‘Love you, love me’

Before Valentine’s Day, my AC batch mate and friend Martha Orosa Uy invited me to a forum organized by an all women’s group called B.I.G. (which stands for Build, Inspire and Give.) The topic was timely: “Love you, love me.”

The first speaker was Menchu Henson, who shared her love for her adopted daughter through thick and thin. The next speaker was Michelle Aventajado, who spoke about the special grace that having a special child bestows on a mother (see People, Feb. 16). And last but not the least, was Pastor Joby Soriano of CCF Alabang, who spoke about the ties that bind a marriage.

The forum was held at the breezy lawn of Martha’s beautiful home, which she lovingly designed herself. Martha is married to Nori Uy, and I know he adores her because during her golden birthday (oops!) he asked her batch mates to contribute a story and an anecdote about Martha that he compiled for her as a birthday present.

Martha began the forum by sharing the love that she and Nori share — which, despite 28 years of marriage and grown-up children, is still filled with kilig moments fit for a romcom.

Martha says she keeps three notes in her wallet — all written by Nori during a business trip many years ago to Boracay without her. He wrote the three notes in three separate sheets of the hotel’s stationery. Now read this with a box of Kleenex beside you!

Time

I had some time to think in Boracay and realized;

Life is short, and we are on borrowed time.

If I were on a terminal illness, would I still be complaining about the little mistakes?

Would I not love you better?

Would I not cherish you more than life itself?

Would I not live life to the fullest?

Together

My being alone allowed me to think about how much I missed you during the day and sleeping at night.

My habit was to hug you and appreciate you as we retire for the night.

That is so significant because we close the day in each other’s arms and we wake up in each other’s love.

I love you!

True

I walked around Bora this morning and saw many people walking alone or with someone. I realized I had a special someone to love and care for.

I appreciate your steady and consistent love for me, despite and in spite of my shortcomings.

I thank God for sending me someone who can love me and is willing to love me at any cost.

I love you!

* * *

Pastor Joby Soriano, son of the late actor Nestor de Villa and uncle of director Paul Soriano, was the final speaker at the forum. He shared from the depths of experience, and the breadth of his faith, three pillars of a happy and blessed marriage.

“Marriage is meant to be enjoyed not endured,” he declared.

According to Joby, the first pillar of a union that can withstand the test of time and temptations and human frailties is commitment.

“Marriage is an unconditional commitment. Love is a choice, it is a decision — it is an act of your will,” he stressed.

Therefore, he added, the commitment is not anchored on just feelings.

“The problem with feelings is that when you fight with your spouse you may not feel like you love each other anymore,” he explains. “Don’t base your love on your feelings!”

“Love is a commitment we make through our mind and will — not our heart. When times come that you don’t feel like loving your spouse, don’t let your feelings dictate your actions. If we wait for our feelings to move us, we may never move. Decide to act out what is right — motion before emotion. You will always be pleasantly surprised that our emotions will then slowly change for the better. Love is not give and take. That’s 50-50. Love is 100 percent giving regardless of what we receive.”

Joby believes that spouses must commit to love each other no matter what happens in their lives. “Commit to each other that  — separation is not an option.”

* * *

The second pillar is communication.

“Words have the power to build up or tear down. Do we oftentimes take our TONE for granted? This is a major part of communicating. Think of the words you will say especially when you are emotionally affected before you say them. Words are devastating and somehow stay in our hearts for a long time. Try to communicate with love.”

He reminds spouses not to “put down, criticize, or disapprove your spouse’s ideas, comments or suggestions because they will start to withdraw and keep quiet because they don’t like being contradicted all the time.” I guess this is even more true when you criticize your partner in front of other people.

* * *

The third pillar is forgiveness.

Two imperfect people are bound to disagree and sometimes be displeasing in the other’s eyes. Hence the importance of forgiveness.

“Let’s face it, when two imperfect people live together there is bound to be conflict. You should never just tolerate one another because bitterness will grow in your heart. You must reach out and forgive one another from your heart.”

Joby believes that “forgiveness is the oil that keeps your love in marriage flowing.”

Joby says that all these tips to a blessed union will not be effective if two people rely only on themselves to build a marriage.

“I need to be honest with you, none of us have the ability, will power or personal resolve to be able to fulfill these three keys of marriage on our own. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase — It takes two to tango. Well, Joby says, ‘It takes three to be married’.”

Joby says the third being in a happy marriage is God.

“We need God for us to remain committed to our spouse in the midst of all the temptations of this world. We need God for us to communicate words of life instead of words of death. We need God for us to forgive one another of our failures.”

* * *

At the end of the day, loving others — your spouse, your child — is actually loving oneself, even if that’s not the reason you give love to others. As Martha points out, “As we celebrate ‘love,’ we’d like to share the message that — in loving you, when I love well, it is an expression of loving me.”

(For inquiries about B.I.G. and its monthly forum, check out its Facebook group page.)

(You may e-mail me at [email protected].)