Susan Roces: Life After FPJ

Second of two parts

A few weeks ago, Susan Roces lost her grocery list which she placed inside her purse. She checked her purse again and again and the list was nowhere to be found. She was sure that she kept the list in her purse and still, she searched at every nook and cranny of the bedroom which she used to share with her late husband FPJ. Then, she gave up.

On the way out, guess what she found near the door – the missing grocery list!

"I suddenly remembered Ronnie," said Susan as she recalled her and FPJ’s memorable moments in this Part 2 of Funfare’s exclusive interview with her over the weekend durng a salu-salo with close friends at the vacation house of art patron and STAR columnist Danny Dolor in Lipa City. "He used to tell me, ‘When you lose something, don’t look for it. It will pop up even if you don’t look for it’."

One time, alone in her room, Susan noticed the fluorescent lamp blinking, turning on and off by itself. She knew that FPJ was sending her a "feeler" (paramdam) – "You know, binibiro na naman niya ako."

She and FPJ could have quietly retired and did all the things they had been planning to do but never seemed to have the time, always putting their plans off in favor of work. "If only...", Susan mused, her eyes turning misty. "I’ve learned my lesson. If you want to do something especially with your loved ones, do it now, do it soon! You’ll never know..."

Now, does Susan hold any grudge against anybody?

Read on and find out.

What’s the happiest moment you had with FPJ?

"Ronnie was full of surprises. Out of the blue, he would do things that I least expected. Like one morning, he brought home an entire orchestra. He knew that I would ask him, ‘Bakit ginabi ka?’ So I wouldn’t get mad, hayun, nagsama siya ng buong orchestra. At that time, my mom was vacationing with us. So there the orchestra was, at the sala. Ronnie fetched my mom at her room in her nightgown, pagkatapos isinayaw niya ang nanay ko sa sala."

How interesting!

"One time naman, Ronnie brought home Rico (J. Puno) to sing for me. He did that when he came home late para hindi ako magalit sa kanya."

You don’t dwell on the past, do you?

"I refuse to. What for? But of course, we love to recall especially the happy memories, don’t we?"

So anu-ano ang nabago sa buhay mo?

"I still go to bed early. I keep a very tight schedule, organizing things at home. Remember, we just came from a hectic campaign and I did (the movie) Mano Po. Ang daming ililigpit! And then, ’yung nangyari kay Ronnie. So many things keep me busy at home. Because of what happened, I don’t want to put off things that I can do today, unlike in the past when we kept on postponing things – you know, saka na lang kami magkikita ni ganyan, saka ko na lang gagawin ang ganito. I might keep putting things off and before I know it... you know. So, I’m catching up to be with friends."

Do you still wake up early?

"It depends on what I do the night before."

What’s the thing that reminds you of FPJ most intensely?

"Well, having a cup of coffee with him in the morning. That was when we reviewed what we did the day before and what we planned to do during the day."

How do you spend your early mornings now?

"Lately, there’s this cable channel, showing mostly religious shows. That channel (63) keeps me company in the morning. Sometimes, naaabutan ko ang kanilang Rosary Hour, sometimes ang 3 (a.m.) prayer nila. I feel lucky that sometimes, there are questions in my mind and when I turn on the TV set or the radio, nandoon ang mga answers. Or I hear a song that I can relate to."

What are the small things that remind you of FPJ?

"Fruits. Many other small things. Several days ago, Dolor (Guevarra, her manager) brought me from Cebu a box of small mangoes and I cried. You see, everytime Ronnie came home from Cebu, ’yung manggang ’yon ang pasalubong niya sa akin because he knew that I loved those mangoes. Different couples have different ways of showing their love for each other. In the case of Ronnie and me, we usually did it with our favorite food."

Oh, the best way is through the stomach, as they say.

"One thing very endearing that Ronnie would do, even at a party when he ate something that he thought I would like, he would ask the host, ‘Puede ba magpabalot? Gusto ko matikman ‘yan ng misis ko.’ He made me feel special in that way. It’s not the diamonds or other expensive things that we loved exchanging, it’s the small things. When he was in Antipolo, he would ask the person who did the marketing, ‘O, what’s in season?’ The marketing person would say, ‘Ano ho, magandang biya (a kind of fresh-water fish).’ Ronnie would say, ‘O, gusto ni Inday ’yan. Mag-gata ka.’ Then, he would ask somebody to deliver it to Greenhills."

You must have gained weight with all the food he was giving you.

"That’s why since Ronnie died, I’ve been losing weight. Wala na ’yung mga food-food na pinapadala niya. I prefer it that way because it’s helping my back. I have a bad back, you know. Scoliosis. When I gain weight, mahirap sa likod ko."

Doesn’t FPJ make paramdam (feeler)?

"How I wish! I’ve been looking forward to it. Pero so far, wala, eh. Wala pa."

Any regrets?

