Of friends, acquaintances and 'partners in crime'

When my wife and I were just getting to know each other, we immediately noticed differences in our application of the English language, and certain concepts we normally take for granted.

Where I used the word “trunk” and “hood” for the car, Karen would use boot and bonnet. Umbrella would be “brolly”, hot chocolate would be “toddy” (spiked with alcohol), an elevator was the lift and gasoline would be “petrol”. The Catholic met the Agnostic and thank God they became “born-again”.

Beyond the terms, Karen brought in observations that have, from time to time, forced me to redefine my understanding and approach to what was familiar.

On one occasion, Karen asked if someone I introduced to her was really a friend or a mere acquaintance. She even went to the extent of pointing out that in European culture, they do not carelessly or casually go about using or connecting the words “my friend” when introducing someone to others.

The title “my friend” is one that must be based on accurate definition, history, and accountability.

While Filipinos casually give away the honor and the title in the same way we habitually make strangers into relatives by crowning them as aunts and uncles or Tito and Tita, other cultures are more exacting about such terms and titles.

In other cultures, the word friend is based on a long-standing relationship with someone who shares and respects each other’s individuality as well as shared values, beliefs and experiences. But knowing someone a long time does not immediately qualify one for the title of friend.

A friend is a person you have shared burdens with as well as shared pain. A friend is a giver and a taker of good and the not so good. A friend is someone who is willing to be accountable, but also authorized to make us accountable for our conduct or behavior.

Biblically there is the friend that is closer than a brother or a sister.

Unlike Europeans, Americans tend to be more relaxed about the term “friend”, but if you were to observe their use of language it soon becomes apparent that their informal terms like “my buddy”, “associate”, partner” as against the more specific or particular “my good friend” or “my best friend”, reveals that even Americans qualify or differentiate between acquaintances and real friends.

 I wonder if it’s a consequence of maturity or merely waking up to the fact that sometimes we have to define our territory and our boundaries. In a nation and culture where we are raised to fit in and abide by the norms, you sometimes come to realize that some practices are wrong and can be damaging because others take advantage.

I realized that this happens because we don’t have a proper or correct definition of relationships. We are not specific or particular about who and what a “friend” is. Often we confuse friendship for something that is actually a business relationship. A prostitute can get very intimate with a client, but it’s not friendship.

Unfortunately we often feel raped when a person abuses our kindness and trashes all the goodness and kindness we showed them. That again is our mistake. Our culture has inculcated us with a false expectation that if you're nice, Santa will bring you lots of Christmas presents. Not everybody is as nice as you and not everybody wants to be a real “friend” like you.

The Lord taught us to love others as you love yourself. If you’re smart you should also watch and listen how someone talks about, and treats others because sooner or later that person in front of you will be doing it to you.

I remember a Texas cockfighter who blew into town, met a foreign artist and started dating her. The woman was obviously miserably married that she declared her intent to divorce her husband and go off to Texas to raise chickens!

When I asked the Texan what he taught of it, he immediately blew her away and causally told me: “If she can do that to her husband, she can do it to me!” We are all guilty or fallen in some manner, but it would be pretty stupid to hang around people who will ultimately do to you what they regularly do to others.

I actually reflected on whether or not avoiding and ignoring such people was unchristian, since we are supposed to love others. Well if you are brave enough to open your Bible to the book of Proverbs, you will find many verses telling you to avoid the mocker, the troublemaker, the fool and the wicked.

So if a person does nothing but bitch, cheat, trash talk, and cause trouble, consider yourself warned. Exposure can be dangerous to your health!

One thing that we seriously need to stop is the practice of extending our bloodline so thin, our children can no longer tell who their real relatives are! After meeting so many uncles and aunts, my wife started asking exactly how many brothers and sisters did my parents have separately?

Why must we go on introducing people who are not even deep to the bone friends as the instant Tito and Tita to our children? In the past it may have been an expression of honor and affection for the strangers who just entered our home, but after all the psychological evidence we have gathered, we ought to know better!

In giving honor and title to non blood relatives, we eventually diminished the purpose and importance of the aunt and uncle. On the opposite, we carelessly subjugated our children and extended our parental authority to “strangers”.