Something New

The thing about doing something you’ve always done is that you become good at it. The nitty-gritty details of the every day lodge themselves into your subconscious and you find yourself going on autopilot mode most of the time. You spend your time polishing your craft, making it even better. Most of our adult lives are like this, I think – the way we look at work, our hobbies, even our relationships. We’re barely given opportunities to start from scratch again. So when the opportunity to begin again presents itself, we feel like the rug has been pulled out from under us.

For the past couple of months, I’ve been given a new assignment at work. I found myself wanting to revert into my autopilot mode except that there wasn’t one to revert to. I wasn’t polishing something existing nor was re-learning something that I already knew. I was actually using everything I’d learned to do something completely new.  The butterflies of fear, excitement, humility, frustration, panic, hope and determination found themselves competing for attention in my stomach. Yet, strangely, I welcomed the experience.

I feel like if I had come across this situation 15 or so years ago, my younger version would have panicked completely. And that made me wonder why I didn’t panic now. Apart from having a better set of skills, I believe I also have a better sense of self. I’m a lot less insecure of who I am. I know myself better. I know my limits and when to ask for help and when to say no without feeling guilty. I know too that I don’t need to please everyone. I’ve also learned that I can’t control everything and that I don’t need to. In short, I’ve come to realize that – as one writer so aptly put it – I’m not the messiah, and that nobody asked me to be in the first place. All people ever required was that I’d give the best I could and that would be enough.

I’ve also learned that for the most part people are doing the best they can. Everyone has limitations and everyone comes with baggage. People react to situations in the best way they know. Sometimes, this can be easy to forget when what they do triggers my own weaknesses. But if I stop and choose to understand them, I find that they’re trying their best too, just like I am. In other words, I don’t need them to be messiahs either.

More than anything, it is also my growth in my spiritual life that has enabled me to respond to new and challenging situations with peace and equanimity. Maybe it’s because I no longer feel the need to prove myself to God, that I feel rooted in His love for me that makes me more sure of how best to proceed. I not only allow Him to work in and through me, I invite Him to do so. To sum up, I know who the Messiah is. And I know He loves me. While knowing this doesn’t make every new venture a walk in the park, it does make it a really meaningful experience.