Surviving a NUTS ‘grilling’

The Balakubak portion on Nuts Entertainment (Wednesday night on GMA 7) must be the most dreaded TV interview among most local celebrities today. Taking part in the segment is like getting wrung through Startalk, The Buzz and S-Files in one agonizing swoop and – as a final touch – is paraded across town in Tigbakan fashion.

Balakubak is handled by entertainment guru Joey de Leon, Anjo Yllana and Janno Gibbs – all in drag – and they answer to the names Cookie, Doughnut and Lollipop. (Just don’t ask me who is Cookie, Doughnut and Lollipop among them – they all look alike in women’s dresses.) In that segment, they are assisted by comedian Pekto and Belly Flory, a GMA 7 executive producer, who has found another career impersonating the legendary villainess of Philippine movies.

It’s anything goes in Balakubak. It may be fun to watch, but it’s a totally different story if you are the one on the hot seat.

I have actually appeared as guest on Nuts Entertainment many times in the past. Usually, I participate in the games – like this one time when they asked me to change the tire of a tricycle in one minute, a rather impossible feat.

But never – as it never – had I agreed to do Balakubak. For the longest time I can remember, I was able to elude the invitation. Oh, I was always polite about it (about turning it down, I mean), but firm.

A few weeks ago, however, we were on dinner break on Now Na! (the QTV 11 game show where I am a regular) when our executive producer Joshua de Guzman (who is also executive producer of Nuts Entertainment) asked me if I had already done Balakubak.

Almost inaudibly I said no and was hoping Joshua wouldn’t follow up on it. But he is very thorough as a production person (which is why he got this far in his career – he is always very efficient) and the next question he asked was "Why?"

Why? Oh, I started groping for an appropriate answer – one that would get Joshua off my back. And then I thought of one good enough alibi: the studio is far.

At least I wasn’t lying when I said that. Nuts Entertainment is staged in the GMA 7 studio called Filmex. I don’t know if it’s in Makati or Pasay. (It’s supposed to be near Cash & Carry). All that I know is that I have to leave the house two hours before call time when my taping is there.

For Joshua, however, that was a lame excuse. And so he pursued me further: Why don’t you do it this week? Day after tomorrow is the taping. I’m doing something was my quick reply. I have a dinner appointment.

I left it at that and buried my face to what I was eating – hoping Joshua wouldn’t bring the topic back again.

The day after – so that I don’t have to be lying – I quickly made a dinner appointment with whoever was available. That was easy – for as long as I was footing the bill.

On the day of the dinner, however, I suddenly got a call from the casting director of Nuts Entertainment – confirming my taping that evening for the Balakubak segment! Nuts Entertainment executive producer Joshua de Guzman obviously saw through me and knew I was just cooking up an alibi not to be in Balakubak.

But I had made dinner plans – I reasoned out. But we won’t have a guest if you don’t show up – pleaded the casting director. Apparently, they really put me on schedule and I had no choice but cancel dinner plans.

And so I braced myself for the long drive to Filmex and psyched myself up for the Balakubak portion along the way. I swear I was never that scared in my entire life. The uneasiness I felt was nothing compared to the time I was facing the American consul who would approve my immigrant visa 11 years ago. It was nothing compared to the time I was going to do bungee jumping for the first time in my life. Doing Balakubak was a major decision because it was make or break. It was either you drown in it or you survive it. But no way was I backing out of it. If I was going to do it, I thought I might as well do it now because the invitation was going to crop up again anyway.

And so it finally came. There I was facing the five of them – with Jennifer Lee and Gwen Garci also allowed to shoot questions at me. At least I felt safe with Joey de Leon. He is my kuya and I knew he would protect me. But I wasn’t sure about the rest – especially Anjo and Janno because I was afraid they’ll pull a fast one on me.

It was self-preservation at that point. I knew I had to do something if I didn’t want to be eaten up alive. And so I turned things around and took on my role as host of Startalk. I started asking them questions and began focusing on the weakness of each one. If they didn’t have any, I’d bluff my way through – and see if that was enough to rattle them.

It was a 45-minute grilling session. But half of that was me grilling them. I didn’t think they were prepared for that. When I looked at Joey, he had an approving smile. I’ve always tried to learn from him (oh, he is the best!) and I think he felt I did well. But I guess even he was unprepared when at the end I suddenly took off my shirt to shock everyone that I am capable of that.

It was almost midnight when I left Filmex – pleased with my performance in Balakubak. I never felt so good in my life and I was happy I accepted the challenge. Thanks, Joshua.

Driving back home, I was still a bit shaken – and cold (I took my shirt off, didn’t I?). I felt like I was Romy Garduce after surviving the Mt. Everest of TV interviews.