The Color of the Flame

Joe is lucky to have a wife who’s been nice and loyal to him. On her birthday last week, he decided to give her an expensive piece of jewelry, as a token of his deep appreciation for her presence in his life. Driving home from work that afternoon, Joe’s mind was filled with merry anticipation about how his wife would react to the precious present in his hand.

But things had not always been smooth with the couple. Just two years earlier, Joe was feeling sore about their marriage. They’d been together for seven years already, but still the union had not produced a child, not even a hint that one was coming any time soon. The wife sensed the growing animosity of her husband and began to give him back the same hostile treatment.

But even during those bad times, Joe never missed giving his wife a gift on her birthday. One time he bought a gold necklace for her, on installment. The price of the item was quite hefty that it took poor Joe almost three years to fully pay it off. The necklace was his peace offering to her. He had been coming home late then, frequenting girlie bars with his friends, something his wife bitterly complained about.

The high-priced gift would probably cool things down between them. Or so Joe thought. It did not. In the first place, Joe himself felt very uncomfortable about it. He was not happy giving it to his wife. In fact, he hesitated so much that two days would already pass before he finally gave it to her.

The reason behind the necklace gift was different. Joe wanted to regain his good standing with his wife; at the time he feared that the relationship was already slipping away. The gift also made Joe consider whether his wife really deserved such token of his goodwill and affection. She had said very harsh words to him that hurt him so badly.

Recurring thoughts of his wife’s hostile treatment of him turned Joe’s simple resentment to full-blown revulsion. The relationship went into a vicious cycle from there. The two people who should be exchanging kind and loving words were hitting each other with insults at every opportunity they could find.

Fortunately, the impending marital collapse was precluded. Some friends convinced the couple to see a professional marriage counselor. The relationship was not only rescued, but is presently going through a beautiful regeneration.

What made the difference? Motivation. Before, Joe’s gift-giving was borne out of selfish intention – “to regain his good standing with his wife.” Maybe it was not even really about making his wife feel good about him. Maybe it was purely to make him feel good about himself; that he was a good husband who remained loving to a wife who was being mean to him. The very reason for her spiting him had probably ceased being the issue.

Motivation is a strong influence on actual experience. The same actions – our own or others’ – can turn out either good or bad, depending on the intention that prompts them.  Our interpretation of things around us is colored by inner motivations, too. We have reasons for feeling in certain ways about just anything.

It can be said that intention fans our behavior, setting things in our life aflame. The color of the flame colors our experience of the world. The flame can either warm us or burn us.