The Problem with Cebuanas: Advice to My Friend Vinz Serious Humor by A Half-Cebuano

CEBU, Philippines - Vinz, Cebu courtship customs do not coincide with those in Manila or most of the civilized world. In a nutshell, you act too nice for the tastes of women of Cebu. But it’s not too late for you to change. Keep reading.

No Courtship, Please, We’re Cebuana! In the rest of the world, people are fairly mobile; if a man meets a girl he likes, he needs to act with a certain vigor and ask her out, or he will never see her again. And girls in Europe and the US tend to be open to this sort of thing, or they wind up without much of a social life. This is what you are accustomed to, Vinz. But that is not how it is in Cebu.

Cebu is a collection of small places, and most people hang around with a fairly limited circle of friends. If a man is interested in a girl, he doesn’t need to do anything, because sooner or later their paths will cross again.

Both boy and girl can play it cool for an extended period, see each other regularly though not in any intense way, then one day agree that they are “on”. Based on anecdotal evidence, it seems that most Cebuano couples agree to go steady without either party (certainly not the man) ever having said “I love you” or anything remotely like it. The kindest way of putting it is that Cebuano courtship rituals are “low-key”, and that is apparently all that most Cebuanas can handle.

Thus, if a new man (e.g., Vinz) were to exhibit a certain degree of initiative and passion in pursuing a Cebuana, not only would she not be impressed, she would panic and almost certainly turn him down flat (or play hard to get until he gives up), regardless of how attractive he might be objectively.

Interviews with dozens of Cebuanas confirm that most are in principle opposed to going out with foreigners or guys from Manila, because they are “too aggressive”. (Of course, this doesn’t apply to movie stars, or foreigners with pensions and limited life-expectancies.)

Insight #1: Most Cebuanas have never experienced “courtship” as the term is understood by most people elsewhere. Even with full-fledged boyfriends, most Cebuanas have never heard the words “I’m crazy about you”, and probably not even “I love you”. (Except when offered in lieu of foreplay.) They have never received a poem, an unexpected bouquet of flowers, a love letter, or even a love text. This is because thrifty and intelligent Cebuanos do not expend effort when none is needed.

The Utilitarian Heritage. The absence of an hacendero class (wealthy plantation owners with a lot of leisure time) or comparable urban counterpart in Cebu means that there is no tradition of putting women on a pedestal or of their having value as chatelaines (ala Gone With the Wind).

Indeed, Cebu has always been a fairly hard-nosed, business-oriented place, and the mentality is very much to squeeze out every last drop of benefit in any deal. Hence it is natural that women, like most other resources, tend to be viewed in terms of their utility. Typical uses of women include sex, showing off to other men, and bringing in a cash income or the prospect of an inheritance. Typical uses do not include romance, conversation, judgment, or creative thinking. Or any thinking.

Hence, as a typical Cebuana grows up, she learns from observation that men tell women what to do and what to think. The higher a man’s status (and therefore the more appealing he is as a potential mate), the more options with women he has, and therefore the more he can afford to treat any one woman like his property (including, eventually, his girl-friends and his wives).

“Treated like property” does not necessarily mean regular whippings. But it certainly includes: controlling behavior; belittling language and regular put-downs; and financial as well as emotional mean-ness (kuripot na sa kuwarta, kuripot pa gyud sa gugma).

Individual cases vary, but for example there is hardly a Cebuana who would object to her boyfriend inspecting her cell-phone daily or hourly, as proof of her fidelity. Anywhere else in the world, even Manila, this would be considered ridiculous and barbaric, right up there with female circumcision.

Insight #2: Cebuanas expect to be treated like property by a boyfriend or potential boyfriend, because they associate poor treatment with desirability in a man. The worse a man treats her, in her subconscious mind she thinks “the more desirable he must be”. Contrarily, if a man is nice, kind, loving, considerate, etc., (in brief, like you, Vinz) Cebuanas think there must be something wrong with him.

The Boy-Girl Imbalance. There is no hard data on this subject, but the general impression is that there are more girls than boys in Cebu. Maybe it is the corn. Maybe it is the fact that after getting a degree, more boys move away. Anyway, as the oil market shows, even a 5 percent supply/demand imbalance can greatly affect market value.

