Hospitals

My first experience of hospitals was visiting my grandfather's office when he was still a practicing doctor. I didn't really understand what he did, but I remember very distinctly the smell of his office. It was only much later when I realized that hospitals were places where people went to when they were sick and it was my grandfather's job to help them get better.

This, however, did not make hospitals appealing to me. Hospitals soon became places where I was in pain (having endured a few surgeries).  Or places where people I loved were in pain. Every time I visit someone in a hospital, I have to mentally prepare myself to face my fears.

I am afraid of physical suffering. Or at least I try to avoid it as much as I reasonably can. Although I am not afraid of needles, I'd much rather live without being poked and prodded. Technically, I'm not afraid of death, just the pain that leads to death.

I am afraid of watching people I love suffer. I can't treat them. I can't suffer for them. Basically, I just wait for medicine, time and nature to take their course. And I hate feeling helpless. My lack of medical knowledge often leads me to feel inadequate when I am around someone who is suffering. I never know if I should make them laugh or just cry with them. Not being in control and not having specific "rules of conduct" make it very uncomfortable for me to be around hospitalized dear ones.

So if I could, I'd much rather spend the rest of my life not visiting hospitals. Which is why I have such great respect for people who are in the medical profession - doctors, nurses, aides and other members of the hospital staff that keep it running. They go to the one place I dread every day. They face the fears that I have on a continuous basis. Granted, our fears are not the same. (Who knows? They might have the same feelings of the classroom as I do about the hospitals.) But really, I have such admiration for them, for the training that they go through and for the manner in which they serve.

And it's because of these people that hospitals have become more bearable for me. Hospitals might be the one place where my fears gather, but it's also the place where I've seen compassion at its greatest. When people we love are sick, we are given an opportunity to serve and be served. This is both a humbling and powerful experience. To know that what one lacks can be supplied by another and what the other lacks can be supplied by me strengthens the ties which bind us together with our loved ones. That strangers would devote their lives to caring for others strengthens my faith in a God who loves unconditionally, and my hope in humanity.

In the end, I'd still be happy never to visit another hospital in my life. But when I do, I remind myself that compassion is stronger than fear and hope is greater than pain. And love, well, love just makes all things bearable. Even hospitals.