Negotiating with Kids

CEBU, Philippines — It’s not uncommon to parents that their children often ask for things. Sometimes the thing being asked for or demanded is reasonable and affordable. And so the answer is an easy ‘yes’.

But there are times when the parental response to the kids’ requests for things has to be a ‘no’. It’s either the requested thing is not necessary or it is just beyond the family’s means. In this case, a negative answer has to be delivered carefully and properly.

How parents respond to their children’s requests teaches the kids about good communication, respect and compromise. It’s important for parents to respond constructively, even if the response is in the negative.

Children ask for things all the time. For example: “Can I have a cell phone like my sister’s?” “Can I invite my classmate home?” “Can I stay at home by myself while you take the dog to the vet?” “Can I have some money for going out with my friends?” “Will you buy me a new pair of sports shoes?”

Some requests are easy to handle, especially if the answer is in the affirmative. Other requests are more difficult. For example, you may need some help in taking the dog to the vet, or there may just be no money for a new cell phone or sports shoes.

No matter what answer they plan to give, it’s important that parents take the time to respond constructively to the kids’ requests. This lets parents reinforce the times when their children use words to ask for things, communicate respectfully and handle their (the kids’) emotions appropriately. And it is good for the social and emotional development of the kids.

The website http://raisingchildren.net.au shares steps that can be helpful for parents when their children ask for things, regardless of whether the parents plan to say ‘yes’, ‘no’ or ‘maybe’:

1. Base your first response on how your kids ask.

If your child asks politely, praise your child for having good manners. This sends the message that you’ll always pay attention when your child uses good manners – even if you don’t always say ‘yes’. If your child pesters, whines, demands or threatens, let your child know you need to hear some good manners. For example, you could say, “Mary, stop whining. Use your calm voice” or “Can you ask me in a nicer way, please?”

2. Listen.

After you’ve praised your child for asking politely, take a moment to understand what your child is asking for. Show that you’ve heard and understood – that way, your child will be much more likely to accept your answer. It can also help to show some empathy, even if you don’t plan to say ‘yes’. For example, “Oh, I can see why you would love that. How cool…”

3. Pause and decide. 

A brief pause gives you a chance to think about the request. It also sends your child the message that you’re putting some thought into it. Ask yourself silently, “Do I need to say no, or can I say yes? If it’s not a yes, can I negotiate?”

Often, you’ll be able to say ‘yes’. At other times, you might be able to negotiate with your child and come up with a solution you can both accept. Either way, consistent and fair responses from you will help your child learn the best way to ask for things.

What about when you need to say ‘no’? Saying ‘no’ can be hard – after all, you want to make your child happy. But sometimes children can’t have what they want. Here’s how to make ‘no’ work for you:

Give your reason first. If you’ve decided to say no, give your reasons first. This will help your child understand your decision. For example, “We don’t have the money for a new cell phone now. We’ll save money for that.” But be prepared that if children are feeling disappointed by the ‘no’, they might not take in the reason behind it.

‘No’ means ‘no’, not maybe. If you say ‘no’ then give in, children are likely to pester even harder next time, hoping to get lucky again.

Stick with your decision. If you change your mind, your child will learn that your ‘no’ isn’t final and that it’s worth arguing with you. And if you give in when your child is misbehaving, she’ll learn that this is a way to get what she wants.

Offer something else. If you can, offer something else. For example, “I can’t buy you this pair of shoes because it’s too expensive. But we could go to the supermarket now and then make our own snack at home.”

Give your child constructive feedback. If your child accepts ‘no’ for an answer, give lots of praise. For example, “I really liked the way you just said okay when I said no.” Or “It was great how we worked it out together.” Or “I really appreciate how you understand our situation.”

Being able to take ‘no’ for an answer is an important social and emotional skill. It is part of helping children learn how to handle disappointment. Saying ‘no’ to your child also shows him when and how to be assertive.

One of the best ways to help children learn how to cope with being told ‘no’ is not to say it too much. When parents keep ‘no’ for decisions that really matter, their children will take it more seriously – and the young ones will likely understand.