It's the end of the world as we know it (and I need whiskey)

MANILA, Philippines - Ikaw yung asawa, ako yung mistress,” Jacq Yu tells me. She is clad in a red silk robe, a red bikini peeking from the folds. I pop a cube of kilawin into my mouth, happy to be in a shapeless batik “daster,” hair in pink rollers, not unlike a beleaguered housewife. It’s high noon. We are by the shore in Subic, Zambales, shooting spiels for TV5’s Lupet: The World’s Most Awesome Documentaries. These are supposed to be intros for a compendium of the most amazing disaster videos, but to the onlooker, it would seem like the latest installment of the iconic series of White Castle Whiskey commercials.

Goofing off: Lupet’s co-director Jun Sabayton teaches Jacq how to angle her head.

All the elements are there. There’s the gorgeous Jacq Yu (a legit White Castle girl), a red bikini, a beach, a horse named John Lloyd (albeit a tame one; the white horse is apparently averse to humans, no matter how sexy). This is an homage to what one would suppose was a big part of director R.A. Rivera’s youthful reveries — the White Castle Girl. Of course, if it involves R.A. and cohorts like Jun Sabayton, and Lourd de Veyra, expect something from left field. Mounted on the pony now christened Hershey Michelle, Jacq rides up behind De Veyra, casually dapper in resort/“haciendero” white. Her red silk robe is off. He is rhapsodizing about “the good life,” highball glass in hand, feet buried in the sand. They flirt. They profess love and mutual attraction. They throw cheesy lines at one another.

Remember, this is fantasy and designed to serve as a sort of relief from the various clips showing all manners of destruction, carnage and mayhem. Fever dreams that come unbidden at that point when the mind latches on to images which have made living up until that point bearable. And if that means a busty beauty in a red bikini from an ad from a bygone era, then so be it.

Don’t think for a moment, though, that this will end in typical fashion. True to zany form, Lourd’s matronly shrew of a wife (i.e., yours truly) storms onto the scene, calling him out on his “infidelity.” As art imitates life, the story ends with both smitten mistress and wife turning on him, riding off into the sunset together on poor Hershey Michelle.

Now that’s a way to go.

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Lupet: The World’s Most Amazing Documentaries airs every Saturday, 2 p.m. on TV5.