It’s not fair to label athletes as pea-brained or lacking in grey matter. For sure, history will show several brilliant athletes who’ve become statesmen, captains of industry and world leaders.
In the NBA alone, the list is impressive with among others, George Munroe as chief executive officer of Phelps Dodge, Bill Bradley as senator, Tom McMillen as congressman, Magic Johnson as a real estate magnate and Dave Bing as mayor of Detroit.
But you can’t help but laugh out loudly when you listen to some athletes make inane statements that reveal the limitations of their IQs.
A close friend and former La Salle classmate Jay del Prado, writing from his New Jersey home, recently sent an e-mail compiling some of the funniest comments by athletes. Here they are:
Former North Carolina State center Chuck Nevitt, a 7-5 journeyman who played for Houston, the Los Angeles Lakers, Detroit, Chicago and San Antonio in a nine-year NBA career - Explaining to varsity coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice, he said, “My sister’s expecting a baby and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” Someone reacted by saying, “I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January.” A gender test on Nevitt wouldn’t have been conclusive to determine the sex of his sister’s baby.
For Utah Jazz coach Frank Layden, exasperated by a player, said, “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He replied, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’” That’s called a double whammy.
Former North Carolina State cager Charles Shackleford who played for New Jersey, Philadelphia, Minnesota and Charlotte in six NBA seasons and admitted to receiving $65,000 for “fixing” four NCAA games once said, “I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.” Sounds almost like an Erap joke.
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Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I want all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.” Dawson should be a leading candidate for sex therapy sessions.
New Orleans Saints running back George Rogers, when asked about the upcoming season, said, “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.” Setting priorities appears to be a major mental problem for Rogers.
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He’s going to prison for three years, not Princeton.” Duva obviously doesn’t subscribe to the dictum that inmates learn their lessons the hard way in jail.
Washington Redskins football player Joe Jacobi once said, “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl.” In a reaction, the Los Angeles Raiders’ Matt Millen said, “To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom, too.” It wasn’t certain if Jacobi told Millen to choose his own mother to run over.
University of Houston receiver Torrin Polk on his coach John Jenkins: “He treats us like men, he lets us wear earrings.” Fans are wondering if Polk ever came out of the closet.
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” Theismann forgot his idol is Albert Dunce.
A senior University of Pittsburgh basketball player proudly declared: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” A former Pittsburgh cager was Jerome Lane, once a PBA import, but he’ll be the first to deny he ever said that. It’s also not certain if Lane ever graduated.
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Florida State football coach Bill Peterson barked at practice: “You guys line up, alphabetically by height then pair up in groups of three and line up in a circle.” That’s like listing four singers in a trio and calling a box-and-one a triangle formation.
Chicago Blackhawks left winger Stu Grimson, explaining why he keeps a photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.” Grimson might be a victim of too much mugging on the ice hockey rink.
Veteran boxing trainer Lou Duva, on the Spartan training regime of Polish heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.” You wonder if Golota uses the bell to signal the start of a round as his alarm – and does Duva ring it?
Amarillo high school coach Bum Philips, when asked by commentator Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips: “Because she’s too damn ugly to kiss goodbye.” Costas didn’t bother to ask if the Bum ever kisses his wife good-night.
Texas A&M basketball coach Shelby Metcalf, recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D in his report card: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.” Would Metcalf have preferred a card of four Ds and one F?
As the famous text acronym goes, LOL.