Preventing Your Child from Becoming a Narcissist

CEBU, Philippines - Does your toddler act in an entitled way? The type who demands special treatment, who believes the rules doesn't apply to him, who seemed unconcerned about someone else's feelings or desires? Does he flare up publicly if he doesn't get what he wants? Such actuations should ring alarm bells to you and to all parents. You must know how to wean your child away from the tendency to be a narcissist.

A narcissist is someone who is very concerned with his own interests and tends to forget those of others. He can be described as egotistical or extremely self-loving. Narcissism, however, is more than just believing ''you're great,'' it's believing that ''you're a lot better and more valuable than anyone else.''

Narcissists yearn public recognition. They think more about momentary affection than finding real friendship, and they have problems in empathizing with their peers. They boast and seem dauntless, when actually their self-esteem is frail because they are prone to vent aggressively if they are judged, taunted, or deserted.

More than ever, children who have narcissistic tendencies need to be taught to love others more and love themselves less - but also not to the point of not caring for themselves and their well-being and esteem).

That is why the Ramon Aboitiz Foundation Inc.-Dolores Aboitiz Children's Fund champions the principle that parents should always keep their expectations appropriate to a child's age. Imposing positive discipline when the child misbehaves is a better option, because it makes him develop a sense of long-term understanding of his faults rather than forced immediate compliance.

Here are six ways parents could adopt to help their children not to grow into a narcissist:

Learn to say "no." It is okay to tell the child "no" and to be firm about it, especially when he starts to throw tantrums and annoy you. In life, we can encounter a lot of "no" from people around us, so we strive to back up our plans. It is, therefore, ideal for children to learn this reality at an early age so they would be better adjusted to situations where they could not get what they want or not have things happen the way they want it.

Inculcate good manners. A loss or the lack of manners is the extreme form of narcissism. It signals that the child does not care about what is socially correct, as what matters to him are his own opinions and feelings. Parents must strive to correct the crude manners and devote time in explaining to the kid why it is wrong.  Unless the child is told that what he is doing is wrong, he would not know his mistake.

Teach the child how to cope with frustration. Studies have shown that one of the finest barometer of ensuring happiness in adults is knowing how to face failure and learn from it. So teach your child how to conquer difficulties while at the same time teaching him or her about defeat. Narcissistic tendencies can also be countered by lessons on victories being sweeter when shared, or when losing means upholding the greater good.

Show compassion. By showing your child that, aside from him, you are compassionate to others, is the best way to teach him compassion. Your child doesn't only recognize how you treat him, he also notices how you get along with other people.  Parents who are rude to other people but their kids are sending a strong message that family members are the only people that matter and all others are worthless.

Differentiate love from approval. Loving their children unconditionally is what parents must have for their children. But that love should not be synonymous with habitual consent or outright cheer on everything the kids do. You can love someone while at the same correcting them and making them change their bad habits.

Eddie Brummelman, a post-doctoral researcher at the University of Amsterdam, learned in a study he led that while parental warmth leads to high self-esteem in children, those whose parents treat them as more special compared to other children - and therefore must be treated as such - grow to be more narcissistic than others. He, however, differentiated high self-esteem, which parents always want their children to have, with narcissism, especially among young children.

In an article at www.pbs.org, Brummelman is quoted by Rebecca Jacobson as saying: "Narcissistic children feel superior to others, believe they are entitled to privileges, and want to be admired. Children with high self-esteem feel satisfied with themselves."

Take time to be with your kids.  It takes effort for parents to have quality time with their children. But it is necessary in order for them to properly guide their young ones. So join your children making their toy houses, read bedtime stories to them before they sleep, or TV with them. If your time allows, it is best if you could send them to school yourself, so you would also know what environment their school has.

Children with narcissistic tendencies need support in learning to comprehend other people's thoughts and emotions and to respond in a nurturing way. Parents are in the best position to show them the way - by modeling proper behavior.

(References: www.psychologytoday.com; www.news.com.au; www.pbs.org)