What to do when you hurt other people's feelings?

CEBU, Philippines - Elizabeth realizes that she has hurt several the feelings people, some of them her friends. She has said something insensitive to about one friend to another friend, and to another. She thinks that all of them – from the friend she gossiped about and all those other friends she gossiped to – would have disliked her because of what she did. She feels really guilty. What should she do?

No one’s perfect. We all mess up now and then and wish we could hit some magical “undo” key. It can help a little bit to remember that most people have been in the same situation that Elizabeth is in. What makes the difference is what to do next.

Use the power of a sincere apology. Apologies can go a long way toward healing hurt or angry feelings. It takes courage to step up and admit what you did was wrong.

Try saying: “What I said the other day was really insensitive of me. I shouldn’t have said that. It wasn’t fair. I was being judgmental and gossipy – and I feel ashamed of that. I messed up. And I just want to say I’m sorry.”

The important thing about an apology is sincerity. When we apologize, we need to do so because we feel genuinely sorry about how hurt another person may be. An apology shouldn’t be a way to protect our own image or be liked. If an apology is more about ourselves and how we can benefit, it might not seem true.

Another element of a sincere apology is the intention to change. Let the person know you’re not going to let it happen again. You could tell your friends, “I’m going to be more aware of what I think and say about people in the future. I’ll make an effort to be kinder and more positive about people, and not to talk behind their backs – especially when they’re my friends.”

Apologizing in person is best. But if you can’t bring yourself to have a conversation in person, write a note. Whichever way you decide to communicate, be sure that you’d feel comfortable if anything you say is shared with other friends, too.

Hopefully, your friends can accept your apology. But don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t happen instantly. Some people are quick to forgive. Others may have to think about what you said and need time to get over hurt feelings or anger, or to rebuild trust. Do your best with the part that’s up to you. The rest is up to them.

Forgive yourself, too. We can learn from our mistakes. Focus on mending the situation, not replaying it over and over in your head. Being too self-critical can’t help you. Neither can wishing the situation away, thinking about what you said over and over, or dwelling on what you could have said instead. Move forward. Focus your energies on trying to make things right and working on your good intentions. (www.kidshealth.org)