Result? In this town, a girl generally expects to have to work hard to get a man. Not just any man, of course; she wants a cool, hip Cebuano who shows mild disdain for her, not some klutz of an outsider who – horrors! – might actually like her. And when she does find one, she hangs on tight, no matter how pitiful a specimen he is, or how outrageously he might treat her.

Insight #3: In Cebu, women are trained to think that their man is the last lifeboat off the Titanic. This is a tough treadmill to get off, because they keep saying to themselves “I’ve got to make this work”, and of course the longer they try, the more time and tears they invest, and the more reluctant they are to cut their losses.

What does all this bring us to? What is the bottom line?

Well, it doesn’t lead to a lot of “going steady” happiness, much less marital happiness. You can’t allow a man to trample all over you, and then expect him to change philosophy just because you let him pop your cherry, or had his baby. Au contraire, ma vieille. You just proved that he does own you.

Survey your friends who have been “going steady” with a Cebuano for more than 3 months, or married more than 2 years. Don’t listen to what they say; look at their eyes and see if there’s a happy twinkle, or just resignation and a dogged determination to “make it work”. If you think a majority are happy, then you and I disagree, and you have wasted your time reading this far. You may stop reading now.

Personally, it seems to me that, after you eliminate those guys who cheat, those who lead separate lives, those who are tightwads with their affection and their money, those who habitually belittle and control their woman, and those who would rather be with the boys, their golf, or their businesses, there is hardly anyone left. (But sincere apologies to those who are happy anyway – I’m not talking about you. Don’t get riled.)

This is truly sad, but you Cebuanas (many of you, anyway) have only yourselves to blame. You keep letting your men get away with murder, when what many of them need is to get terminated for failing to meet basic standards of respect, love, and devotion. You tolerate insult after insult to your dignity and yet expect things to magically change – someday. You meet nice people like Vinz, and run the other way.

And you Cebuanos, you, too, are cheating yourselves (many of you, anyway). You could have the affection of a good woman, but instead you delight in talking down to her and making her feel inadequate. You could enjoy the pleasure of a happy family, but instead you’d rather spend night after night drinking with the boys, or seeing other women on the side, not because they’re nicer, or better in bed than your wife, but just because you can.

What a waste.

For you, Vinz, on your birthday, I offer the following advice. International notions of gentlemanliness and niceness will get you nowhere in Cebu. If you want to be successful with Cebuanas you must:

1. Stop asking girls for their number. Wait for them to ask for yours. Then make them work for it. Never call a woman unless she has called you twice, and maintain this ratio forever after.

2. Stop opening doors and pulling chairs for women, or at least don’t do it for anyone you haven’t slept with. In Cebu this is “trying too hard”. Stop offering to cook. In the US and Europe, this is considered by women the #1 most-romantic kind of date. Here in Cebu it is unheard-of, and therefore considered pathetic.

3. Never ask for a date. Wait for the girl to ask you. When you do go out on a date, cut it short at a time when she isn’t expecting it, and act as if you have someone else to see. This drives Cebuanas nuts, and gives you high status/sex appeal.

4. Delete the phrases “I like/love you”, “You’re nice/beautiful/etc.”, and “Please” from your vocabulary. In Cebu, only wimps use these words. If you ever do have occasion to express satisfaction with a woman, follow with a put-down. (For example: “That was pretty good; you’re finally starting to improve.”)

5. Get in the habit of telling women to their face that they’re not too bright, or explaining the various ways in which they’re deficient. Cebuanas equate this kind of behavior with high-status men, and it really turns them on. Each time a girl does something that bugs you, threaten to drop her at the next street corner, and do so unless she gets on her knees.

Follow these rules, Vinz, and you will make it to the hit parade with Cebu women.

(And, a closing warning to all you Cebuanos and Cebuanas who are outraged and feel personally insulted by this article, and might in your provincial simple-mindedness wish me harm: I have seriously good connects with the Lord of Karma. Of the last 10 parties who messed with me, 7 died in freak accidents or of untimely ailments, including a famous law-enforcement figure. #8 is not actually a person, but a company; its name is AIG (I kid you not). And, oh yes: #s 9 and 10 married Cebuanos.)