Bikini watching

MANILA, Philippines - Sure, we could help you find the perfect suit for your shape, but what fashion magazine hasn’t already done that, like, every year? Instead, we’ve rounded up some of what we consider to be the more…questionable swim styles available on the bikini market today. Pardon our snark. But hey, if any of these debatably “fashionable” suits are in your summer suitcase, we won’t be the only ones with something to say.

Fringe bikini

Perfect for: Faking a little something extra up top for the less-than-gifted ladies out there, lending the standard swimsuit a slightly flirtatious touch.

Frequently worn by: Girls whose favorite Disney movie is Pocahontas (we’re willing to bet you can sing Colors of the Wind from memory). People who just can't let go of the boho trend. Can you not with the headbands?

Best worn at: Music festivals, probably paired with denim cutoffs, boots (no fringes on the boots, please), and that extremely unnecessary headband. The beach, if you’re looking for your blonde and blue-eyed Captain John Smith.

Tiny bandeau bikini

Perfect for: Those who are looking to show off as much boob as possible, possibly without actually having any boobs to show.

Frequently worn by: Women who’ve run out of bikini tops and decide to use headbands instead. People who would really rather not be wearing a top at all, but feel compelled to do so for propriety’s sake, therefore opting for the closest-to-nonexistent alternative to nudity.

Best for: The under-boob-top-boob tandem to, you know, attract boys and free drinks.

High-waisted bikini

Perfect for: Masking extra tummy fat and an inability to hit the gym; highlighting an hourglass figure.

Frequently worn by: Women who wish they lived in the ‘40s. Dita Von Teese wannabes. Special vintage snowflakes.

Best worn: Under the shade of a giant palm tree, if you care at all about your tan lines.

Thong bottoms

Perfect for: The confident, bootylicious babe with a bum that looks like she does a thousand squats a day. (If you have stretch marks, please, it’s probably better to stay away.)

Frequently worn by: Brazilians. And über-sexy model-types with nothing to hide, so yeah, Brazilians.

Best for: Lying out in the sun and burning to a crisp, but it’s essentially a declaration to every other scantily-clad woman in the vicinity that you think you’re the hottest chick within a five-mile radius.

Maillot with cutouts

Perfect for: Events that require you to be in swimwear-inspired attire, because you’re going to look absolutely fabulous, dahling. People who go to the beach to see and be seen, but have no intention of getting a tan.

Frequently worn by: The high-maintenance lady; usually comes with a matching flowy cover-up and a margarita glass that is never, ever empty.

Best for: Lounging at the resort bar. Let’s face it, you won’t be swimming any time soon, and the tan lines you’re likely to end up with are going to be absolutely ridiculous.

Tankini

Perfect for: Nothing, really. Why don’t you just wear

a T-shirt to the beach?

Frequently worn by: People who aren’t comfortable wearing actual bikinis but still want to be able to say they’re wearing a two-piece to the beach. Can we please point you in the direction of some very nice, very stylish maillots? FYI, the right one-piece suit can be fabulous.

Best: Buried deep within your closet.