How to ruin your relationship

Sometimes money is a problem, sometimes it's family, sometimes a person does not feel good and gets in a bad mood. There are hundreds of things to fight about.

If things get too toxic, people change relationships and then after the sweet "honeymoon period" with their newfound love, they often find there are problems again.

In reality, we are going to have problems of some sort as long as we are alive. If you have a problem, you are still alive, and therefore lucky to be here to try to deal with it!

What ‘destroys’ relationships?

Commonly, the recipe for pending disaster includes not talking about problems and avoiding difficult issues. Sometimes a person expects the other person to be a mind reader. That the other person is supposed to understand the problem without discussing it.

That's not going to work.

Not listening is another common problem. Often a person will get defensive to avoid dealing with problems in the relationship. The person protects herself/himself from criticism by using excuses or putting blame on someone else. Whether these excuses are not true or not fully true, this defending method will not save the relationship.

Attacking a partner’s character or behavior in a mean manner does not help mend the relationship. Name-calling and ridiculing will also worsen the situation.

Withdrawing from communication is okay if you need a temporary break to think things over and calm down --but let the other person know you are going to be available soon to discuss the problems.

Here are things you should do to have a healthy relationship:

•Avoid the words "always" and "never". They are seldom true in human interactions.

•Acknowledge past hurts.

•Respect your partner's perspective, that is, his or her point of view or opinion.

•Discuss what you've learned since the breakup or fight.

•Figure out how to make THIS TIME in life better.

•Get curious about both yourself and your partner's emotions.

•Create time to connect. If you have children, plan times when you can be together --like a date.

Nagging your partner will likely not change your partner --only create distance. A hug and sweet words will be more effective. Try to compliment your partner every day. Remember the many great qualities that attracted you when you met, and the great things you have shared together.

Richard Baker