32 feels much better than 30 or 31

I am 32 today. It feels much better than 30 or 31. It feels like a lifetime away from 23. It struck me that it’s a very important passage in my life because as the Pinoy sayings goes "Wala na ’ko sa kalendaryo."

Yes, I do feel like a woman. I have loved and lost, enough times to no longer dare to jump in again head first without checking how deep the water is, and yet I’m not damaged to the point of being afraid to eventually wade in again, and check out the water’s temperature and let it refreshingly caress my toes.

I still believe in the healing power of love. And at long last, I’ve come to understand the simple wisdom in Alice Walker’s quotation, "I have learned not to worry about love; but to honor its coming with all my heart." I just read this in the February issue of Oprah’s O magazine, and it spoke volumes to me. For the longest time, I worried if love would ever come my way again. Why was lasting love proving to be so elusive? When I loved, I worried if it would last, and if our love was strong enough to withstand all trials and temptations. I worried about the future that would come from the union based on that promise of love.

And now, I may still worry, but the worries no longer rule my life and my decisions. When it is love, and when it has come into my life, then I will honor it with nurturing trust and compassionate wisdom. Love may come tomorrow. Or it may be here, right now, today. The difference is I no longer fear love and loving, I’m now ready to simply treasure the gift of loving and being loved.

I feel like a woman because I recognize and I celebrate that as magical as romantic love may be, nothing compares to the love I’ve been given, on a day-to-day basis, by my mom and my son. They love me unconditionally, and their love knows no boundaries.

My mom never gave up on loving me even when I was difficult to love. She encouraged my aspirations, and she has always been vocal in the maternal pride she feels from my accomplishments. And yet, she makes sure that I stay humble and grateful for all the privileges that my work brings. I keep in my heart her words, "To whom much is given, much is expected in return." And I know that it is part of my destiny to one day actively give back, whether in public service or through a charitable organization, to all those people whose patronage made my dreams a reality. That is what my mom prays for me to be able to do, to give meaning and substance to the celebrity I’ve been blessed with. In time, I know that it will come to pass.

Nothing can inspire more than a hug, a kiss or an "I love you, Mama" from Josh. He is proof of all that is good in my life. He is love personified. He makes today more special, and he makes tomorrow more meaningful. He makes me look forward to what lies ahead. Just the other day, when we were holding hands in the car, he said, "Mama, mag best friends tayo." Wow, those words made my heart sing!

I feel like a woman because I know that I’ve worked very hard to get to where I am, professionally, and I now harvest the fruits of my efforts. It took living life, and opening up my heart’s experiences to be an effective actress. It takes focused discipline to be an effective and affecting host. I know my worth and yet, I recognize the need to constantly evolve. I also know that although the public may be fickle, when you’re good, with the right work attitude and with a healthy respect for the contribution of all your mentors and co-workers, there will always be a place in the sun for you. Just accept and be prepared for the reality that there may be times that your light may be a bit dimmed, but soon enough the radiance of the light will shine on you again.

I feel like a woman because I have grown-up friendships. These friendships are valuable because they are based on trust, mutual respect and unquestioned love. We’ve laughed and cried enough times together to already have a deep, shared history.

I have my manager Deo (Endrinal) who proved his love and loyalty when it was time to do battle for me, both personally and professionally. He is a friend because he has never been afraid to expose me to the truth, and yet I know that if it’s ever too hard to bear, he’ll hold my hand and lend me his strength.

I have Gia and Louie, work friends in ABS-CBN. We share our frustrations, the day-to-day challenges, and the highs that come from our triumphs. Professionally, we’ve matured together. More than that, we have learned to support each other unconditionally in all matters.

I have my best cousin Rina, the friend I shared my childhood with and grew up together with, the one most ready to say without any hesitation, "Who will try to understand you best, but me?" The one who will always know me inside out, and never begrudge what I’ve attained.

I have Zsa Zsa (Padilla), the mature friend who helps guide me and never tires listening to me, and who inspires me through her example, to be a more compassionate person. She had stood by me through the worst of times. And yet, we both remind each other constantly about our reserve of inner strength that comes from being survivors who are able to let go of bitterness in our hearts.

I have Boy (Abunda), the brother who will shield me from harm, who always generously shares his insight, who pampers me with his thoughtfulness, and who helps me see and laugh at the ironies of life. Boy has been around long enough to help me see the wisdom in not taking myself too seriously.

I feel like a woman because life hasn’t always been perfect. I’ve stumbled and tumbled, but I’ve picked myself up. And I celebrate that it has been a good life. I thank God for His goodness, His infinite graces, and His steadfast faith in me.

I feel like a woman because there’s so much more living to do. I’m less insecure about who I was, because I’m liking what I’m turning out to be. I’m no longer threatened by changes, because I know now that it is inevitable and most of the time they’ve turned out to be positive. I know that although I’ve been through a lot and survived a lot, there’s so much more to see, to do, to feel and to share. This may not be the beginning, a part of me still misses experiencing what is new, this may actually be my midlife years. Seriously, I like this point of the journey. I like growing up – because life can only get better!