Citizen Kan

I woke up Thursday to discover that I belong to China.  Apparently, some enthusiastic news anchor from China Central Television has proclaimed that the Republic of the Philippines is part of Chinese territory, and “that is an indisputable fact.” (Of course, since that was said in Chinese, I am relying on Agence France Press to deliver an accurate translation.)

There are both good and bad things about belonging to China, I suppose.  One good point is I would become part of a nation that owns much of US debt.   So nice to finally be from a country that has muscle. A lot of it.

Speaking about muscle, coming from a country with zero gold medals (ever!) in the Olympics, we would suddenly zoom to the top of the medal rankings.  Our volleybelles would spurt to six-foot eight, and our runners would finally clip the ten second barrier.

While corruption is endemic in both countries, at least the Chinese puts to death their government officials. (I refer to those who are caught with their hands in the cookie jar, as opposed to those with iron-clad alibis, which seems to still be giving good cover despite the queer circumstance that their grandchildren are all in Harvard.)  It would be nice to finally see those Philippine parasites exterminated.

Remember how some Filipino-Chinese families refuse to let their children marry Filipinos who aren’t of Chinese ethnicity?  I wonder if those strict purist parents will still object once we’ve all been swallowed up by mother China.  Star crossed lovers can now marry, since they would then  officially carry the same passport.  Unless the discriminatory palate of the parents becomes more refined, and they now insist on “Chinese men from Shanghai who can speak both Mandarin and Shanghainese” only: no brown skinned men whose names cross refer to Catholic saints!  Must be from the mainland!   Not the island!

That might lead to interesting questions about how the mainlanders will look on the islanders, even if they’re Chinese speaking.  Will the same distinctions between those who were born in the motherland and those who weren’t, surface? Much like when we were under Spanish rule, and peninsulares (born in the Iberian peninsula) were deemed superior to the insulares?

Woe unto me, with only 3/8 Chinese blood.  And non-chinese speaking, at that. Will I be marginalized and forced to live in a ghetto of non-Chinese speaking citizens?  We’ll be the backbone of Pinoytown!

But what will happen to Chinatown?  You can’t have a Chinatown in the middle of China, that would be an oxymoron.  I guess that oasis of Chinese culture will be swallowed up by the mainstream, and new pockets of ‘native’ culture will result.  There will reside the dissidents and the prostitutes, as well as the expatriates and the ingrates.  Most probably, all the homosexuals too.

That’s where I will be exiled.  Me and the rest of the patriots who opposed Chinese claims of sovereignty over the Scarborough shoals.  Darn it, China, why don’t you pick someone your own size?