The unofficial Philippines election awards

MANILA, Philippines - Campaign seasons are expected to be messy and annoying. Campaign jingles become our alarm clock and horribly Photoshopped banners become the decoration in the streets. With all of that happening plus the terrible summer heat, it seems like no one is really #winning this season.    

But, alas, Filipinos like looking at the bright side. That’s the only thing that’s saving this country from imploding. Despite having a questionable list of candidates running for office, we always find a way to keep ourselves entertained. It’s like the Hunger Games but with a little bit less killing.

Just like every game show, someone will walk out victorious this season. From accidental meme stars to sons of politicians we definitely don’t mind meeting on Tinder, here are the winners and losers of the 2016 elections.

Winner: Impersonators around the world

Loser: Heart Evangelista

Let me guess, you also didn’t expect Chiz Escudro to sound the way he did. I’m sure he has great plans for the country, but it’s hard to concentrate on what he’s saying because of his accent. Some say he sounds like an alien, some say he sounds like a defective poet. In any case, we applaud the guy –– and Heart –– for embracing the Internet memes. We just can’t help but wonder: did he use the same voice to lure Heart? If yes, we definitely want a reality show a la Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

Winner: Miriam Defensor Santiago’s secret pills

Loser: Miriam Defensor Santiago for President

If there’s anything we’re more skeptical than Miriam Defensor Santiago’s decision to have Senator Ferdinand “Bong-Bong” Marcos Jr. as her running mate for the upcoming elections, it’s her health and well-being. The presidential candidate has been open to the public about being diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer and undergoing clinical trials for new cancer treatments. Although she reassures her supporters that she’s “back to normal” because of the “secret pill,” her performance (and absence) during the debates seemed to say otherwise. While some say that her strong appeal to the youth is accredited to her witty jokes and pickup lines, others argue that it’s her idealism that resonates with the younger generation, specifically those still in college. But these days, however, all we ever really think about in relation to MDS is if the secret pill really is working and if she will legalize medical marijuana.

Winner: Paolo Roxas

Loser: Mar Roxas

No one likes a pushover. DILG Secretary Mar Roxas may have the best job reference (the incumbent president of the Philippines, nonetheless) but he will not be put into office unless he gets the trust of the voters. The past few months of campaigning have been a series of other presidentiables provoking Roxas and him falling for the bait. And when you have bad PR headlines overshadowing concrete plans and strong qualities developed by years in service, it’s pretty much hard to get off on the right foot with most people. Unless, of course you have a son like Paolo Roxas — well-versed, socially and politically active, dancing, and book-reading economics student in Yale University. The 22-year-old might have just caught the tail-end of the campaign season but he has already won over a lot of people by engaging with pocket conversations, paying house-to-house calls and always standing by his father. (His warm personality and good stature helps too but who’s counting?) Now if only the presidentiable was just as charming as his son…

Winner: Alma Moreno, the Internet meme

Loser: Alma Moreno, the “Senator”

Did you know that Alma Moreno used to be the “Sex Goddess of Philippine Movies?” It’s hard to imagine the dancing Alma Moreno floating around the webspace as a sex goddess, but here we are. Combine that with her television guesting with Karen Davila, we guess it’s safe to say that she hasn’t done a great job at establishing herself as a respectable politician. If ever the showbiz world doesn’t welcome her back, she should consider a career making gifs for Buzzfeed or managing the memes in a subreddit. 

Winner: Vice Presidential Debate and CNN

Loser: Presidential Debate

For the first time since 1992, the Commission on Elections (Comelec) organized a series of debates for the presidential and vice presidential candidates for the upcoming elections. It had good intentions to begin with, but as it continued, we realized that the discourse was no better than Facebook comment sections where bigotry and bullying ruled. We hoped for the presidential aspirants to talk about important issues such as the Bangsamoro Basic Law (BBL), Coco Levy Trust Fund bill and Freedom of Information bill. Instead they went all out to personally attack each other. But before we were completely convinced that we are all screwed after the elections, the vice presidential debate took place and it was hosted by CNN. The claims were substantiated and relevant, the mudslinging was intentionally avoided, and the participants were aggressive about getting clearer answers. In an ideal Philippines, we would have electoral and political discourses that would benefit both the people and the government, but it looks like we still have a long way to go. Look on the bright side: just imagine if CNN’s Pia Honteveros and Pinky Webb also facilitated the congressional hearings.  Now that’s something to be hopeful for.

Winner: Karen Davila

Loser: The youths who believe Duterte was right

In the last presidential elections, Karen Davila asked Mayor Duterte if he thinks that he’s a good role model for the youth. To the surprise of many, he answered with a resounding yes. Of course, Karen reacted the way most of us did: she did a double-take and (probably) internally rolled her eyes. We applaud Karen Davila for letting all her emotions out. We get you, girl. We just feel bad for the kids who actually admire Duterte. Is misogyny, machismo, lying and indecisiveness the new cool? Cause if it is, then we’re definitely out of here.

Winner: Catchy campaign materials

Loser: Election polls and surveys

The Philippines has had typhoons, Christmases and insanely hot summers, but nothing is crazier than election season. From viral memes to catchy jingles to well-produced TV commercials to shady slogans, these campaign materials have successfully done its job of making sure the candidates make a lasting impression on the public. It doesn’t even matter whether or not it translated into actual votes; we’re so here for the entertainment. But perhaps the biggest troll of it all is the pre-election polling. People react differently to the results (like joining the bandwagon, being motivated by the under dog, falling complacent) but there’s no denying how influential these surveys are. And while the manipulation isn’t surprising anymore, it recently became disgustingly blatant (see: inconsistent results from different organizations).