned in a corner for too long listening to someone being negative, you’re more likely to behave that way as well.”

Even worse, being exposed to too much complaining can actually make you dumb. Research shows that exposure to 30 minutes or more of negativity--including viewing such material on TV--actually peels away neurons in the brain’s hippocampus. “That’s the part of your brain you need for problem solving,” he says. “Basically, it turns your brain to mush.”

But if you’re running a company, don’t you need to hear about anything that may have gone wrong? “There’s a big difference between bringing your attention to something that’s awry and a complaint,” Blake says. “Typically, people who are complaining don’t want a solution; they just want you to join in the indignity of the whole thing. You can almost hear brains clink when six people get together and start saying, ‘Isn’t it terrible?’ This will damage your brain even if you’re just passively listening. And if you try to change their behavior, you’ll become the target of the complaint.”

Constant complaining and nagging drives good people to do bad things. Just imagine living in a household where the spouse just keeps on nagging, or you trying to fit in a family where the mother-in-law says nothing but negative things to everything you say or do? It’s not a healthy place is it? Now imagine working for a boss whose only vision and mission in life is to find people doing wrong and then whining about it. That is enough to either drive people crazy, sick or make them leave.

Here are some defensive moves to protect yourself against the pollution of whining, moaning, groaning and complaining:

1. Determine whether it is whining or venting.

Discern whether the person is airing out a legitimate problem that needs a solution, or the person is merely whining about things without having a solution to fix the perceived problem. Gently and respectfully ask the complainer to fix the problem. Get the whiner to bear the responsibility to fix the situation and not to pass it to another, specially you. You can simply ask, “Oh I see. And what do you plan to do about it?” If he or she cannot fix it and the problem is actually unsolvable, then at this point most complainers will walk away. Others actually get to solve the problem and they were just venting their frustration and not really whining about it.

2. Maintain distance.

I do not smoke, and I know that secondhand smoke will not make me healthier. We should look at whining and chronic complainers the same way. If we cannot help and the whiner refuses to be helped, then we simply maintain distance and do not allow negativity to poison our healthy minds.

3. Put on your “Force field.”

When you cannot get out of a situation, then you may need to put up a mental shield that refuses to allow negativity to poison your mind. Make sure that you feed your mind with more positive things so that you will have enough of the good things to buffer you against the negative things you have to hear.

In my case, I hang on to my favorite Bible verse in situations like these: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things and the God of peace will be with you” (Philippians 4:8).

While others are still whining about the situation, this enables my mind to start exploring possibilities of either turning this into an opportunity, or to come up with options to reverse the negative and convert them into positive situations instead.

Exposure to nonstop negativity impairs brain function. The best idea I present is to refrain from being a chronic complainer myself and be an encourager instead. Life is 90 percent beautiful with only 10 percent that is not. There is so much out there to be positive about.

(Ken Blanchard and John Maxwell’s accredited industry practitioners and subject matter experts join Francis Kong in an afternoon conference entitled: Leadership Excellence -The Winning Edge! On March 2 at City Club at Alphaland Makati. For registration and inquiries contact Jacque at 0999 7283971 or Mary at 0917 8173736 or call Inspire-UN Leadership Consultancy Inc. 777 6038)