(She pauses and starts to sing, smiling, Regrets I have a few but then again too few to mention, from the song My Way by Frank Sinatra. Then, she turns serious, her voice breaking, her eyes starting to well with tears) "Oh, yes, I have lots of regrets, a lot to cry about. I was looking forward for us to retire together. All these years, we didn’t own our time. You know how it is in the movies, we are also like doctors. So you always put things off... Next time na lang, bukas na lang, saka na lang. Before you know it..."

Did politics get in the way of your personal plans?

"I was reluctant when he joined politics. But then, he said, ‘I owe it to the people. The people who made us; we owe to them what we are now, what we have now. Now that they’re asking me to serve, why won’t I give it a chance? I was reluctant because I thought, ‘Oh, my God, this is the time when we can say, ah, huwag na tayong mag-trabaho.’ We could have retired quietly, travelled together and taken things leisurely. Ang ganda-ganda sana."

It would have been a dream life.

"Also, there were so many things I wanted to tell him but I wasn’t able to. It’s usually like that. You realize it when it’s too late. That’s why the thing to remember now is, when you want to do something, do it, don’t put it off. But on the other hand, if I was a demanding wife, maybe we wouldn’t have lasted this long. If I put myself first and say, ‘Ay, huwag kang mag-syuting, huwag kang pumunta sa location,’ maybe I would have ended up regretting and blaming myself for being selfish."

What are your plans now?

"When Ronnie was around, I told him, ‘Oh, along the way I forgot myself. Like you, I also have memorabilia to mount.’ But now, I have to think more of Ronnie. I want to preserve his memorabilia to be displayed in a museum, something that will remind our grandchildren of him."

What about politics? They keep on dragging your name into politics.

"I have no plans at all about going into politics. What I’m pursuing is the electoral protest. That’s all. I’m not stupid to think that I will inherit the position because I know that it’s clearly stated in the rules that the only ones who can inherit the positions are the candidates."

If you had the chance to tell FPJ one thing, what would it have been?

"You know, I thought I would go ahead of him. Remember, my mom died at 63; I’m turning 64. In Ronnie’s bloodline, aside from the accident that claimed his father’s life (Fernando Poe, Sr. died of rabies after he let a puppy lick his wounds sustained during a shooting on a beach. – RFL), mahaba ang bloodline niya. His mom died at 80-plus, like my dad. Ronnie’s Lola died at 92. Mahahaba ang buhay nila."

You did talk about death and dying, didn’t you?

"Oh, yes, we did. I would tell him, ‘When I die...’ He didn’t want to discuss it."

If you had the chance to tell him one thing before he slipped into a coma, what would it have been? (Susan was in their farm in Batangas when FPJ suffered a massive stroke. He was in coma at the St. Luke’s Medical Center ICU when she saw him. – RFL)

"I don’t know. He was fighting for his life and all I could whisper to him was, ‘Hang on, hang on!’ You know during the wake, I kept on forgetting that Ronnie was dead. When his friends, especially those he hadn’t seen for a long time, came to the wake, I would say, ‘Oh, I’m going to tell Ronnie.’ Then, I would come back to reality and tell myself, ‘Wait, the reason why (those friends) are here is because Ronnie is dead!’ I’m still in a situation when I would whisper to him, ‘Ronnie, ang daming nagpunta sa wake mo, ang daming nagmamahal sa’yo.’ Nothing dramatic. Parang more of a small talk, like the one we did during our early mornings together. I would cry because in death, Ronnie was able to redeem himself."

Do you have any grudge against anybody?

"None. No, I don’t have any grudge at all. Ronnie wouldn’t like that. (Asked in a STAR interview how he would like to be remembered, FPJ said, "As somebody who held no grudge against anybody and against whom nobody held any grudge." – RFL) I know that whatever ill was said about and against him was all part of the game of politics. I welcome anybody who wants to make friends with me."

There’s a newspaper story that you might be attending a get-together hosted by the opposition...

"Yes, I’m attending that dinner."

You did hit back at FPJ’s critics/detractors during his wake.

"I was just being truthful. I just felt I had to speak up. Ronnie’s death made me realize one thing: Speak up, say what you feel. Or you might never be able to. Seeing him inside the coffin, I felt that I had to remove whatever heaviness was in his heart so he would have a smooth voyage."

How would you like people to remember FPJ?

"It’s not for me to say how I would like people to remember him. Your heart will know what was he to you. If he has touched your life in whatever way, I think that’s the best way to remember him. As for me, I was telling my friends, I got it all in one big blow. It feels so heavy. I lost my best friend, my partner, my husband and my lover. I lost him all at once, in an instant. Para bang bigla na lang... Para bang blown by the wind. Wala man lang pasakalye, so unlike in a movie where you have long dialogues before The End. I just said, ‘Goodbye, I’m going to Batangas.’ When I looked again, he wasn’t there. Gone. All too suddenly."

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