I used to love the circus as a kid. When Ringling Bros. or Barnum & Bailey would come to town, I’d be the first to beg my parents for a ticket to the big top.
That was before I actually ran away and joined the circus — that is, I moved to the Philippines and joined the traffic spectacle that greets Manila drivers on a daily basis. Yes, spills, thrills and chills are what driving in Metro Manila is all about, friends.
You’d think I would be used to it by now — the wacky funhouse mirror experience of trying to figure out what freshly minted road signs actually mean (“Road works ahead… Sorry the inconvenience…”), and where the hell did the road go all of a sudden? You’d think this seasoned circus-goer would know all about the three-ring show by now, and how your attention span is stretched about 600 different ways at any given moment on the road, just like Elastic Man.
But sadly, this circus still surprises the bejeesus out of me. It could be the annual convergence of rainy season with the (inevitably stupid) decision to commence multiple road excavation projects during the most miserable time of the year for commuters; or it could be the sudden appearance of big rig trailer trucks now hogging the roads at all hours, forcing you to renavigate at every turn. Whatever it is, it’s become clear to me that driving in Metro Manila is a circus — just not the fun, cotton-candy variety I experienced as a youth. More like a House of Horrors.
Here’s why.
• You’re surrounded by vendors. No circus is complete without a constant stream of hawkers selling popcorn, soda pop, cotton candy and pretzels up and down the aisles. Hark to Manila’s streets, and you’ll be treated to local variants — isaw, balut, boiled peanuts, prawn crackers and the occasional dashboard ornament. Step right up!
• You’re surrounded by clowns. There’s just no end in sight, from bus-driving bozos who suddenly stop right in the middle of the road to pick up a couple of fares, thus causing several near fender benders in the process, to the funny characters who ride their undersized bicycles around in swerving patterns on the road while wearing earphone buds, to the not-so-funny jokesters who text on their cell phones while steering motorcycles — sometimes with four or five people stuffed on the back, not unlike a clown car. Bonus points for not killing anybody! (Oh: the funniest clown was the one I saw recently who had a dog sitting sideways on the back of his motorcycle — not strapped in or anything, just wearing a motorcycle helmet and balancing itself. No wonder I think I’m tripping balls every time I go out on the streets.)
• The elephant parade. Who doesn’t love to see that big old lumbering troupe of circus elephants, holding on to one another’s tails with their trunks, just like in Disney’s Dumbo? On Manila’s streets, we get the adorable equivalent every single day: miles and miles and miles of semi-trailers, lined up in single lanes like it’s an elephant’s funeral. Of course, getting anywhere near these behemoths while stuck in traffic is about as advisable as stepping in a rampaging pachyderm’s path.
And if you like your elephants a little more “free range,” step right up to EDSA, where swerving, rampaging buses are always in season.
• Death-defying feats. Part of the fun of going to the circus is the imminent possibility that someone will fall off the trapeze or get their head eaten by a lion. This kind of thrill is available constantly on Manila streets. If you look around for even a few seconds, you’ll see near-death experiences at almost every intersection! All it takes is the compacted chaos of hundreds of people driving a wide variety of motor vehicles — cars, SUVs, FX buses, pedicabs, motorcycles — not to mention the weaving bicyclists and kalesas and pedestrians who are more attached to their cell phones than any healthy sense of self-preservation. If you think you’re man enough for the real circus, strap yourself in and take a ride through town. It will make your hair stand on end!
• Test your endurance. Forget about games of skill and strength, like shooting ducks in a row or swinging a hammer to ring a bell; Manila’s streets are all about stretching your patience to the physical breaking point. If you can get through this daily ordeal without going postal, you really are a strongman!
• Gawkers aplenty. Everyone knows the circus is all about morbid human curiosity. We want to see dangerous tricks undertaken for our amusement. That fire eater? Let’s see if he has asbestos lungs! That dude being shot out of the cannon? Let’s see if he makes it back to earth alive! We love to gawk, and there’s no shortage of this particular type of circus patron in Metro Manila, where every traffic incident is an excuse for each car to sloooowly crawl by the crash scene, in the hopes, maybe, of seeing a mangled bloody body lying underneath a motorcycle. Hey, everybody who gets behind the wheel here has paid for their front-row ticket already: they expect a little gory entertainment once in a while in return.
• Sideshows aplenty. Sometimes the smaller tents provide the biggest thrills at a circus. Those with decidedly more offbeat tastes can catch the local-variety freak shows, ongoing at practically every street corner or intersection you chance upon in Metro Manila. Tipping is optional.
• Some kind of ringmaster. In this case, we like to think it’s MMDA Secretary Tolentino, whose sworn duty it is to make this three-ring circus run like a well-oiled calliope. Admittedly, the ringmaster seems to be winging it a lot these days. Though of course, the job of the ringmaster is actually to provide as much diversion and entertainment as possible to all patrons of the circus. And I ask you, dear patrons: Are we not entertained?