It’s all in the mind

Batty, bratty and simply crazy. These are some of the adjectives appended to people with mental-health issues. At the Ateneo where I taught full-time for 20 years, one of the things I suggested to the assistant dean for student affairs was a helpline – a hotline where anonymous students can pour out their feelings and thoughts without being judged. It was later on taken up by the university and has become part of its student services.

It is in this healing light that we have to commend my dear friend, Eugenio “Boy” Abunda. He always tells his viewers of Tonight with Boy Abunda to “be kind.” I’ve known Boy since 1997, when he covered the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Pride March in Malate and donated to our fund-raising. These are not shallow showbiz words. They are words that come from within, what the Irish poet William Butler Yeats called ‘the heart’s deep core.”

He also started the Boy R. Abunda Talk Series (BRATS) “to break the silence [that surrounds mental-health issues]. BRATS wants to break that wall. It’s time to tell that mental health needs to be addressed so that no one would suffer silently in the dark.”

Indeed, depression is a mental health condition – something that is a complex of many reasons both known and unknown, physical and chemical and mental, but something that comes with possibly fatal consequences. It was the subject of discussion during the second round of BRATS held recently. How did this topic come about?

Boy said: “Sometime ago, I got a text message from my friend, [the actress] Bela Padilla. This was around the time when famous fashion designer Kate Spade was reported to be dead and then followed by the celebrity chef and author Anthony Bourdain. Both committed suicide. Bela said, ‘Tito Boy, we have to do something. We have to talk about mental-health issues.’ And I said, ‘I don’t know what to do but I will hear you out.’ A few weeks before that, a friend had died by suicide. Two children of our friend also died by suicide. It was not a story you read on the papers and it was not a story you watched on TV.”

Thus was BRATS born. Aside from Bela, other people came out of the shadows to talk about depression. They included 2016 Miss International Kylie Versoza, motivational speaker Quennie Maravillas, former varsity player Nykko Bautista, and another prize-winning actress, Jasmine Curtis-Smith. They all shared their stories colored gray, or blue, or even stark black.

Boy narrated that “Kylie was diagnosed as clinically depressed four years ago. She revealed that she felt ‘I am ugly. I’m stupid. I’m worthless. I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not pretty enough.’ These were the things I kept on telling myself over and over again four years ago when I was diagnosed as clinically depressed. But they expect you to be perfect and they asked, ‘Why? You come from a good family. You have good friends, you come from a good school, and you are in a good relationship.’ But deep down inside, I was lost, I was broken and truth be told, I was ‘dead.’” 

Kylie was in denial when she was diagnosed as clinically depressed. She was ashamed to talk about it because people expect her to be “perfect.” For those suffering from depression, Kylie advised them not to be afraid to speak the truth and don’t be shy to speak to a loved one. “Listen and be there for them,’ she stressed. She also has a good support system around her. She went the natural way through exercise, yoga, and being around people who are ready to listen.

Twenty-four-year-old Nykko had a similar story. He was diagnosed with depression. Ironically, he is a medical student who leads an active life. His condition began two years ago, when his confirmed when he couldn’t sleep well and had difficulty functioning.

“I thought it was normal,” he said. “Then, it started getting downhill, everything was so confusing. I’m not enjoying anything. I usually go out, watch movies and eat out with friends but nothing, I didn’t feel any pleasure any more. I started taking sleeping pills to sleep better but they didn’t help. I don’t see my purpose in life anymore.”

Nykko was thinking of committing suicide but had a change of heart. “I got scared. I was thinking what will happen to my family if I die because I know there are people who care about me. I remembered one quote that said suicide will never be the answer. It does not end your pain. It will only transfer your pain to someone else. And I don’t want my parents to suffer from pain.”

No one knows that Quennie has already attempted to commit suicide five times. She has her scars. People think she is strong because she speaks about positivity in life, since she is a motivational speaker. But she suffered from depression. How? She wanted to become a teacher but she lost it. She wanted to become a politician and again, she lost it. She wanted to be with someone but failed. She lost everything that she wanted. Her twin brother was clueless because all along he thought his sister is happy. But Queenie knew she had to be strong. She has to keep on living “and with God’s grace, I am still here until this day.”

Who would’ve thought Jasmine and Bela, too, also suffer from depression? Bela said she is easily affected by the characters she portrays and finds it difficult to detach herself from them. In one of her TV roles, her husband was killed, her son died, she was raped and eventually she also died. It took her long before she completely saw that it was just a role and nothing bad happened to her in reality.

Jasmine, on the other hand, said her condition started during her younger years with her experiences as a kid. “I wasn’t able to talk about it to people who could’ve enlightened me. Sometimes, you just need someone to listen and accept you without judgment.” This Ateneo graduate also vividly compared depression to a black dog that seemed out of control. 

Jasmine continued, “Depression is what keeps me in the past. I can’t move on and I’m still trying to solve it now. I now have something to talk to completely without filter because this was something I knew I never did with my psychiatrist. I withheld everything because I was scared, and that has kept me from progressing.”

We should not let the black dogs howl in deepest, darkest night.

Comments can be sent to [email protected].