DEAR EPPY,
I was married 11 years ago to a man who cheated on me after only a few months of our marriage. He wanted to reform and stay with me, but it didn’t work as he would cheat again and again within a year. After six long years of being married to this man, I finally left him. I then went into a relationship with another man. I was happy with this man because he didn’t cheat on me on the first year of our relationship. But now that we are in the fifth year of our relationship, I discovered that he has been seeing another woman.
Am I doomed to being in a relationship where I will have to suffer being cheated on by a man always? It seems like all men cheat. I read it in the papers and magazines, even books. What can I do so I wouldn’t be cheated on anymore? HOPELESS WIFE
DEAR HOPELESS WIFE,
It is so tempting to agree with you that all men are cheaters. I am sometimes surprised at how some men think that they are not cheating with the excuse that they are not in another relationship with another woman, aside from their current partner. Let me elaborate. There are some married men who think that paid sex with another woman is not considered cheating. Or having sex with a female acquaintance just once is not considered cheating because they don’t have an emotional bond. In these men’s minds, they formulated a different contract from the one you signed. It’s as though they added in the marriage contract that, “...if I get bored, I can get any woman, not feel emotionally for her, and therefore, I am not cheating.” These men are uneducated idiots.
These men twist reality in their minds in order to justify that what they do is right. This is the problem with this kind of men. They can’t commit and stick to their commitment because they are spoiled brats who think they are the only people in this world who matter. But once you hurt their feelings, they are the first to fight for their rights. Just like brats. Right?
Notice that I said, some men, I didn’t say all men. That’s because it’s not true that all men cheat on their wives. There is no data from any research that say all men cheat. In fact, some of my male readers inform me that they have never cheated on their partners. There must be more of these men. You just have to look for them. In Psychology Today, there is this one article by the PT staff that said that it is a myth that all men cheat.
Let me address your question, “What can I do so I wouldn’t be cheated on anymore?” Research tells us that when the communication between two people in a relationship is faulty, then either one of the party will end up cheating. This tells us that if the communication between two people is not warm, if the man will not cheat, chances are the woman will cheat. Sad isn’t it? But true.
To give a more concrete example, let us consider a normal woman and a normal man. These two people start out being warm towards each other. After awhile, they become used to each other’s company that they take each other for granted, thinking that they will always be there for each other. There will be times when one partner becomes irritated by the other. This starts a cycle of one partner hurting the other emotionally and verbally, then the other retaliates.
One day, the man has a female officemate who likes listening to people. Without knowing it, the man and the officemate bond and start needing each other’s company. We all know what happens next. The point here is, if the interaction between the man and officemate were to be the situation between that same man and his partner, then this man would not have cheated and the officemate would not be in a position to give him comfort because the partner would have provided it.
In the Philippines, I notice a certain kind of interaction between a husband and a wife. The interaction becomes hostile. The husband has an affair. The wife discovers the affair. The man apologizes and promises reform. The wife emotionally and verbally abuses the husband for his wrongdoing. The man apologizes once more. The wife controls the husband and uses the affair to justify her control and abuse. The man understands but will find another woman. The vicious cycle continues.
In summary, sometimes, it is not a matter of a man being a cheater. Rather, it is a matter of two people not understanding each other, resulting in cheating. EPPY
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Email eppygochangco@gmail.com.