A son’s code of conduct in our changing moral climate

(Part II - “Raising a Modern–Day Knight”)

“More than a code of manners in war and love, Chivalry was a moral system, governing the whole of noble life.”   (Tuchman, ‘A Distant Mirror’)

Every son needs a Code of Conduct. This “weapon of the spirit” is vitally important when you consider the immoral character of modern society. Gone are the days when violations in dress code, proper haircut and running in halls were considered major problems in our schools. Today the challenges require on-site police officers, metal detectors, grief counselors and understanding the “the invisible dad” phenomenon.

There was a time when family values were reinforced by culture, but that time is long past as William Patrick writes, “Parents cannot as they once did, rely on culture to reinforce home values. In fact they can expect that many of the ‘modern’ forces influencing their children will be actively undermining those values.”

The pursuit of authentic manhood

Let me summarize Part I article in the presentation of “the manhood vision” to a son, as analyzed by popular parenthood lecturer Pastor Robert Lewis. It starts with a father teaching him a definition of manhood at the age of puberty. A father expands his son’s fatherhood vision by going with other dads and sharing adventures together (www.RMDK.com).

For boys 17 and older, create a manhood weekend with other dads to include fun and intimate discussions on what it means to be a man. Host a father-son Bible study on “The pursuit of Authentic Manhood” (Go to www.mensfraternity.com). Conduct several specific manhood ceremonies for your son in his march to manhood.

A will to obey

First and foremost, establish a written code of conduct that you want your son to embrace before leaving home. The first and most important lesson a young man must learn is that life is inherently moral. There is a divine will to obey. True satisfaction in life is directly proportionate to one’s obedience to God. Moral boundaries take on a new perspective: they become benefits, not burdens. A father must be sure that whatever code of conduct he settles on, it is one he is committed to pursuing himself.

A wise father trains his “page” to obey God’s will by teaching spiritual truth. We often view spiritual training as an event: God expands it to include a lifestyle! These teachable moments can occur “when you sit in your house” – around the dinner table or in the living room. Spiritual instruction can also occur “when you walk by the way” – at the park or at the mall. Teaching spiritual truth in “the classroom of life” is highly memorable. These ideals constitute the chain links in the Code of Conduct:

HONESTY – “Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another” (Ephesians 4:25). HUMILITY – “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourself” (Philippians 2:3). PURITY – “Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe” (1 Timothy 4:12); KINDNESS – “What is desirable in a man is his kindness” (Proverbs 19:22); SELF-DISCIPLINE – “Have nothing to do with worldly fables . . . On the other hand, discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness; for bodily discipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come” (1 Timothy 4:7-8).

EXCELLENCE – “Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win” (1 Corinthians 9:24); INTEGRITY – “He who walks in integrity walks securely, but he who perverts his ways will be found out” (Proverbs 10:9); PERSEVERANCE – “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

These make up the Code of Conduct of the Modern-Day Knight.

A work to do

Discern you child’s talent and then encourage the support and development of that natural gifting. Don’t try to make him something he’s not. Read books to your boy, which carry strong moral messages. Teach your son generosity. Show him what you give to charities. Take him with you on church and community service projects, mission trips, and the like.

Establish a work ethic in your son by tying his allowance to specific chores around the house and performance at school. During his teenage years, require your son to find some kind of summer job.

God has created each of us to do a twofold work. The first is our chosen profession. Every man and every son has been designed with unique gifts and abilities. The second aspect of “a work to do” relates to more than a chosen profession; it encompasses a son’s spiritual giftedness. God has designed men to contribute to the whole community. “As each one has received a special gift employ it in serving one another as good stewards of manifold grace of God” (1 Peter 4:10).

A woman to love

This third element of our Code of Conduct prepares a son to succeed in marriage. It addresses the most important earthly relationship he will have throughout the course of his life. The chivalric literature of medieval times revered the primacy of male-female relationships. The knight was instructed to treat women with respect and honor. For example, when Sir Percival leaves home in the story of King Arthur, his mother says, “You will soon be a knight, my son . . . If you encounter, near or far, a lady in need of help, or any damsel in distress, be ready to aid her if she asks you to, for all honor lies in such deeds. When a man fails to honor ladies, his own honor must be dead.”

Teach your teenage son about relating to women, both socially and sexually. Perhaps other dads will join you with their sons for a series of group discussions on this essential subject. I would suggest to you the book “Rocking the Roles,” published by NavPress.

Protect your son in his preteen years from the negative influence of television and movies. As an adolescent, set a high standard for him and yourself concerning media influences – and explain why! The more you model this for him the more he will follow your lead. Examples of domestic abuse have saturated the media.

An increasing number of young men are growing up without any model or teaching on how to love women. Let the bottom line be stated clearly right here: Men are called by God to love, lead, and honor their wives. This is the crown jewel in the Code of Conduct, an heirloom that must be transmitted from father to son.

Life is inherently moral

Modern man has forgotten the wisdom of a will greater than his own. Just like Solomon, he suffers the illness of the man “who has arrived and discovered he is nowhere. He has achieved his goals and finds they are not what he had anticipated. He suffers the disillusionments of promises that petered out – the payoff with the kickback! He has all the things money can buy and finds decreasing satisfaction in all he has.

“He’s the man who has become a whale of a success downtown and a pathetic failure at home. He’s the big shot with the boys in the office and a big phony with the boys at home. He’s the status symbol in society and a fake with the family.” This illness is peculiar to a culture that is affluent and godless.

(Part III – “The Power of Ceremonies”)