Sorry not sorry

Nobody enjoys making an apology. Admitting that you slipped up isn’t easy and at times can be far from straightforward, leaving an even bigger mess in its wake. And yet, almost every week, a famous person — most often someone involved in film, television or politics — is in the news for something he or she said or did that was deemed offensive to either the public in general or to a specific group or person.

This week, actor Johnny Depp and his wife Amber Heard issued a weirdly somber — bordering on comical — statement for failing to declare their two Yorkshire terriers properly while entering Australia last year. In the video released by the Australian government, Heard says that she was “truly sorry that Pistol and Boo were not declared. Protecting Australia is important.” A poker-faced Depp stated, “Declare everything when you enter Australia.” The dogs’ presence in the country was discovered when a picture of the canines at a pet groomer was posted on social media. 

Heard, who has appeared in films such as Pineapple Express and The Rum Diary, pleaded guilty to knowingly producing a false or misleading document. The actress said she was “distracted” when filling out the immigration forms upon her arrival, but was spared a conviction over the dog-smuggling saga by an Australian court. The 29-year-old’s assistant was responsible for the dogs’ travel arrangements and was dismissed after the incident. Depp was not charged but chose to accompany his wife.

Considerable Interest

While it appears that everything has been settled, the couple’s bizarre, stilted video apology has sparked considerable interest both online and off. Since it looked as though Depp and Heard were being fed their lines, Sydney-based YouTube comedian Natalie Tran took the idea further. Tran spoofed the video, turning it into a hostage situation with the Pirates of the Caribbean actor and his wife seemingly talking to the camera at gunpoint.

The Late Show’s Stephen Colbert parodied Depp’s somber demeanor, too. In his version he, as the 52-year-old star, is seen sitting next to a woman pretending to be Heard. The two then apologize for failing to declare their dogs, adding “Nor did we declare my colony of parakeets, whom I rightfully call the Funky Bunch, nor my two 500-pound feral hogs, Niles and Frasier.” In line with Tran’s take on the matter, Colbert Photoshopped two gun-toting kangaroos holding Depp and Heard hostage as they made the video.

Jimmy Kimmel also addressed the awkward apology video on his talk show. As the comedian found the clip “uncomfortable to watch,” he decided to make it “better” by playing half of the video through a Snapchat filter, playfully distorting Depp’s and Heard’s faces.

Australian agriculture minister Barnaby Joyce, the politician who threatened to euthanize the celebrity couple’s dogs last year, has likewise made fun of the video, saying Depp looked like he was auditioning for The Godfather. “Do it again Johnny, do it with gusto, mate, a little gusto,” teased Joyce.

Levels Of Remorse

Considering the two are professional actors, one would assume that both Depp and Heard would turn in a convincing performance even for a video on Australian biosecurity. But the couple seemed quite displeased that they had to fulfill this part of the plea deal, which in turn makes their apology disingenuous. 

The level of remorse on the part of the celebrities is debatable, and the video apology could have been more convincing had it stood alone, and not been tacked onto the greater issue of Australian biosecurity. The latter could have been tackled in a separate video, which the Australian government could then better use as an educational tool promoting biosecurity laws as is the plan.

After all, an apology is neither a preface nor an addendum. It must be the central point of someone’s statement and never diluted with any other topic. In Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s case, it’s highly unlikely that they’ll reshoot their video to make it more persuasive, so the world will have to take their act of contrition as it is, a surreal part of a non-apology apology and Depp’s weirdest performance yet.