His will is done

For those who have been asking so many questions and sending messages, I sadly announce that our mother Ma. Antonia “Marita” Beltran died on the 12th of September 2017 of natural causes. She was 81.

After 15 days at the NKTI, 11 of which were in the ICU, we were certain that she would get well and go home like she always did from previous hospitalizations. Her somewhat sudden demise was similar to a plane gliding home but suddenly crashing. In hindsight, it was apparently God’s script or storyline where God brought us through a process that would prepare or make us ready to say “Your Will be done” and in the final hour to “Let go and Let God.” Many people find such an experience painful, difficult and even unfair, so much so that on occasion we see people being pulled away from a dead or dying relative because we are simply never ever ready to let go.

But truth be told, most people I spoke with often commented that my mother was still young to die at 81. Many people don’t want to see the finish line or the “age limit.” But friends and relatives I’ve known to be in their mid or late eighties have told me that they considered themselves to be in the “Pre-Departure” area of life. Many of them have since boarded and left. When it was my mother’s turn to go, I had to make the decisions especially in making sure her wishes be followed for the DNR or DO NOT RESUSCITATE policy. Clearly God had prepared us for the moment.

On the very afternoon my mother died, I chose to write a regular column as well as on the last day of the wake because honestly we were all operating on “auto-pilot,” mostly in shock that Mom crashed medically, and we were all drowning in worries over hospital bills, a sister who was being operated on in New Zealand and never got a chance to see or talk to her during the final 15 days. Miguel Belmonte our President and Marichu Villanueva must have been puzzled why I declined their generous offer to put out an Obituary. Perhaps it was my last act of resistance not wanting to let her go. Deep inside I probably did not want to make her death “Official.” I sincerely apologize to many friends who were caught off guard, unaware or denied the chance to say their own goodbyes. It was not out of selfishness but deep - deep loss. Don’t worry there is still the traditional “9th day.”

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I learned many things in the last 15 days of my mother and the first one is that there is wisdom in the prayer “Lord teach me to number my days.” For several years now, I’ve made a conscious effort to be with my mother as if she was about to go anytime. Whether it was weekly lunches with her, rewarding her with a Lechon every time she arrived in our mini farm in Lipa, etc. Yes, I let her eat or have what she wanted as long as it was in moderation because there was no point making her feel bad or deprived just so we could extend her health and life while making her generally miserable or constantly annoyed.

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As far as wakes and mourning goes, next time it’s somebody else’s turn, I will probably show up at the “wake” mid-mornings and less in the evenings because it is easier on the bereaved and that is when they have more time to talk one on one. It was so frustrating, embarrassing and exhausting for me trying to keep up or spend enough time with all the guests. Yes they understood and tried to find people to talk with but some did not know anyone else. One tip I want to share: even if you’re a guest – if the bereaved is clearly overwhelmed or out numbered, jump in and usher or meet other guests and ease the load on the bereaved.

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I wish someone would pass a law that will outlaw cut flowers for funerals and require whole – recyclable flowering plants. If everyone had sent live flowering plant arrangements we would have had enough material to make a whole garden in memory of my mother. The worst part of it all is that all those expensive flowers (500 pesos each for imported roses, 3 to 5 thousand “coronas”) were collected after the wake either to be sold to same stores that supplied them or to be thrown in the trash pile. Some people wished the money had been spent to send poor kids to school while a few quipped: “In lieu of flowers please give a donation to the CHR.” Nonetheless, all those flowers were much appreciated. But I also learned that in some cases, I would have loved to see the person and not just their name on a ribbon.

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Many years before my mother passed away, she had taken time to write in her own hand writing so many detailed instructions upon her demise. This was one of the best things she ever did because it greatly reduced our burden and possible guessing game. Everything from color of flowers, photo to be used, dress to be worn, and who would be in charge with what was there. But even the great Marita over looked something and that small oversight nearly created a major fault line in the family. She forgot to say where we were to put her ashes!

My parents separated later in life and many families in such situation always end up debating if those who separated in life should be reunited in death? Discussions even end up speculating what the dialogue would be when they meet up. I had to step in and remind them of what Jesus said in Mathew 22: 29: “You are wrong, because you know neither the scriptures nor the power of God. For in the resurrection, they neither marry or are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.” They probably might not even recognize each other!

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