‘My wife is not satisfied with our sex life’

DEAR EPPY,

 I have this small problem and I wonder if you could help me.  I have a two-year-old daughter.  I am happy about my family life.  What else is there to ask for when you have a wonderful wife and a daughter?  I can’t think of anything else.
But there’s this one problem.  My wife tells me that she is not satisfied with our sex life.  Whenever we have sex, she feels shortchanged.  She finds it unfair that I am satisfied after five minutes of sex while she needs more time.  I just can’t seem to satisfy her.

Can you suggest some other way I can make my wife happy in bed?

SPEED SEX

DEAR MR. SPEED SEX,

Physical contact is not the only variable in sexuality.  You must also look into the state of your relationship.  How close are you with your wife?  Does she feel good about herself?  These are things you need to consider for you and your wife to get the full satisfaction of sex.  You seem to think that your wife is the only one dissatisfied with sex.  For all you know, you also don’t feel fully satisfied with your sexual interaction.  Reaching sexual climax doesn’t mean you had the best sex.  You might be falling into the trap of thinking that a climax means satisfaction.  A sexual climax means you had a climax.  That’s all.  It doesn’t necessarily mean that the sex was satisfying.

According to Sara Bridges, Suzanne Lease, and Carol Ellison in their article, “Predicting Sexual Satisfaction in Women: Implications for Counselor Education and Training,” published in Journal of Counseling & Development, sexual concerns come along with other concerns not related to sex.  Depression, self-esteem issues, and other psychological problems seem to be present with sexual concerns. 

If, however, we do not consider psychological issues as a reason for dissatisfaction in your wife, we should consider your relationship with your wife.  Bridges, Lease, and Ellison pointed out that a female needs a sense of connectedness in order to feel satisfied in a sexual interaction with her partner.  The feeling of being loved is important to a woman. 

Remember that sex is an intimate form of communicating with someone.  Maybe your wife’s dissatisfaction in the sexual arena may be a representation of your relationship with her.  Reflect on your behavior.  When you have sex, are you the type of man that just goes, “… wham bam, thank you ma’am?”  If yes, I suggest for you to slow down a bit.  As I’ve said earlier, performing an acrobatic act may not matter.  What matters is that your wife feels that you are listening to her. 

“Listening to your wife…” means listening to your wife both in bed and away from it.  You must listen to your wife in your everyday life.  She may be talking to you about her day and all you said was, “Uhuh…”  Could it be that she feels you are not interested in her at all?  Then you confirm it in bed by having speed sex while she’s asking you if you love her.  This confirms to her that she is alone and there is no one to share her life with.  How can she be satisfied in bed when she is thinking this way?

If you are attentive to your wife’s needs, you might become aware that at that point in time she needs affirmation that she is loved.  Then when she is affirmed, she will enjoy it when you caress her more and slow down a bit because she feels that you do care about her and her needs.

Honestly, I think your wife’s complaint about not being satisfied in bed is a great big warning sign that you are in trouble because she feels neglected by you.  I suggest for you to be more attentive to her instead of finding good positions in bed.  You’re looking for a simple solution to a complex problem.                     

EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.